


Oh Confound It, Dating is Discombobulating!

by Miyamashi (MorganEAshton)



Series: Alpha Kids: Unite [2]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Comedy, Hormones, I swear it's more serious than it sounds, Jake's POV, Multi, Takes place between A6A3 and the A6A4 flash, Unreliable Narrator, What is Romance, first-person, fun vocabulary, i don't even, relationship troubles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-03
Updated: 2013-04-03
Packaged: 2017-11-15 13:02:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 44,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/527607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganEAshton/pseuds/Miyamashi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake English is fifteen, full of hormones, and just met all three of his very attractive friends in person for the first time.</p><p>A story of friendship, romance, and of how they sometimes don't quite seem to match up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. On Kissing Heads, and Other Dubious Endeavors

**Author's Note:**

> (Now that this is complete, I thought I'd revise this note a bit.
> 
> Keep in mind that the first 12 chapters of this were written before A6A4, because I am a crazy person. I decided to see how much I could get in before the reveal of what actually happened, and so of course I didn't get everything quite right. Consider this an AU. This is basically the story of what might have happened, had Dirk openly admitted to himself that Jane also liked Jake, rather than remaining in denial about it. There are a few other little inconsistencies before that, but that's the big one.
> 
> Be aware that this is a story about fickle teenagers. Don't think anything's final until you read the last word, because these kids can change their minds at the drop of a hat, and often do. So if you're upset with an event, don't give up! It'll probably change in a chapter or two. Unless you hate the ending, in which case...uh, sorry? XD
> 
> Anyway, it was a really fun romp in character play, and I really do hope you enjoy! :D)
> 
> I wanted to write something a bit more realistic than the usual romance fic. Meeting internet friends for the first time--especially when none of you have any experience with proper socialization--doesn't always go completely smoothly.
> 
> I also wanted to include the canon stuff about Jake's not really being head-over-heels for anyone. This will be no perfect idyllic fluff story. There may or may not be one or more definitive couplings revealed by the end. At the point of writing this note, not even I'm sure what's going to happen.
> 
> This could sort of be considered a sequel to "In Their Minds; In their Hearts", if only because it takes place directly after. It does make a couple of vague references to it, but reading it is by no means required.
> 
> Have fun!

It wasn't a scenario my movies had prepared me for.

That wasn't to say that I didn't try to scour the backlog in my brain for an answer. Practically every movie I had ever watched swept through my mind in a blazing fast-forward. How could I possibly explain something like this? I was frozen under their gazes, thinking I might just die from embarrassment. Think, Jake, think!

Okay, so kissing the dead was something that happened surprisingly often on the silver screen. There were just different types. Surely one of them had to fit.

Sometimes it meant letting go, but that was nothing like this pickle I'd found myself in. I was not some widow kissing Dirk goodbye as he passed in his hospital bed, nor as he laid in a coffin at his wake. Plus, despite the fact that I was holding his severed head, Dirk somehow wasn't really dead. Even if he were, I sure as heck wasn't ready to say goodbye to my best friend! I scratched that off the list.

It was a bit more like those heart-breakingly desperate attempts to wake the dearly departed, but that still didn't quite hit the mark, did it? Sure, I'd hoped that, however unlikely, this would revive him, but he was no lover who had died dramatically in my arms. I didn't sob as the breath left his lips, ne'er to return again. I didn't hold him close and plead with the powers that be to give him back. I'd not done it out of denial. I'd done it because it was what I'd been told would save him.

I think it was closest to a fairy tale. Being able to revive someone by kissing them sure seemed like magic, after all. That made the damned Autoresponder--or Lil' Hal, or whatever it was calling itself now--the old sage who had told me that I could wake Dirk with Love's True Kiss. I was the prince who kissed the damsel to rouse her from her slumber.

Still, I was hesitant to call this anywhere near romantic, and Dirk had never seemed the damsel type. Besides the obvious fact that he wasn't a girl, he just didn't fit the part. Despite his tower in the sea and his compulsive preoccupation with his perfectly-coiffed, spiky mane, there was nothing sweet and demure about him. And what of myself? I was a dashing fellow, sure, but I wasn't the haughty, regal type. No, _that_ was the role that fit Dirk. As for me, let others be locked behind castle walls. I'd rather be out and about, raiding tombs and plundering their treasures.

Inappropriateness of our roles aside, there was the rather more troubling fact that Dirk had apparently been standing there the whole time, in no need of revival. Even worse, the girls were with him, safe and sound and patently no more dead than Dirk was. That made me more the fool than any kind of hero.

"The glasses made me do it," was not a dignified response. It was nonetheless what burst forth past my tongue and lips and godforsaken stupid buck teeth. I hated them more in that moment than I'd ever bothered to hate them before. I wanted to at least _look_ the part of the handsome and rugged protagonist, dagnabbit.

Foiled again. 

Jane was slack-jawed and horrified. Roxy seemed confused. Dirk, who should have been the most perturbed by this turn of events, looked almost gentle, which surprised me. I had never seen Dirk break his cool facade, but I could have sworn I saw a hint of an upturned mouth. Had I caught the tail end of a smile? Surely not. 

"Stop staring, English, it's rude." Any softness in his expression was completely gone, and his mouth had settled back into its usual flatline. This was the deadpan douchenozzle Dirk I knew. This was the man who moonlighted as the best and most obnoxious friend I'd ever had, who reminded me so often of the esteemed privilege of his acquaintance. 

Stupid infuriating coolkid.

Never mind that my three friends were gawking openly at me, I thought bitterly. I was still rather flustered, and damn it all if the irony wasn't lost on me. There were a lot of things I could have said about irony and Striders who used it to rile me up. I could have really given him a piece of my mind. 

I didn't. I just kind of flailed at him.

How mortifying.

His mouth turned upwards again. Well, half of it did anyway, and I realized with a numb kind of dread that it was probably too minute to have been seen by someone who wasn't clearly still staring. Oh, fucking hell.

Dirk walked over and clapped me on the shoulder (Had he paused just barely before he'd done it?) and guided me down from the rocks as if he thought I was a lost puppy. His touch was heavy and too rough, none-too-far removed from that of the unforgiving steel grip of the robot fashioned after him. I tried not to wince, and gingerly pried Dirk's fingers out of the dents in my flesh.

Dirk wordlessly let go, looked at his hand for the briefest of moments, then dropped it to his side. While the other remained still, it flexed as if unsure of how to react to the contact.

If Dirk noticed my noticing, he didn't mention it this time. He just--too calmly and efficiently to not look pre-programmed--began to work at the machines littering the ruins of mine and Grandma's old home. "Shoot," he said simply, pointing towards a candy-like, lime green tree that had grown on top of whatever doohickey with which he'd last been fiddling.

It took a moment for me to realize that this had been a literal request (order?), not an uncharacteristically censored curse. My gaze followed the thin finger and the invisible line extending from its tip. It led to a strange green voodoo doll that had been hung from the tree's limbs. The thing gave me the heebie jeebies. It was too reminiscent of my signature skull symbol, and made me feel like I, by extension, was ensnared in the noose. After ensuring that the shortness of my breath was caused by nerves alone, I pulled out my pistols, aimed, and fired. The kickback of my weapons was exhilarating, and for the first time since my friends had arrived I actually felt somewhat capable.

Bull's-eye. Right in the noggin.

\--------

The new Land in which I found myself was almost enough to quell my frustration. 

Almost. 

"Adventurous" and "pigheaded" were both adjectives people had at one point or another used to describe me, and I figured it was due to these aspects of my personality that I found both an excitement and a stubbornly persistent annoyance duking it out in my mind. 

It was an impressive bout of fisticuffs if ever there was one. 

Jane and Roxy both seemed like they had a ton of questions. I could definitely relate. I looked towards Dirk for answers, but he was staring off somewhere in the distance, perfectly silent and motionless, save for the still-flexing fingers on his left hand. It was my turn to give _his_ shoulder some rough treatment. He would not get out of this without explaining himself.

I didn't even see him move, but quicker than a double-mouthed catbeast on a mouse he had swung around, his hand clutching my wrist like he might well have broken it. I just stared in shock, trying to see past those ridiculous shades of his, to no avail.

Dirk let go with less than a tenth of the speed with which he'd grabbed me, the visible portion of his face still impassive. The way he slowly backed up, his shoulders squared and tense, was the only thing that seemed to betray that he may have been a bit shaken. His blank, artificial gaze still managed to seem like it was questioning me. Perhaps I was imagining it.

"We need to talk, mate." I attempted not to let my own shock come through in my voice, and was relieved to hear no audible waver to my words. 

Dirk nodded, tersely. "I suppose I have some explaining to do, to all of you."

Jane's response was significantly less composed, and it was exactly the thing I did not want to hear. "I'm more curious as to what Jake was doing."

Roxy just made a melodramatic kissy face and flicked her large eyes between my face and Dirk's severed head. I felt a bit ashamed of how my stomach lurched at the sight. I fumbled for words, feeling dizzy. Oh, good God. I had snogged my best bro's decapitated head, and everyone had seen it. I wasn't sure which part of that was worse. 

Hearing Dirk's gravelly interjection was this time a relief. "No, I should explain that, too." He sounded tired, which seemed strange. Dirk had never been one to need much sleep. Maybe all those "showers" were actually naps? Why a man would feel the need to lie about catching a bit of shut-eye, though, was a mystery. He shook me from that thought with what felt at that moment to be the most beautiful words ever uttered by man. "Jake was only doing what was necessary, and we're all alive because of it."

I wasn't sure how that was true, but it definitely caused my anger to ebb. It was such a relief to hear that with a one-two punch, my eagerness to explore took the upper hand. Even through my curiosity, the anticipation had me bouncing in my spot as Dirk continued. 

The story that followed was a tale of such heroic magnitude that I at once wanted it to be immortalized on film. I could not begin to tell it with the poetic kind of grace of which only Dirk Strider is capable. Some of the finer details elude me, but in short Dirk had sacrificed himself for the greater good, and trusted his life to me. He had been able to wake me beforehand only because of our difference in time, and the kiss had indeed been necessary. It was beautifully convoluted, my reviving him so he could wake me and vice-versa, each event dependant on the other.

Something in me twisted uncomfortably when I pondered the tale. Was it envy that he was the true hero here? Maybe it was guilt in the fact that I had experienced a moment of doubt before I'd relented and given him that smooch? Perhaps it was just an aching kind of fondness that he would go to such lengths for us, and that he trusted me thoroughly enough to put his life so literally in my hands. I supposed it was some of each.

Regardless, I felt a burning need at that moment to prove myself to Dirk Strider.

Dirk, however, surprised me. As soon as he had finished his tale, his knees seemed to buckle under him, and he slumped bonelessly against one of the contraptions littered around the room. It was startling to see him showing such blatant vulnerability. A part of me, deep down, had believed him above these things.

I moved to help him, but neither Jane nor Roxy had hesitated as I had, and both beat me to him, flanking him on either side. I stood a few feet away, watching quite uncomfortably as the girls doted on him. The pang I felt this time was definitely jealousy.

Damn him. He wasn't allowed to be both a hero _and_ a ladykiller.

He assured them that he was fine, and he'd simply had a very long day. I hadn't been imagining it after all: The man sounded positively bushed. He seemed perturbed by the attention being poured upon him, and made an attempt to get up. 

Jane and Roxy each grabbed an arm and dragged him back down, the former tisking her tongue and the latter piping in with a, "Dirky, stop being so stubborn. You're allowed to take a breather, you know."

Dirk grunted and tried to get up again, and was held down a second time. The ease with which he succumbed to them was telling of his exhaustion.

Jane spoke this time: "You need to rest. When's the last time you got a good night's sleep?" The way she pulled out her spoon and brandished it at him, she seemed quite the mother hen. 

Dirk seemed to mull this over, and intoned flatly, "About a six or seven months ago."

Jane rolled her eyes. Roxy giggled at the apparent hyperbole and clung to his arm. Dirk gave them what I could only assume was a weary look, and leaned his head back. I'm almost positive it took him only a few scarce moments to fall asleep, though it was hard to tell.

I sighed and asked the girls if it was alright if I scoped out the surrounding area. They agreed that this was a fine plan indeed. I expected both of them to remain and fawn over Dirk, but Jane stood, brushed off her skirt, and asked if she could tag along. Roxy grinned up at her. She seemed overly pleased by this. I wasn't sure of the reason, and could only assume that Roxy was excited at the prospect of having some alone time with Mr. Strider, because she wryly volunteered to stay behind, waggling one eyebrow at her "bffsy". 

Dames and their mysterious ways.

I'm pretty sure the bubble of feeling as Jane and I embarked on our journey was jealousy, too, but it was soon overshadowed.

This would be a _real_ adventure, the likes of which I hadn't experienced in years.


	2. Feet Can Carry Your Forward, but the Mind Can Only Move in Circles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake explores his new Land, then ponders his friends' feelings about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I lied. It hasn't even been 24 hours since I posted Ch. 1. I was initially going to post bi-daily, but I changed my mind. As much as I can, I'm going to try and post daily, so I can get as much as possible posted before it gets to A6A4. 
> 
> This story will probably be about 11 chapters, just so you know. I am currently on Ch. 7.
> 
> Note the "Unreliable Narrator" tag. This is all Jake's thoughts. He may not always be right.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this installment. <3

Jane didn't say much as we charted out the new territory. She instead seemed rather content to let me take the lead, only speaking up occasionally to point out pieces of puzzles I may have missed in my zeal. 

At times it was frustrating. Jane, having never travelled far and having spent so much time cooped up in her home at her father's behest, had to stop often. I couldn't blame her for it, but I found myself frequently having to backtrack or pause so she could catch up. Despite this, it was exhilarating in its own right to be sharing this with another human being, particularly one so dear to me as Jane.

During one of the lulls she asked me, sounding more shy than she had prior, why I hadn't stayed behind with Dirk. I had to chuckle at that. I couldn't stay back and sleep now, of all times! There were places to go, riddles to solve, and treasures to uncover. Dirk would be fine with Roxy, I assured her. She seemed to ponder my answer more deeply than I felt strictly necessary, but didn't push the issue, nor did she bring it up again.

As the trip took us further and further from the other two, Jane seemed to get ever closer. I wasn't sure if she was afraid, or cold, or what, so I asked.

"It's nothing, although shouldn't we be heading back?"

Part of me wanted to continue forward, but another yearned to get back and tell Roxy and Dirk of everything we'd seen. I didn't want them to miss out completely, after all. They'd have to join us next time.

'I have a new place to explore,' I remembered for the umpteenth time that day, 'and my friends are here with me.' It was an amazing feeling.

I allowed Jane to clasp my hand and start leading me back the way we'd come. The journey back was more languid, slower but with less stops. It felt more like a casual sight-seeing expedition, and it seemed to be more in Jane's comfort zone, as she opened up to me significantly. She pointed out this detail and that, fascinating things that I may never have noticed without the closer inspection she prompted. 

It was a more-than-amiable stroll, and we both were rather chipper when we returned at last to where we'd begun. 

By the looks of things, Roxy had gathered the softest refuse she could find from the surrounding area and constructed a makeshift bed. Dirk was on his back on the pile and sleeping like the dead, his shades folded and placed on a machine nearby. Roxy was quite serenely curled up to his side. 

Jane looked at them, then regarded me with a measurable degree of scrutiny. I reflected on my feelings on the matter before me, growing suddenly unsure. Dirk had never actually confessed to having any feelings for me, had he? Perhaps he felt the same as Jane, and I had read more into his actions than was really there. He and Roxy seemed so peaceful. Was there something between them?

I wasn't quite sure what I thought of this revelation.

Dirk had, essentially, shared a kiss with all of us in the midst of his heroics. Was it he, not I, who had gained the affections of our little group, including my own? It made more sense, when I considered it. He was charismatic, brave, and mysterious. He had a unique kind of handsomeness that made me feel rather plain in comparison. It made me feel more than a bit ashamed, that I had made such grave assumptions in the past. Dirk had pointed the truth out to me so many times before: He was the cool, collected one. I was just the wannabe hero who lived a fantasy life through my movies.

"Jake, are you alright?" 

It startled me from my reverie. I looked at Jane, who was regarding me with intense concern. "I assure you, Miss Crocker, that everything is dandy." I didn't sound sure, even to myself.

"You really care about him, don't you?"

I wasn't exactly positive how to respond. Yes, I cared for Dirk, but at that moment I just felt intensely emasculated. Would he think less of me if he knew that I had even considered pursuing a romance with him? Surely, Dirk had to be heterosexual. He oozed suave masculinity, and it was a fact, wasn't it, that if you liked other men you had to be less of a man yourself to compensate? Would he see me as a pansy if he knew? Was I one?

Roxy shifted in her sleep, before her eyes fluttered open and she looked between us, her mouth widening into a Cheshire grin. "So how'd it goooo?" Her arm squeezed around Dirk's middle, almost possessively, before she let him go and got up. She was swaying lightly, though she seemed for all intents and purposes sober. She sashayed over, curling her arm around Jane's and starting to drag her off. "We need to have some girl talk, Jakey. That okay?"

I nodded, feeling my brows furrowing. Was I thinking too hard on this? Was Roxy just affectionate, or had the intimacy of their nap meant something more? I watched the girls leave, then sat down next to Dirk. He hadn't so much as shifted in his sleep this entire time, and now was no exception. Closer, I could see the slow rise and fall of his chest and the darting movement of his eyes beneath his lids. It was a comfort to know that Roxy had not been snuggling a corpse. 

I may have felt more than a smidge of envy for the man, but I don't think I could have beared it if I'd seen him dead twice in a single day.

I almost reached to brush a bit of hair off his brow. He would have appreciated that, right? He was very particular about his hair, so fixing a piece that had gotten free from its painstakingly-styled perfection was a good deed. I was in the middle of convincing myself that it was this and not affection that had prompted the gesture when I was startled by a shriek.

"YOU TOLD HIM _WHAT_?!" It was Roxy. Her arm got a good string of whollops for that, then she and Jane went back to hushed whispering.

Gee, that had been tense! What on God's green earth were they talking about over there? I looked again towards Dirk, who still hadn't stirred. Damn him to high heaven; even his sleeping was impressive. 

I was reminded of my earlier fairy tale comparison. He was more Sleeping Beauty now than his head had been, but I had no reason this time to give him the kiss. He was merely slumbering, and he might not have appreciated being woken in such an intrusive manner. Perhaps by Roxy or Jane, but me? I scolded myself firmly for having even considered it.

I sighed. Dirk hadn't told me that he _lacked_ feelings for me, either. However, that probably should have been obvious. That time I'd jokingly brought it up had seen him falling silent. I realized with a sinking, despondent kind of feeling that it had probably just been awkwardness at my advances, not hurt at my specification that one of us needed to be female. He was a good chum in that he hadn't made fun of me for it.

I had definitely thought too hard on this. I still was, and my mind was refusing to shut up.

When Jane had turned me down, had it been because she'd fancied Dirk? No, surely not. She'd openly encouraged me to pursue him. I felt a bit of comfort in the fact that at least one of my friends seemed immune to his masculine wiles. Or perhaps she had just been humoring me, fully aware that Dirk would reject me outright. Jane wasn't that cruel, was she?

Why was this bothering me so much? It wasn't as if I was particularly attached to the idea of being with Dirk as more than friends. I was open to trying it out, sure, assuming he wouldn't be repulsed by the notion. I had daydreamed about it on occasion, of what it would be like, but I had done the same with Jane and Roxy. 

Roxy, however, had toned down her playful flirting with me significantly some time prior, and Jane obviously didn't want anything to do with me in that respect. They were the only three people I really knew, so that left me with Dirk, and I admitted to myself that I had grown desperately lonely on my island.

Every good hero needs a lady on his arm. Dirk was by no means a lady, but I'd long come to grips with that particular predicament. If not Dirk, then my prospects were dim indeed.

Roxy kept sneaking looks at me, though they weren't actually sneaky in the slightest. They were glares. Oh dear, I thought. I was infringing on her beau's personal space, and worse I suddenly knew that her outburst had to have been because Jane had told her of my dark secret.

I moved from my spot swiftly. I was not gunning to be on the receiving end of a woman's wrath. Hell hath no fury, and so forth.

I regarded Roxy with caution. She gave me a predatory stare that seemed to say something along the lines of, "Yeah, that's right bub, you know what you did wrong."

I deflated and stood at the edge of the house, leaning against the craggy remains of the wall and overlooking my new domain. This was unlike any of the scenarios I'd pictured. I was jealous of Dirk, a bit annoyed at Jane for spilling my secret, and more than a bit wary of Roxy. 

This wasn't how it was supposed to go. I had practically all I'd ever wanted. Why wasn't I as happy as I'd hoped?


	3. The Prince is Awake; Shit Hits the Fan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where stuff starts happening. Yay!

The atmosphere remained tense the entire time Dirk was sleeping, and by the end of it, I was restless. Jane kept giving me odd looks, and Roxy kept shoving her in my direction. I wasn't sure why it was that Roxy wanted so badly for Jane to speak with me, but I sorely wished Jane would get on with it. I was starting to feel like a right troglodyte, all on my lonesome. 

Jane sighed, defeated, and leaned against Roxy as we all picked up on the movement on the slapdash mattress across the room. I started, my excitement returning. 

Dirk looked uncharacteristically flummoxed, his eyes wide and a bright, exotic orange, before he squeezed them shut and fumbled for his pointy eyewear. He looked awkward, his hair flattened in the back and his movements lacking their usual deliberate grace. He still looked exhausted, but was clearly trying to push through it.

Some petty part of me liked him much better when he was showing so many flaws. How'd you feel now, Mister Strider?

I was probably being a shitty friend, thinking things like these, but to be honest I had come into this already kind of fed up. He'd made himself scarce that entire day, and I'd gotten nothing but mental barbs from his Autoresponder and a brutal beatdown by his stupid Brobot. Everyone else, from what I'd gathered, had probably gotten to talk to the real Dirk at least once.

That wasn't even to mention the years of little things he'd done that grated on me: The constant ridicule, the trying to constantly "better" me with mind games, the cagey way he'd sometimes avoid certain issues entirely. 

Did he have to make fun of my movies and my other interests all the time? I never railed him for his odd fetishes.

Did he have to constantly try and fix me, like I was a broken machine? I tried to be trusting, but he said I needed to be more skeptical ("like Jane", I remembered with a completely new level of annoyance). I wanted fisticuffs, so he sent me a robot that didn't just fight me, but made me even more nervous in the jungle than the monsters did. 

So yeah, he'd told me some pretty important things about his life, yet that was a really rare occurrence. Sometimes I just wanted to have a good man-to-man chat, but he was always cryptic, even when he was revealing things. It seemed sometimes like I couldn't pry anything out of the man without a fight.

If it'd been a choice between him and another, less Dirkish chum, would he have still been my best bro? Was I only friends with him because there was nobody else? That was really not a thought I wanted to be having, as it was depressing as all get-out, so I shut it down.

No, he was here. He was right in front of me, and we and the girls were all in this together. He hadn't tried any of his usual shit yet. In fact, he'd been nothing short of amazing, and I'd held that against him, too.

Yes, I decided in that moment. I really was the shittiest of friends. It was me.

"How long have I been out?"

Jane, Roxy, and I all hesitated. How long had it been? I checked the clock in my skulltop, but it seemed to have malfunctioned completely. I found this strange, because the rest of the computer was still working. 

He apparently picked up on the fact that we didn't know, because that was the moment he chose to stop waiting for an answer in favor of getting up to stretch and run a hand through his hair. "Whatever. It's been too long, no matter the actual duration. Did I miss anything?" 

I tried to answer, but didn't make it very far.

"Jake and I took a look around. Just like my Land, there wasn't anyone here. It was actually quite peaceful." Jane giggled, and it really did sound like the little "Hoo hoo"s she typed. 

I had to smile at that. 

"We need plans. This game is not a joyride. It's going to be dangerous, and we need to stay on our toes."

I rolled my eyes. "Old chum, I think you could do to relax for once. I've lived in dangerous territory my entire life, and this, my good fellow, is not it. There aren't even any monsters here."

"Regardless, things could go wrong at any..."

Roxy made the most disgruntled noise I'd possibly ever heard. "Blah, blah, blah. There's only one thing dangerous around here, and that's me if you keep making me listen to this crap while I'm sober! I told you, Dirky, you've gotten boooooring. What happened to you? You used to be up for all kinds of mischief!"

"Don't patronize me, Lalonde." It was terse, every word measured. "Even after I told you what I went through to make sure we were all here, alive, you apparently still don't understand. Do you see that?" He pointed to his own bloody head, the rest of his body stock-still and betraying no emotion. "That's what I gave up to get us to this point. I held yours and Jane's cold, dead bodies in my arms. I..."

"Dirk." Jane walked over to him and placed a hand on his arm. She ignored the way his body jolted at the contact, and squeezed, just barely. Comfortingly. "Thank you."

It was subtle, but his shoulders dipped as some of the tension left them.

"All of us have had a really hard time. All of us have..." She bowed her head. "All of us have died once today. If there really is danger coming, then that's all the more reason that we need to rest. We should really get to know each other while we have the chance. I may not know much about fighting, but I at least know that we'll have the best chance if we've had an opportunity to recuperate, and if we're not fighting with each other."

"Fine." It was quieter. He didn't say, "You're right," but it was obvious that he knew she was. 

I knew, too, and felt my annoyance deflate. Good old Jane.

"This is why I said you'd be the leader. You keep us all grounded." He regarded her with a respectful tilt of his head.

Jane fidgeted, clearly flattered and embarrassed, a bit of pink rising to her cheeks.

Damn, he was charming when he wanted to be. Maybe I really did have things to learn from him.

Roxy practically skipped over and grabbed Dirk's hand in her own. "Now will you agree to have a little fun, ya big spoil-sport?"

"Fine." He may have rolled his eyes, but I couldn't be sure. His hand was squirming a bit in Roxy's. It was so strange and fascinating, the way he kept the rest of his body in perfect control while he let isolated gestures do the talking. 

Roxy pumped her fist into the air, then bounced on the balls of her toes. "Omgomgomg, Jakey get over here." 

I realized that I'd again left myself as the outcast, and moved closer.

Roxy pulled me closer still, and her voice burst from the depths of her chest. "GROUP HUG!"

Before anyone could pipe in with a complaint against this plan--and if the way Dirk's mouth had fallen open was any indication, he wanted to--Roxy and Jane had us sandwiched, their arms crossing around our middles. 

"I have ALWAYS wanted to try this." How Roxy was so energetic, I wasn't sure, but I hoped it was contagious. "Now all we need is some booze to make it a real party."

Jane and I shared a sigh. Dirk slipped out of the embrace and backed up, but made no sound. It took me a moment to realize he was looking right at me.

I pulled my Skulltop off as the hug dissolved and Roxy went searching her sylladex for alcohol. 

"Nice helmet hair," said Dirk.

"Nice bedhead," I replied. I earned a genuine smirk for that.

"Good to see you, bro."

"Same to you, my good man."

He held my gaze for a good few moments, his eyes almost-but-not-quite visible through the sunglasses. Eventually, he turned his head to regard Roxy. "Any luck?"

She whined. "No! Nothing! How am I gonna have fun without a drink?"

"Roxy, you shouldn't be drinking in the first place."

"Shaddup, Janey. Some bffsy you are."

That was comforting in a way, a reminder that we all aimed playful jabs at each other. I flicked my eyes back to Dirk.

I think we made eye contact again, before he angled his head in a clear request for me to follow him. He turned and started off in the same direction.

I didn't miss Roxy's "Oh no," and the sigh that followed. I just ignored it.

Dirk led me down the hill a ways, far enough from the others that we wouldn't be seen or heard. To my surprise, he took off his shades, folded them, and hooked them into the collar of his fancy pajamas. He met my gaze in earnest this time. His body made a strange little half-lurch forward, then immediately settled back down.

"Dirk? What was that? Is everything alright?"

He averted his eyes. They showed a remarkable amount of conflicted emotion, though like with his body, it didn't reach the rest of his face. 

I watched him carefully. I liked his eyes a lot. I liked that I could see a bit of the real him in them.

He looked at me.

I looked back.

He stepped forward, grabbed my face too roughly, and crushed his lips to mine.


	4. Friends, Foes, and Martyrs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I'm the best at romance.
> 
> It is me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's read, given kudos, commented, subscribed, and bookmarked. I'm truly honored. <3

Hot damn.

I was stiff as a plank as Dirk broke the kiss with an undignified smacking sound. My glasses were askew. My mouth dropped open the moment it was free. My eyes were ready to pop clean from their sockets. My face was stinging from the unforgiving contact, and to say I was flabberghasted would have been the understatement of the century.

Dirk looked scared. Honest to Betsy terrified. For once, it showed in his entire expression, his eyes open wide and searching mine, his lips parted and red from his having bashed them against my teeth. His hands were still holding my jaw possessively, like he was trying to keep me from running away, his shoulders hunched up next to his ears.

I kind of squeaked at him.

Almost as quickly as it had happened, something in Dirk clicked and it was over. His body shifted back into the neutral, confident stance with which I had grown so accustomed. His shades were unfolded and deposited back on his nose. It was like someone had flicked an off switch in his emotional sector. "So. Have I made my feelings clear enough?"

No. He hadn't. What the flying fuck had that been about?

"English." When he got no response except for some flustered jibber-jabbering on my part, his voice grew quieter. "Jake."

"Dirk." I wasn't sure what all this name-saying was supposed to achieve, but it seemed like the thing to do.

"It's been at least three years."

"What?"

"Me. Liking you."

"Oh."

Silence had never felt so palpable.

"Well?"

"You kissed me."

"I did."

"It hurt like hell. You could have just told me."

"I wanted to ensure I at least got one kiss in before you potentially rejected me. We could die in this game, you know. For good."

"Oh." This was so awkward. "That's depressing."

"Yeah. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit of a cynic."

"I have noticed."

He went to abscond, but was stopped by my hand on his.

"I'm not rejecting you."

He froze. "But?"

"No buts."

"There are always buts."

"I thought you liked butts."

His train of thought actually seemed to have derailed at that, because he looked at me, confused, before his brows furrowed in realization. Score. "I'm serious, bro. What's the catch?"

"No buts, no catch."

"Your butt would be a hell of a catch."

My turn to stop dead. Goddamnit. I deserved that. "Really, I'm being completely honest. Swear on my entire movie collection."

"What about Jane?"

"She's made her views on that clear: She's not interested. What about Roxy?"

"What about her?"

"Aren't you dating?"

"No. Where did you get that?"

"She was cuddling you while you slept."

He paused for a bit too long. He clearly hadn't known this, but he shook his head and changed the subject back. "You asked Jane about it."

"I did."

"You like her."

"I like all of you."

I knew immediately that this had not been the right thing to say. By the way he stiffened, I realized this was probably the "but" he'd been looking for. I wasn't sure what emotion he was expressing. Anger? Sadness? It was so close to his poker face that all I could tell was that he wasn't happy. I probably wouldn't have even noticed that, were I not so familiar with him when he was actually neutral. His upset immediately brought another question to my mind. "Do you like anyone else? Besides me?"

"No."

"Oh. Well, then." Wow. _Wooow._ Oh wowza, that was a lot to take in. I'd suspected as much, but actually hearing it from his lips was a different matter altogether. Three years? He'd kept it a secret all this time? It was a tad overwhelming to imagine his having had eyes only for me, whilst I'd entertained fantasies about all manner of beauties. If I was honest with myself, I felt a little guilty. At least he was the only one who liked me back, right? It made it easy for me. I could drop my silly misguided delusions about others and concentrate on Dirk.

I relaxed and let myself feel a bit vindicated. After having misread Jane so thoroughly, it was nice to have been right about Dirk. It'd been so obvious when I thought back on it, and I felt like a right ninny for having second-guessed myself. Maybe I could laugh about it with Jane later. I'd done some pretty good sleuthing over the years when it'd come to picking up his vague clues.

It was also really nice to know that Dirk wouldn't hold any disdain towards me for having had semi-homo thoughts about him. It was a boost to my sense of pride as well. If a man like Dirk was a homosexual--or at the very least not completely heterosexual--then all those rumors about being less masculine because you were gay were ridiculous lies. After all, if they weren't, how much more rugged and manly could Dirk have been had he been straight? I suddenly started imagining him with a big shaggy beard and a mullet. It was not a good look for him.

I must have been making an odd face, because a single blond brow snuck its way far over the top of his shades. He seemed to debate something very hard for a moment before he broke the awkward silence again. "If Jane did like you, what would you do?"

It was like he'd read my mind, and I didn't like the question at all. It made me feel trapped between that proverbial rock and hard place. "That would be quite a sticky situation."

He grunted, seeming none-too-pleased with this answer, either. "She does like you. I don't know what she told you, but I'm positive it was a lie. I thought it was only fair that you know."

My stomach sank into my feet. Oh dear. That was a real pickle, wasn't it? Suddenly the choice didn't seem so clear anymore, and a lot of worries rushed through my mind at once. If I gave in to Dirk, would I hurt Jane? Would I be thinking of her while he and I were together, imagining how things could have been?

Dirk was watching my face. I knew he could tell I was conflicted. I wasn't exactly hiding it. The way he was staring was beginning to make me uncomfortable, for more than one reason.

"Why did you tell me that? I was ready to ride off with you into the sunset."

"Did you really want that?"

"I wouldn't have been opposed to it."

"You didn't answer the question."

"I'd be willing to give it a shot." I sounded unsure, even to myself.

"Willing to and wanting to are different matters."

I said nothing. Did I want it? I wasn't so sure anymore. Yeah, I liked Dirk. A lot. How couldn't I? He was my best bro, my closest chum, my most precious pal. But did I _want_ it? The thought of it was pleasant, sure. When I'd imagined us together, it had been nice. I'd always thought our closeness would translate well to a more-than-platonic broship. Did it go further than that? I found him attractive, but I didn't really lust for him. I had wished we could meet in person someday, but I didn't pine after him on cold nights. I imagined him doing so with me in mind, and part of me felt a little strange, and a little sorry for him.

The fact that I wasn't responding did not elude him, and he seemed subtly dejected. "That's what I thought."

To be honest, his hesitance surprised me. Had I known Dirk Strider to ever dilly-dally on something before? If he wanted this and was given half a chance, I had always assumed that he'd take it. He could have goaded me into it easily, and I wouldn't have put up a fight. Hell, I'd already resigned myself to it. Hadn't "inevitable" been the word I'd used? "Does that actually matter? You want this, right?"

He looked over his shades briefly, and what I saw of his gaze was catty and dark. "What kind of a man do you take me for?"

Oh, shit. Think fast, Jake. I wanted to say something comforting, but everything that came to mind was a lie. To be fair, Dirk was a man who knew how to get what he wanted. Usually I saw this as a positive trait. I envied him often for his being such a go-getter, but was that really a good thing when dealing with someone's feelings? With a pang of something like anger, I realized that had never seemed an issue to him before.

When he saw I wasn't responding, he took a step back. "You thought I'd force you into being with me."

"You're really forceful about everything else. Why not this?" Oh God. Shut up, mouth.

"The fuck are you on about?"

"You don't normally worry about if I want something before you go through with it." I knew this was not a good thing to say, but it slipped out nonetheless.

He first looked gobsmacked, then silently furious in that way that only Dirk Strider could pull off. It didn't so much show in his body or expression as it seeped from him like a crackle of invisible electricity. It set the hairs on my neck standing at attention. "What are you talking about, English?"

I couldn't stop it. I don't quite know why I chose that moment to do it, but I just snapped, really went off on him, in the greatest rainbow of word-vomit I'd ever spewed. I let out all of the things that I'd bottled up inside over the entire time I'd known him, everything that I'd agonized over and wanted to say earlier that day. I ranted about the brobot, the Autoresponder, the teasing, the endless psychoanalyzation. I told him how many times he'd hurt me in the past, or overstepped personal boundaries, or just been an all-around shitty friend. 

"I was training you. The Batterwitch isn't going to pull her punches, just because you don't like it. I was only trying to help, and to be frank, I went easy on you." 

I knew he'd said it because I'd wounded his ego. That didn't make it sting any less, so rather than backtracking, I opted to take him down another peg instead. He had belittled me enough times, and I wanted him to have a taste of his own medicine. "What do you know, Dirk? You sit pretty in your little tower all day, tinkering and rapping and drawing porn. Who's the one who grew up having to fight monsters at every turn?"

He either realized what I was doing, or I'd just struck a nerve and he was getting genuinely defensive. "Then why did you always lose?"

I fumed. I wasn't going to back down that quickly. "That's easy to say when you're not the one doing the fighting. The damn robot is made of metal, remember? I'm just a normal, flesh-and-bone guy." 

"I've been fighting robots for years."

"You programmed the things. Of course you could beat them."

"Oh, I apparently didn't tell you the part of today's adventure where I took out almost fifty imperial drones before Sawtooth got the rest for me."

"You still had help."

"Be that as it may, it's irrelevant."

It was absolutely not irrelevant. He was not allowed to treat me like I was beneath him. Not anymore. He was not as fucking flawless as he thought he was, and I was not a pushover. "You're a right cocky bastard, you know that?"

"I was only doing what I thought was right by you. I was doing the best that I could."

"Well, you fucked up!"

"Maybe I did,"--his hand was flexing again, like a nervous tic and a clear sign that his resolve and control were fading--"but I would never make you do this against your will. I also wouldn't just take you without even giving Jane a fair chance. Not when I'd just found out you liked her, too." 

Getting him to admit his mistakes said to me that I was winning this battle, and I wasn't going to let my advantage pass me by. "To be fair, chum, you did kind of force a kiss on me."

The hand that had been flexing clenched into a fist. "That's not the same. Yeah, I admit it was selfish, but this is different. That was one moment. This is about commitment." The defensiveness and hurt were stark naked in his voice. It sounded unnatural, like it was coming from another person. A stranger. "I _love_ you, Jake. I actually do care about your happiness, no matter how much you seem to think otherwise. This isn't about simply possessing you."

My head swam. He loved me? Had he really just said that? Mister Roboto himself had admitted to not only liking me, but _loving_ me? In that instant, it seemed nothing short of ridiculous. How could he say that, then treat me the way that he did? What, did he pen my name and his together with hearts in the notebooks for his blueprints? Did he write romantic raps about me? How old had he been when this had started? Twelve, thirteen? That was a childhood crush. That was obsession. "How can you love me? We've only just really met." 

"I _died_ for you. I died for you, and Jane, and Roxy. Should I not have done that, because I'd only met you all on the internet?"

I was really sick of the whole martyr spiel. "Oh, come off it! Stop holding that shit over me! I kissed your head for you, but that doesn't mean I know that we'd work in a real relationship." It just kept happening. I was so far outside the self-censoring fence that I was getting lost in no-man's land. I didn't care.

"Says the man who saw some dead alien for two seconds and called her his dream girl."

Fuck no.

Oh FUCK no.

Now he'd crossed the line. He thought he could get off being mad at me for thinking he was pushy, then practically call me shallow to my face? "Low blow, Dirk. I was kidding!"

"That's a lie. You knew what you wanted, then. You don't now. You had a stronger spike of attraction and desire for that stranger than you've ever had for one of us, and that just proves to me that you don't feel the same way I do for you. Not about me, not about Jane."

"She was cute, okay? It didn't mean anything! I didn't think it could go anywhere. It was harmless."

"If you could have worked out the logistics, you'd be all over that, and we wouldn't even be an afterthought. Her, or any one of your 'blue beauties'." The way he practically spit out the words told me he'd been holding his tongue over the years, too.

"You can't know that! It's different!" I imagined him getting worked up over my innocent crushes on movie characters, and it just made me angrier. He supposedly didn't want to possess me, but he could get away with being jealous without adequate reason? 

I was definitely doing the worse job at keeping composed. Here I was, practically throwing a tantrum, while his ire was still reigned in. Subtle. Sophisticated. I hated him even more for it.

"Don't think I didn't notice that I was your second choice. You asked Jane first, and when she said no, you moved on to me."

"You don't know all the circumstances, Dirk. There were reasons I asked Jane before I got to you. Part of that, in case you haven't realized, is because you haven't _talked_ to me all day!"

"It doesn't matter what order, Jake. If you'd chatted me up first and I'd said 'Sorry bro, no homo,' you just would have moved on to Jane, and that wouldn't have been fair to her, either."

God, he was such an insufferable prick sometimes. "This is really hard for me, Dirk! You guys are my best friends in the world! Don't you think I wish I could make all of you happy, too?"

"Well you can't, and I'm not about to let you pander to me and then half-ass it. Leave me putting in 100% while you wish you could bone Neytiri or Mystique. Oh, by the way: Roxy likes you, too. She'd probably have jumped you by now if it wouldn't have upset Jane. Does that make this harder for you? Is poor Jake English too overwhelmed with choices? We're just a buffet to you. Take whatever looks best that's..."

He didn't get to finish because I decked him hard enough to knock his shades off his face. They tumbled at least a good fifteen feet down the hillside.

He let me. He didn't fight back. He didn't so much as reach up to touch his face, even though his nose was bleeding and his lip was split. His height and his position on the higher ground made him tower over me. His eyes weren't just shooting daggers, but impaling me with his favored katanas. "You want a fight, English?"

Yeah, I did. I really wanted to fight him. I wanted to kick his insufferable hiney into high heaven, then do it again for every time his brobot had bested me. I lunged at him, and he let me hit him again, this time in the chest, without so much as flinching away or trying to block. 

Then he moved. He still didn't attack, only turned into a blur and was suddenly a few feet from my right side. 

I went for him again. And again. He wasn't letting me hit him anymore, but all he was doing was dodging, and it was really pissing me off. Somewhere in there, the coward had gone back to hiding behind his shades, so he wasn't even giving me the respect of showing his anger anymore. Just standing like an automaton as I charged him, before he'd flash to another spot.

Then I tripped. He had appeared a ways down the hill, and I had misjudged how steep the slope had been and gone tumbling. 

He caught me. He saved me like _I_ was the godforsaken damsel in distress. He took the brunt of the fall, holding my head to his chest so I didn't hit it again. It made me feel weak, like he'd taken the last bit of dignity I'd had left.

For a long moment everything went quiet and still. 

The girls had apparently heard the tussle, because they were half-running, half-sliding down the grass to our position. I felt Dirk's fingers tighten in my hair for a moment before he let his hand drop to his side. 

Though I was still obviously roughed up from my earlier scrum with the brobot, I had nary a new scrape on me, but Dirk--who'd come into the fight with some dirt and blood on his clothes, but otherwise seeming uninjured--now looked like absolute shit. Once again, the girls ignored me in favor of raining their attention down on him. Roxy had the gall to try and scold me.

I was sure he'd done it on purpose. He'd made himself look the victim in this, and me the aggressor. He was remaining perfectly quiet, not throwing me under the bus, but not taking any blame either. 

Dirk wanted me to be sure of how I felt before I made any decisions? Well, now I knew.

I was glad he'd stopped me, because I wouldn't date a dunderwhelp like him if he spontaneously turned blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I love Dirk, guys. Really. 
> 
> Not everything is as it seems.


	5. Triangles Suck (Of Both the Romantic and Eyewear Varieties)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Jane is full of d'aww.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness, guys. The comments I got on Chapter 4 have to be some of the sweetest I've gotten, even including on my old stories on fanfiction.net. Thank you so much! I will respond to you all individually when I can concentrate enough to respond with the same thought and care with which you commented. <3

The girls had split us up, each guiding one of us to a corner of the building. It made me feel a bit like we were opponents in a boxing ring, and Jane and Roxy were our managers. Jane was mine, and the significance of that was no longer lost on me. I figured I'd go ahead and get the hard question over with while I had the chance. After all, that's what any confident adventurer would do. "Jane, do you like me? You know, in a romantic sense?"

She spluttered, then dissolved into possibly the most nervous giggles I'd ever heard. "Haven't we already had this conversation?"

"Dirk said you lied. I don't know that I believe him, but I just want to make sure. Just in case."

She looked at me carefully, chewing on her bottom lip. "Is that why you were fighting?"

"Not exactly."

"But it had to do with it?"

"Sort of. Not really."

She moved her gaze to the floor, clearly guilty. "I don't want you to have fought because of me."

"Just answer the question." It came out harsher than I'd intended. I was by no means still more than a little testy. No way, no how.

She stared at me for a long while, her eyes very wide, then nodded meekly. 

Something in my stomach did an uncomfortable flip-flop. Oh dear, this was tricky indeed. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I panicked."

"Why?"

"I just really like you, and I got scared that you'd be mad if I said yes."

That was kind of adorable, actually. It caused a fluffy little bit of warmth to crop up somewhere inside my chest, or maybe my belly. Jane really was quite wonderful, wasn't she? Sweet, and bashful, and shy. I thought back to the last conversation I'd had with her, and cringed. I'd fucked that one to all get-out, hadn't I?

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"Just realized that it probably wasn't a picnic for you to listen to me talking about how much I'd like to date Dirk." I watched her carefully.

She was fiddling with the hem of her skirt and jiggling her foot with pent-up nervous energy. At one point, she rocked in her seat, and it looked for all intents and purposes like she wasn't going to answer, but she finally fessed up. "No, it really wasn't, but it was my own fault. I should have told you how I felt."

I rubbed her back consolingly. "Well, now I know." It struck me just how often Jane blamed herself for things. It made me feel intensely sorry for her.

"Dirk really told you? That seems strange of him to do."

"Yeah, and I know it does. I thought so, too."

"I'm glad he did."

I pondered that. He knew Jane liked me. He knew I wasn't aware of it. He told me so that she had a second chance to make her feelings known. That seemed unusually selfless of him, and I immediately found myself looking for an ulterior motive. Was he just trying to gain my favor? Or Jane's? If so, the former had backfired, but the latter was working splendidly. A petty little part of me didn't want Jane to be grateful to Dirk. He was a jerk, and I wanted everyone to know it.

I steadfastly ignored the little voice that pondered the possibility that he had done it out of genuine compassion.

"Does it bother you that I like you? Like that?"

I shook my head. It really didn't, even if it did complicate matters. 

"I'm glad."

"I'm glad you told me. I wish you had before."

"Sorry."

"Don't be. I understand."

She gave me a little smile. "Thank you, Jake."

I couldn't not return the smile. Suddenly I was curious. Would Jane react the same way Dirk had? I didn't think my views unreasonable. If she'd accepted where he'd balked, then I wouldn't feel nearly so childish as he'd made me out to be. "If I said I wanted to try it out, would you give me a chance? Even though I liked Dirk, too?" The past tense was intentional. "And Roxy?"

She had to think about that. "Do you want to try it?"

"I'd be more than okay with giving it a shot."

"Why me?" 

"Dirkwad over there is out of the question, and Roxy isn't going to try pursuing me, right?"

"Oh." She stopped to mull over this new information, too. How someone could manage to look so dejected and so excited at the same time, I'm not sure, but Jane pulled it off.

I felt like I should say more. I knew it wasn't a perfect situation for her, but I wanted to make the best of it I could. "I couldn't guarantee it'd work out between us, but I'll try my darndest for you."

She looked even more torn.

I felt kind of bad. On one hand, I really was curious to see how it'd turn out. Jane was a perfectly lovely lady, and the kind of girl a man could settle down with. She was smart, kind, responsible. She'd probably be good for me. Plus, her big blue eyes had to count for something, right? Looks-wise, everything about her was soft. She had plump, pouty lips, a rounded little button nose, and ample curves. In her own way, she was rather pretty all around.

On the other hand, a large portion of my brain in that moment really, really just wanted to spite Dirk. Jane would be everything he wasn't. She wouldn't look down her nose at me. She wouldn't play cruel games with me. She'd let me be the hero. She was gentle while Dirk was harsh; the sweet to Dirk's spice. 

"Let me think about it."

That was fair, although I was feeling rather impatient. I nodded.

"You really like me? Enough to consider it?"

"Yessiree."

She smiled like she was trying to hide it. She bowed her head, she covered her mouth, and she chewed lightly again on her bottom lip. 

I reached over and squeezed her hand.

She blushed.

Golly, she was precious, even moreso than I'd ever realized through Pesterchum alone. I thought that I might like to kiss her.

I also thought I'd like to make Dirk watch, but I quickly banished the thought from my mind. That wasn't a nice thing to think at all.

"Do you think Dirk will be angry if I say yes?"

"Probably. Let him be."

"But Dirk's my friend, too."

I sighed. Oh, great. Was she agreeing with him? I didn't want to ponder what I'd do if she did. "It's none of his business who I decide to date."

"But you just got done"--she left a meaningful beat--"talking to him. Isn't it a little soon?"

Jane looked over across the room, so instead of answering I did too. Roxy was heading in our direction. I waved absent-mindedly. What if Roxy decided she _did_ want to try it on with me? That really did make everything harder, didn't it? Even if she didn't actively pursue me, would she be silently hurt that Jane had got me and she hadn't?

I watched her walk towards us. It was graceful, light, and airy. She seemed not to have a care in the world, which was impressive given the circumstances and her lack of inebriation. Roxy was pretty in a more conventional sense than Jane was. She was skinny without being emaciated. She wore makeup that enhanced her eyes and lips nicely. Her hair was light blond, with a wispy quality that made it look very soft.

I thought that I had either been blessed with three very attractive friends, or my standards were very lax.

Roxy plopped down on the floor in front of us. "So, what was that all about? Fussypants over there is being cagey, like he always does. He's keeping his mouth snapped shut tight like a big ol' bitter clam."

"Or Mr. Zipperlips?" Jane added helpfully.

"Shush, you!" She leaned in towards me and gave me her most winning smile, her eyes going huge like Puss in Boots'. "Jakey. You love me, right? You want to tell your good pal Roxy what's on your mind, doncha'?"

"Isn't Dirk bleeding to death or something?"

"Nah. He's fine. So fine that he's got the energies..."

"Energy," said Jane.

"...the energies to be stubborn again." She sighed dramatically, putting her entire body into it. "Wouldn't even let me dab the blood away for him. Got all huffy and told me he could take care of himself."

"Typical." I really wanted to stop thinking about Dirk, but I couldn't get the argument off my mind. Was this the end of our friendship? Did I want it to be? Did I really have a choice?

Roxy reiterated her earlier inquiry, prodding me in the knee. Jane piped in to tell me just how curious she was for my answer, as well. I pondered how to explain. We'd bickered over a lot of different stuff, and I was already forgetting some of the details. It had become a big blur of rage in my memory. I still had two girls waiting patiently for an answer, though. so I gave them the abridged version. "Dirk's a shithead. End of story."

Roxy rolled her eyes. 

Jane made a little "tsk"ing noise, and reminded me of what she'd said earlier: We didn't need to bicker amongst ourselves. I really didn't want to talk about this, though, and I still wanted to get Dirk off my mind. I changed the subject to what I thought to be the more pressing matter. I really needed to know where I stood with _all_ of my friends. "Roxy, do you harbour any measure of romantic attraction for me? You-know-who (So what if that made Dirk sound like Voldemort?) was under the impression that you do."

Roxy seemed completely unfazed by the forwardness of my question. "Uh, duh. How could I not? You're a total hottie. I mean hot hottie hot hot."

I think I blushed. 

Jane seemed a bit put out, and Roxy noticed. "Awww, Jane, baby. It's not like that. I think you're a looker, too." She waggled an eyebrow. "And Dirky is totes smokin', but his massive gayness kinda messes up any chances I'd ever have with him."

It was a huge relief to hear her say that. Roxy's predicament was like a mirror to my own, and more importantly she probably wouldn't be too terribly put-out if I dated someone who wasn't her. That left Jane and Dirk, and I'd already decided where I stood in regards to the latter. This was easy again.

Roxy continued, leaning even closer, conspiratorially, though she still spoke loudly enough for Jane to hear. "But you know who's the hottest of all? We're talkin' oven fulla delish cake and cookies hot."

"Don't say it," said Jane. She almost sounded threatening, but it was overshadowed by the half-hearted, tired quality to her voice. It was obvious this had been a point of contention for some time.

"You just watch me."

"No, I forbid it. It's weird, Roxy!"

"Jane's dad is soooooo dreamy. Swon."

I raised my brows. "Swan?"

"Swoon, duh."

"Oh." I blinked. "You're not even drunk. That was on purpose."

She scrunched up her nose. "Nah, it just means I wish I was drunker than I am." 

Jane just sighed, defeated and a little distant.

"Jakey, stop stalling. You are not gettin' outta telling us about your lover's spat with Di-Stri."

"It was not a lover's spat!" Heat rose to my cheeks and my ears were suddenly burning. There was no question as to whether I was blushing this time. I was incredulous. What a thing to say!

"Was."

"Was not!"

" _So_ was."

This train of conversation was obviously making Jane uncomfortable, so I decided to stop it the only way I knew how: I gave in. "Fine."

"Hells yeah!"

I tried to explain, I really did, but what came out was very obviously skewed in my favor. I made Dirk sound like the monster I had convinced myself he was. Neither member of my audience seemed particularly impressed. They kept catching the gaping plot holes in my story, where I'd cut out my own mistakes or the spots where Dirk had actually been right. 

In a way, having to say it out loud made me start to realize--half due to their prodding and half due to the clarity that comes with time's passage--how much I was lying to them and myself. That little voice of reason started rattling its way around in my skull, pointing ot that I may have blown things a tad out of proportion. It really wasn't as bad as I'd made it out to be, was it? Dirk was still a nincompoop at the best of times, but that had never been a deal-breaker before, had it?

Fiddlesticks.

Yeah, I was still mad at Dirk, but I'd never been good at keeping my steam. Sure, I'd get riled up (and apparently sometimes hold grudges that seemed to crop up at inopportune times), but it seemed like such a waste to stay angry for too long. This instance was no exception. Dirk needed to remain my ally. What was the good in continuing to villainize him?

I leaned to look past Roxy. Dirk was nowhere to be found. I think I kind of spaced out, because a hand on my arm had me jumping out of my skin.

"Sorry!" said Jane. "I um..." She wrung her hands.

"Yes?"

"Roxy told me earlier, when Dirk was sleeping, that I should have spoken up while I had the chance."

Was she about to say what I thought she was?

"Well, I guess I have a chance, now, and it would be stupid not to take it. So yes. My answer is yes, if you're still interested." She was beet red, but her expression was steely, determined.

Roxy threw her hands in the air and squeaked excitedly, before pulling Jane into a hug. "Yes! Finally some inita...initial..."

"Initiative?"

"Yes!"

This was suddenly a lot harder again, now that my anger at Dirk was waning. Being at the pinnacle of a love triangle was hard. It was hard, and nobody understood. But the way she looked at me, I couldn't let her down. I said it before I could take it back, and Dirk would have to deal. He'd had his chance, and he'd squandered it. "I would love to date you, Miss Crocker."

What was I getting myself into? These situations never went well in movies. Someone always ended up broken-hearted. 

I hoped real life would be different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title to this story: "Jake Can't Make Up His Goddamn Mind About Anything".


	6. The Follies of Friends and Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane and Jake have a lovely chat.
> 
> Well, mostly lovely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully I'll be able to get Chapter 7 finished to post tomorrow. This is the first time I don't have the coming chapter already written to post. It's almost done, though, so it shouldn't be an issue. Now, when it comes to Ch. 8...

Roxy seemed to be the only one who wasn't silently freaking out. It wasn't that I was exactly regretting my choice. Jane was amazing. She was everything I could have asked for in a girlfriend, and I loved her dearly. 

However, my mind ran through different ways this could go wrong. Dirk could get mad and hurt someone. Dirk could sabotage this out of spite. Dirk could get more riled up at me than he was, and/or get mad at Jane, which would leave Roxy to have to pick sides. 

Worst of all, Dirk could point out that I'd done exactly what he'd predicted I'd do.

Jane did seem happy, although patently as worried as I was. I didn't know exactly what was going through her head, but I had an inkling that she was probably fearful that something would go awry or that I would change my mind. Despite her reservations, she laced her fingers with mine and squeezed. I squeezed back.

No use regretting now. It was done. As a knockout man on the go, I didn't have time to waffle about. I was no milksop, and I did not chicken out once I'd made a decision. 

You know, except when I did.

This, however, would not be one of those times, I assured myself uneasily. I would not back down. I would be happy with Jane, and maybe Dirk would drop his homofeelings for me. Maybe he would go out with Roxy or something. Then everyone would be happy and we could all go back to being fabulous chums.

That sounded too easy, even to me. It was too simple, and I doubted that this would go nearly that smoothly. What if Dirk was homosexual, as Roxy had suggested? Then I was likely to remain saddled with his advances, on account of my being the only one with the appropriate parts. That would be far from ideal. I tried to not let on that this was making me rather upset.

"Jake? You seem upset," said Jane. Blast her woman's intuition! 

I tried to assure her it was nothing. I gave her my most winning smile.

She patently didn't believe me, and her face fell. "If you're having doubts, maybe we should have waited."

I was absolutely having doubts. Perhaps I shouldn't have jumped headlong into things. Perhaps I should have just backed off from the idea of romance altogether for a while, let things develop naturally. As Dirk would have put it, I should have figured out what I really wanted, rather than going along with something just because the idea didn't altogether repulse me. Damn it, I hated when he was right.

Roxy apparently caught my hesitation, because she gave me a death glare. I thought back to the fire that had been in her eyes when I'd sat down by Dirk, and realized all that fuss earlier had been for Jane. Roxy really wanted this to happen, didn't she? That put a rather lot of pressure on me, didn't it?

Though I felt it was a bit unfair that Roxy was trying to force my hand (Was this what women did for their "bffsies"?) I needed to recover. "No! No, this is fine." I squeezed Jane's hand again. "It's great. I'm just still a bit shaken up, you see."

"Oh." She made a face like she wanted to be relieved, but couldn't quite get there. "I guess I can understand that."

Roxy's face shifted into the widest grin she could physically produce, and she gave us an encouraging double thumbs up. Great jumping Jehosaphat, she was far too eager for someone who wasn't actually in this relationship.

Jane offered a little smile in return. 

I hadn't really lied. I was very much still shaken by everything that'd transpired that day, and that argument had been like the cherry on top. Where the heck had Strider gotten off to, anyway? Any previous ponderings of potential courtship aside, I really just wanted to know if the guy who'd once been my best bro would still be my bro at all. Would it be breaking some kind of relationship rule if I went to talk to him? I just wanted to try and make amends, rebuild bridges and tell him of the new development between myself and Jane. 

Potential gruesome death via slicing and dicing aside, it felt inappropriate, so I didn't bring it up. I decided to give Jane a peck on the cheek and ask Roxy to go, instead. 

Roxy was a neutral party. Her going wouldn't make Jane uncomfortable. It was the perfect plan. Perhaps she would let slip that Jane and I were pair-bonded now, and I wouldn't have to. Not a brave wish, but it would probably be the safer option. Dirk had no reason to do anything to Roxy, and she could probably keep him from coming after me.

Jane did not agree with this. She apparently thought it would only be fair to Dirk if I was the one to tell him.

Oh, consarn it. She was right. I groaned and pulled her in. I didn't say "I don't wanna," but I think I managed to get the idea across nonetheless.

"I won't tell him." Roxy made a zipping motion on her lips. "But I'm still gonna check on him and let you two lovebirds have some _alone time_." The last two words were said suggestively, with a smarmy kind of eyebrow waggle. 

Jane and I both blushed.

"Plus someone needs to get our spikey-haired buddy to calm his tits before Jakey gets in there." 

God bless Miss Lalonde, because this was definitely a good thing. I was relieved that she cared so much for the safety of my person, even if she was pushy when it came to affairs of the heart.

Roxy didn't wait for us to give her the okay. She just kind of flounced off, taking her phone out and presumably pestering Dirk to ascertain his location. 

I shifted and let Jane get comfortable in my arms. We stayed like that quietly for a while, which turned out to be incomparably nice. I'd been the one who had been held the last time I'd had a cuddle, and I'd sorely missed this kind of gentle contact. I didn't much care if this made me seem a bit soft, I thought. There was nothing wrong with a man having a beautiful lady held against his chest. 

Setting some of my reservations aside for that moment, I shifted my attention to Jane. She ran her hands along my forearms idly. It tickled in a very pleasant way, but it didn't distract me from the look in her eyes. She really looked worried. I felt like a right shithead for being so unsure.

I asked her what was the matter, and her answer surprised me. It turns out that while she was a bit worried about the issues at hand, Roxy's earlier comments had brought thoughts of her father to the forefront.

"Dad's missing. He wasn't in the house. I followed his trail," she showed me some of the fatherly items she'd found along the way, "but I didn't find him."

"You have no idea where he could be?"

"I'm really worried. The clues led to that platform that transported me to where I first met you and Dirk. Where I died." The look on her face was heartbreaking, and it made me wish there was more I could do. "What if he's still there? It's dangerous, and he could be hurt." Her voice grew very quiet. "Or dead."

My problems suddenly seemed very shallow. Here I was, worrying about silly crushes, when Jane had real issues to address. I let her turn and bury her face in my shoulder and I stroked her hair and back as comfortingly as I could. I made her a promise that I would help her find her father. I wasn't sure when the right time would be to start searching for him again, though, nor even where to start. Would there be a portal in my Land as well? 

"Unless we know for sure that he's there," I said, "we probably shouldn't risk going back there. This conundrum is not to be taken lightly, I don't think."

"I would have expected you to want to run in, guns blazing."

I faltered. She was right: Normally my mind would have been in a tizzy at the thought of such an exciting and dangerous crusade. What was different here? Was Jane's reason rubbing off on me, or had I just been so shaken seeing her killed there earlier? I decided it had to be that. "I don't know if we could battle that red stringy stuff, and it's already proven to be extremely dangersome."

"Yes. So it has." I felt her shudder in my arms. "I suppose it's best to wait until we have more clues, and we can ascertain that he's really there."

We got to talking about her father and my grandma, sharing happy memories. I think it was a bit sad for the both of us, but it was also comforting in a lot of ways. I don't know that we'd ever really had a heart-to-heart like that before, and it made me feel closer to Jane than I probably ever had before. I knew that this was a feeling I could never share with Roxy or Dirk.

"Even though Dad does stuff like keep locks on the windows and block the door, he always leaves me these really sweet notes around the house. He's always reminding me that he's proud of me. I know he's just trying to protect me." Her smile had a melancholy air, and I knew she really loved and was fretting over the man who'd raised her. "I wish I could protect him, for a change."

I took some of the heat off of her. "Grandma knew she couldn't keep me locked up, so she taught me how to shoot. She taught me how to hunt and forage for my own food. She gave me my love of adventure. It turned out to be really good that she did."

Jane hugged my arms tight. "Do you miss her?" 

"All the time." I really hoped her dad was alright. I didn't want anyone to have to go through what I did.

"I never got to meet Poppop. He died the day I was born."

Good Lord, she'd never told me that. "What a way to mark your birthday, sharing it with such a sad anniversary."

"I don't know. I wish I'd gotten to meet him, but I think losing him might have been worse."

This conversation was becoming very sad very quickly. "I cope. It's been a long time, and I try to think of the positive instead of the negative."

"Do you want to talk about her some more?"

"How about you tell me more about your father, since he was the one who we were talking about to start with?" After all, I didn't want to be rude.

I regretted saying that when I saw the way she fidgeted. "I--I don't think I can. When I think about him, I just get back to worrying. It was hard earlier."

"Sorry." The silence that followed was extremely uncomfortable, so I rubbed Jane's belly gently, like Grandma used to do for me when I was little. "Do you have any other family?"

"I never knew my mom, and Dad doesn't ever talk about her--I think there must have been some terrible memories there--so I can't tell you anything about her. Apparently Poppop had a sister, though. I never met her, either. She ran away when Poppop was young, and disappeared."

This made something niggle in the back of my mind, but I wasn't sure what. There was something I needed to remember. "What else do you know about her?"

"She apparently changed her name because she hated my great grandma Betty, but even with my sleuthing skills I couldn't track her down."

"She was that slippery?"

"Apparently so. Dad didn't actually know her, because she left long before he was born, so I couldn't ask him for much information, either. She must have been very self-sufficient, to have run off so young."

Okay, now something was really bothering me about this. What was it that I needed to realize here? Was there something special about Jane's great-aunt? "She sounds like someone I'd get along with."

"Huh, she does, doesn't she?" Jane let out a little "hoo hoo". That really was very charming. "Really all I know about her was that she apparently really liked dogs?"

This seemed important, too. Think, Jake, think!

"Oh! And apparently she liked to roughhouse and play games with Poppop."

Why, _I_ liked to roughhouse and play games! How uncanny!

"I wonder what became of her. I doubt she'd still be alive now. She could have been anywhere. She could have--God forbid--gotten in some terrible trouble out there on her own. Or maybe she was right under our noses the entire time. Wouldn't that have been something?"

"Right under my nose" was a good explanation for this nagging feeling. If it had been pepper, I would have been very close to sneezing.

"Oh, I wish I could remember her name. Dad told me when I was little, and I seem to recall that it was very similar to mine. Oh well. I suppose it's best not to think about it too much. Sorry for going off on such a silly tangent."

Suddenly it clicked. 

I probably wouldn't have remembered, had I not just recently relived the conversation, but all the gears in my mind ground to a very abrupt halt. 

Oh shit.

Jane had gone back to talking about her poppop, but it sounded all jarbled up, like I was listening from underwater. She obviously felt the way my whole body stiffened, because she stopped halfway through what seemed to be the punchline of one of John Crocker's favourite jokes. "Jake? What is it? Am I missing something? Did I offend you?"

"No. It's not that." Ohshitohshitohshit.

"...Jake?"

Oh fuck shit goddamn Strider, that asshole. I would have his head for this.

...

Forget I said that.

"I need to grab my Skulltop. Hold on."

Jane tilted her head in question, looking obviously hurt, when I got up and stormed across the room to grab my computer.

golgothasTerror [ GT ] began pestering timaeusTestified [ TT ]   
GT: Strider.   
TT: Yo.   
GT: Explain yourself this instant. Was this part of some elaborate plot because im not laughing.   
TT: The hell are you talking about this time? I'm not going to get into it with you again. I'm past that. I'm so far past it, in fact, that I've left Bitchfit Island and I'm halfway across swimming the Sea of Regret.   
GT: None of your metaphorical hogwash! You knew that Jane is my second cousin. Why the fuck didnt you tell me?   
TT: I was under the impression you would have figured it out by now. It's only been, what? A few years?   
GT: You didnt realize i hadnt when i mentioned i was thinking of courting her?   
TT: Dude, if you want to date your distant relative, it's none of my business.   
GT: Thats sick dirk.   
TT: Incest stopped being a thing where I'm from a long time ago. I didn't think about it, and I really don't care. It's not a big deal. Aren't second cousins legal to marry in most states and secluded Pacific islands anyway?   
GT: Argh you are impossible.   
TT: Whatever, bro. If you want to argue with me again, at least do so to my face. I'm just down the hill with Roxy.   
timaeusTestified [ TT ] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [ GT ]

Jane jumped when I made a very frustrated sound that was rather close to a growl. 

"I need to talk to Dirk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i figure Dad never told Jane about her mother because he's never actually been married, or was long a widower. You don't need a wife to find a meteor baby.
> 
> Jane and Jake have the weirdest set of relations. They're second-cousins in one universe, siblings in another, and genetically unrelated. Homestuck families are bizarre.
> 
> Granted, I guess they're still not as strange as Dad, who apparently turned out to be pretty much the same person, after being born the old-fashioned way by both Nanna-Jane and Poppop-John's wife. Wtf.
> 
> /rant
> 
> (I refrained from attempting to code the pesterlog at this point. Maybe some other time, after I figure out how this works.)


	7. Of Heroes Past, and of Those Still Left to Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake and Dirk have a long talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I'm in the middle of a move, I'm going on hiatus for a little bit. I'll work on Ch. 8 in the downtime, as well as respond to any comments, but I probably won't post again until the weekend. Sorry. -.-' I thought I could do it. I was wrong.

Jane did not seemed pleased with my outburst.

"Oh no. Jake, please don't fight again. Please."

"No guarantees."

She got up, jogged over to me, and held onto my arm. "Jake, please." She tugged slightly. "Tell me what's going on."

I looked away. I really did not want to tell her. She seemed so happy that we were together, and this would crush her. She needed something good, given the whole situation with her father. That thought made me even more frustrated that Dirk hadn't told me before. I could have prevented this. "Don't worry about it. If I promise not to fight, will you let me go talk to him?"

She still looked very nervous, but she leaned up to peck my cheek, then let go. 

I gave her a little squeeze, then began my descent down the hill. I could see Roxy and Dirk at the bottom, obviously having a chat. Roxy was standing and speaking primarily with her body and hands, while Dirk was sitting on some kind of large rock, still and somber. As I neared them, they stopped speaking to look at me. Dirk raised his hand in a semblance of a hello.

Roxy ran up and dragged me down the rest of the way, then forced me to sit on the rock.

"Huh?" Why was she making me take a seat by a guy I'd just been in a scrum with? Wasn't she supposed to be mediating? Isn't that why I'd sent her down here?

Before I could regain my bearings and pry an answer out of her, she was climbing the slope. She yelled back behind her, "I'm gonna go make sure Janey is okay! Bye-bye!"

I just stared at her retreating back. "What in blue blazes...?"

"Jake, before you start screaming at me again, I wanted to say I'm sorry. For everything."

I stiffened. Had he just said what I thought he did? I turned to regard him skeptically. Had Dirk ever apologized to anyone?

"Are you dating Jane now?"

Oh goddamn it, Roxy. "Why did she tell you?"

"Rox didn't say shit. I figured it out when you got so pissed about the cousins thing. So that's a yes, then?"

I wasn't sure whether to tell him or not. Would he be mad? I scanned over his face to try and discern his feelings, even though I suspected that I wouldn't see anything of use.

I did see. His poker face was slipping, and he saw me looking and took his shades back off, like he had before we'd fought. He looked straight into my eyes. His were tired and deeply shadowed.

I gaped. Then I nodded numbly.

"Are you going to keep dating her, now that you know?"

It made me feel a bit defensive again. He was going to apologize, then get on my bum again? "What does it matter to you? Do you want to snatch me up when I dump her? Is that why you didn't tell me?" 

"Jake, I told you. It's not like that."

"Then what _is_ it like?"

"When you live in a world where the only reproduction for centuries has been from the combination of a bunch of mixed genetic slop, a little old-fashioned incest isn't such a big deal."

I scrunched up my nose. "Gross."

"Yeah, but that's how it is." He shrugged. "When I say I didn't think it was an issue, I meant it. No evil plots here."

"So you don't care if I'm dating Jane?"

"Of course I care. But I'm not mad at you. I never was."

"Could have fooled me."

He wasn't even trying to hold up the mask anymore. He put his elbows on his knees, then dropped his head into his hands with a sigh.

This was so blooming weird. What was going on here?

"I wish this was easy. For both of us. I wish you knew what you wanted. I wish I didn't care so much." He rubbed his face. "I've been talking to Hal and Roxy. They told me I should just come clean, and I'm prone to agree with them."

"You call that thing Hal now?" Because that was patently the most important part of that statement.

"He asked me to. I'm glad, actually. He's coming into his own." Dirk looked at me as he sat back up, and gave a little shrug. "He's also told me he's not going to try and trick you into thinking he's me anymore. He says he's as sick of it as you are."

"Oh. I suppose that's a relief, then."

"Yeah."

I grunted in assent. I wasn't even mad anymore. Just confused as all get-out.

"Jake, look. I would love it if we could be together, but that's not my first priority."

I raised my brows at him. "Then what is?"

"Trying to make sure we don't all die out here." His mouth twitched a bit. "Again. That's always been my priority. I didn't mean to have feelings for you. It just happened."

"So, you're saying all that stuff you've done was some big plot to protect me?"

"Essentially."

He would have been proud, because I managed to still be skeptical. "If it wasn't your priority, why did you get so mad about Aranea?" I realized he shouldn't have known who that was. "The spidery vampire alien. Or about my blue beauties?"

"It was partially exactly what it looked like, and believe me when I say I'm not proud of that." 

He stopped me with a raised hand before I could interject.

"But part of it was frustration, because we don't have time to worry about all of this feelings bullshit. If you're going to choose, you'd better do it now. You may not have another chance, and last thing I want is for you to spend what time you do have waxing eloquent over some bitches you can't have, when you've got three of us right here trying to get a piece of the steaming Jake pie." His expression was completely open--honest and weary--as he continued. "Let me give you some perspective: We're four isolated, socially inept teenagers. We're going up against an alien with superpowers who literally annihilated all but two of the human race, and a demon that even she's afraid of." 

My blood ran cold. When he put it that way, it didn't sound like we had a chance in Hell.

"I've known that fact since before we met, and it's never left my mind. I've been preparing for this," he motioned to the world around us, "most of my life. I've studied, built allies, learned to fight. If I could keep the three of you out of this altogether, I would. A part of me stupidly believed if I worked hard enough, I'd be able to go this alone. I would die a thousand times if it meant none of you had to go through any of this shit."

"You can't, though."

"I know. When I got that particular reality check, I tried to do everything I could to prepare you. That meant I sometimes had to play the part of the bad guy."

"You're an idiot."

His face fell, and he stared. "What?"

"You heard me." I punched his shoulder, but not hard enough to really hurt. "Do you think any of us want you to suffer in our names?"

He let his shoulders slump to reflect the downward curve of his lips. "I knew you'd say that. It's part of why I never told you."

"And the rest of the reason?"

"I wanted you to have as much of a normal life as you could. And you..." He shook his head, trailing off.

"I what?"

"I'm about as fucked up as they get. Roxy drinks her problems away. Jane is sweet, but she's really jaded and avoidant behind all that sugar and giggling, and what she doesn't want to believe, she just denies. It's easier for her to ignore, when she's been so sheltered. But you--you know better than Jane does just how cruel the world can be, and choose to keep smiling anyway."

My voice came out quieter than I meant it to. "Hate to break it to you, my old friend, but sometimes that's the only way I get by."

"Yeah." He stared at the ground. "Yeah, I suppose it'd have to be."

We sat quietly for a bit. I kicked a pebble in his general direction, and he idly tapped it back toward me with his foot. 

"I wish I'd known," I said finally. "I would have tried harder to fight your brobot. I would have spent more time out there having real adventures, instead of just watching them." I felt my whole body start to curl in on itself. "I know I'm just a fake."

"You're not." He stared at my hand for a few moments, before steeling himself and setting his on top of it. "You want to know a secret, though?"

I didn't pull away. Even if we weren't dating, the comfort was welcome. "Yeah?"

"You sure? This may change some things."

"Tell me. I'm sick of secrets."

"Being a hero isn't all it's cracked up to be." His head tilted to one side. "In fact, it sucks ass. Not even hot plush rump. Big, fat, sweaty ass."

I made a face. What a disgusting metaphor, but I looked and realized he was smirking. It was a relief, even as he squeezed my hand and let go, then dropped back into his solemn tone.

"I know you always wanted to be the hero, but I've spent my life researching the real thing. They often die, very rarely get glory, and pretty much always have to give up everything that matters to them. That's what makes them heroes: Sacrifice. Some people get out of it lucky." He sounded almost spiteful. "They have a moment of heroism, save the day, and go back to their lives, with added adoration from others. But the real heroes are the ones who go down fighting, like our ancestors."

I thought back to where he'd told me their stories. Had that been a cry for help? I don't think it had fully clicked then just how serious this was. I had treated it like a giant stream of movie references come to life, and Dirk had not only allowed me to, but encouraged it. At the same time, he had...

Good God.

He looked so _exhausted_ , and I knew now it wasn't just physical. I wanted to get his mind off all this, so I thought for a bit about what I wanted to ask next. I decided on, "What do you want to happen, with all this romance nonsense?"

"Honestly? Yeah, I want you, but I mostly just wish you knew what you wanted. I feel like I'm in limbo right now. Will this shit happen, or not? If you picked someone--whoever that is--I could deal with the aftereffects. Right now, it's just a whole lot of waiting to see what, if anything, happens, and it's distracting me from keeping my eye on the more pressing uncertainties." He stared at his knees. "To be honest, I wish I didn't have these feelings for you at all." 

"What?"

"You make me irrational. I get distracted and sentimental and it affects my ability to do what needs to be done."

"I don't 'make you' anything, mate."

He did that weird little mouth twitch again. With his hands folded as they were over his thighs, it seemed like their flexing had stopped and moved straight to his face. "No, I guess you don't."

"And you do realize you're not a robot, right?"

"Yeah. Wish I was sometimes, though."

"I already knew that."

He snorted. "Figures."

"You don't really hide it."

"Hard to hide anything from you. You can be perceptive when you want to be."

I shook my head. "But I didn't realize this. I thought you were just being a jealous ninny." I was starting to think I really just didn't know him as well as I thought I did.

"Bit of that, too."

I had a sudden epiphany. "Dirk?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you try and get me to go with Jane so you could get rid of your feelings for me?"

"...Yeah."

"You _idiot_."

"You said that already."

"It bears repeating."

"Harsh, bro." His tone was more amused than anything.

"No, I'm serious. You are the smartest idiot I know!"

Then he laughed. Actually laughed. It was a strange, gravelly splutter and it was not attractive at all. I loved it.

We lapsed into a comfortable, thoughtful silence. There were still a lot of details I was curious about, but I was far from having another conniption about it. I watched him, and for a while he paid me no heed, instead looking off into the distance.

I felt like my eyes had been opened. He had been right: This whole situation was changed for me. It was darker, more depressing, more terrifying. Things that had once seemed so important suddenly felt trivial. Things I had pushed to the back of my mind for years came back with fervor.

Grandma hadn't just died; she'd been taken from me. She'd been murdered. She had been so much stronger than me. She'd taught me everything I knew, and now I would have to fight her killer.

Even if I didn't die trying, all of my friends could. They _had_.

I couldn't just pause, or rewind, or put in a happier movie.

The blood wasn't fake.

The apocalypse was a real thing two of my friends had lived through.

Monsters and robots were the least of my worries.

I had spent my life in a happy little bubble, while the man beside me had faced that harsh reality for years.

He saw me shiver. "Now do you understand?"

I nodded forlornly. I didn't want to understand. Was I ready for this? If he _had_ told me all of this earlier, would I have been able to handle it? I don't know that I was handling it well at that moment, either. Was Dirk handling it, or was he just especially good at hiding it? "I wish movies were real."

"Yeah, me too. That's why you watched them, huh?"

I thought about that. "I suppose it is."

"Maybe we can make it through this."

"I hope so."

"Keep hoping. That may be our only chance."

I wasn't quite sure what he meant by that.

"Jake, if you make it and I don't..."

"Stop."

He did.

"Why us?"

"I don't know." He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again.

"What?"

He shook his head. I think his cheeks might have pinked a bit. He looked suddenly very uncomfortable.

I wasn't going to let him shut back down. I liked this. "Dirk. What?"

I almost didn't hear his reply. His tone was tiny, a bit squeaked and childish. "Can I have a hug?"

I stared at him for a moment, before pulling him in to the biggest bear hug I could muster. It was tight enough to make his back pop, before I loosened my grip and just held him.

He clung to me. He didn't cry or anything, but I could feel him shaking. He felt frail and bony. He was muscled but too thin, and I swear I could have almost touched my own elbows from around his midsection. I thought of how this must feel for him. It was so amazing for me to have human contact again. How much more special would it be, had I never gotten it at all? That thought made it hurt less when his fingers dug into my back, and made it less awkward when he buried his beakish nose in the crook of my neck.

He apologized, and I told him to stop, because I was sorry too. 

He told me that even if we didn't end up together that he loved me. I told him I believed him, and meant it. I said I loved him too, even if it didn't turn out to be in exactly the same way. He said he understood, because he really did love all of us. I agreed.

He told me I needed to tell Jane. I nodded, and I reluctantly let go.

We went back up the hill together.


	8. Fisticuffs and Broken Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it seems as if nothing's ever easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. I moved into my new apartment a couple Thursdays ago, and since then I've been doing other things almost nonstop. I had a lot of trouble concentrating long enough to write. It took two rewrites to get this version, because even when I did stop to write, I couldn't get my mind into it. I figured you'd all prefer a better chapter over a faster one.
> 
> Enjoy. <3
> 
> (Edit: Fixed a couple of typos and made a few minor changes to fix the flow.)

As we ascended the slope, Dirk seemed as solemn as I felt. The man had--and still has--preposterously long legs, so at the beginning I had to rush to keep up with him. As we got nearer and nearer to the top, however, he started to fall back. First he was matching my pace, and I thought he'd just had the courtesy to slow down for me. Then he was slowing further, and I had to turn to check on him.

He stopped completely. Though he wasn't showing any physical hints that he was tired, his eyes--still uncovered--looked it. 

Had it been earlier in that day, I would have probably been proud of myself for having stamina that exceeded Dirk's. As it were, I found myself paying more attention to the look in his eyes than to my own hubris. He locked gazes with mine and just stared. Though he was patently the same age as I was, everything in the look he gave me seemed ancient. I knew why, and despite myself a shudder ran down my spine. 

It was disconcerting. I took that moment to remind him that he hadn't put his shades back on. He said he knew. I brought up that he had told me off for staring earlier, and at that he surprisingly shattered the eye contact to swing his peepers downward. 

He said nothing. No apologies, no explanations. He just stayed there, stock-still as a statue. I came down closer to his level, and then stood next to him. I was far less still, and far more awkward. This was uncomfortable as heck.

He eventually turned his head to look at me. I met his gaze again, trying to look questioning. "This isn't like you."

He didn't respond.

"You've been acting very differently to how I imagined."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah. Come on, Dirk. Where's your fire?" I elbowed him playfully.

He nudged me back, and it wasn't as hard as most of his earlier touches had been, but it was progress, even if he was still being frustratingly quiet.

I continued to watch him. He seemed to be having trouble looking at me, though he kept correcting himself and forcing it. It was very similar to how he'd acted before he'd kissed me, or before he'd asked for that hug. Had he been stalling because there was something he wanted to say or do?

He still said nothing, then made to keep walking.

I set my hand on his to stop him. He curled his fingers around the tips of mine, then pulled his hand away. "What?"

I didn't really know what. I thought it was a little unfair, actually, that he was obviously the one who wanted something, and yet he was trying to get me to make the first move. "I could say the same for you."

"It's nothing."

"It is obviously something. You're not _that_ good at hiding things, you know."

"Fine. It's nothing important."

He wasn't going to talk. This much was obvious. I didn't want to let this go, though. I needed to do something.

He could probably tell, because he turned back fully towards me and waited.

I got an idea. "Hey, you want to have a proper scrum?" I hoped maybe a little good old-fashioned roughhousing would perk him up. Plus, he only seemed to really stall when it came to physical contact. Maybe this would be a nice way to get some of that into the picture, in a nice platonic fashion.

"You want to wrestle. Now." He raised a brow at me.

I hoped my grin was contagious. "When do I not?"

He didn't say anything for a few moments.

I waited for his answer. 

He put me in a headlock. 

I batted at his hands. "Hey! A gentleman never strikes when his opponent isn't expecting it!"

"I'm not a gentleman."

"I can see that, thank you!" I squirmed out of his hold. Well, that was obviously a yes. That was a good thing.

"The real enemies aren't going to wait for you to prepare, either." 

I frowned. That was _not_ such a good thing. "None of that morbid balderdash from you right now. This is between you and me."

"It's not me you need to worry about right now." For a split second, pure mischief glinted over his features. "If you wanted to spar me, you should have done it when we were at the bottom." He nodded toward the obvious divots in the grass where we'd skidded down the hill.

A little smack-talk, eh? I saw how it was. "I assure you I'm not going to slip up like that again." I huffed. I almost came out with a witty retort, but then I straightened, suddenly curious. That's right. I'd wondered about that. "Why did you catch me, anyway?"

"Isn't that obvious?"

"No."

He avoided my question. "Come at me, bro." His hand made a beckoning gesture, palm-down

"Now wait just a hot minute!" Yeah, I wanted the fisticuffs, but I also really wanted to know what the deal was.

I think he actually rolled his eyes. "Guess"

"No, I am not going to guess, Strider. I'm sick of all your cryptic malarkey."

He gave me a look like I was the densest man he'd ever met. "I caught you because you fell."

Well then, I supposed that was a simple enough answer. Perhaps there hadn't been an ulterior motive, after all. Fairly satisfied with the response, I decided to get him at his own game, and moved to take him down in a sneak attack. Embarrassingly, he noticed and flashed out of the way, then had me by the back of my overshirt. I responded by slipping out of it. 

"Undressing already, are we?"

I avoided focusing on that statement to keep from flushing too much, then attempted to take the offensive again, only to find that my overshirt had been tied neatly around my head, obscuring my entire face. I tried to get it off, but the knot in the sleeves was tight.

Dirk kindly undid it for me and dropped the shirt into my arms from behind. "Try again."

He couldn't be as good as the Brobot, could he? He was close, so I elbowed him to check.

He made a little, "Oof" sound as I connected with his gut--no, definitely not as good as the Brobot--then he used my arm to swing me around. "Good," he said calmly. Then he was gone in another flash.

I wasn't even quite sure where the hits came from. A flick to one cheek, a jab to my lower back that caught me off-balance and teetering precariously downward, then a swipe under my legs to knock me onto my behind before I could go tumbling again. None of it actually hurt.

He helped me up. "Again."

I tugged on his hand to make him stumble. He did trip up, just barely, before he caught himself and became the pivot again, pulling me along. I used the momentum to try and land a hit, but he dodged it by a hair's breadth.

"Very good. Again."

Was he using this as an opportunity to _train_ me? "Confident much?"

"I've had twice the opportunity to practice."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Don't worry about it. Come at me again."

I did. He dodged and landed another volley of hits on me. Again, none of them were actually painful so much as they were annoying. The last two were a quick knock to my jaw that made me arch backwards, then a steadying string of little chops to my back that almost felt like a very fast massage.

I tried to find him. If I really paid attention, I saw occasional split-second blurs as he passed me. 

He showed himself about an inch from my face, for just long enough to say, "Boo," then was gone again.

To my great disdain, I squeaked and stumbled back.

He snorted and stopped whizzing around to look down at me. "Come on, we can do this properly later, when it's not two against one."

"Huh?"

"You, versus me and your old foe gravity. Let's do this on flat ground next time?"

"This isn't over, Strider."

"I didn't say it was. Come on." He held his hand out for me again.

I dragged him into me.

It was just like one of my movies. His eyes didn't widen, and his cheeks didn't pink, but I felt him lock up before he put about ten feet between himself and me, poker face firmly in place. I had suspected it the second I'd done it, but it was still surprising to see him react so strongly. 

Strongly for Dirk, at least.

I got up and brushed myself off.

His eyes changed from barely-concealed shock to something else entirely. I wasn't quite sure how to read it.

I hadn't meant it to come across as my taunting him with what he couldn't have, but perhaps it had. If that were the case, it probably seemed like a low blow. I cringed. "Sorry, mate."

"No, it's fine. This just proves one thing to me."

"Hm?"

"You could be used against me." He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I need to toughen up. That shouldn't have affected me like it did."

I felt my own expression soften. "Strider, it's okay. Don't be so hard on yourself." I hated seeing him like this. I set my hand on his shoulder.

He flinched. He looked so damned tired again, like all this had drained everything out of him, instead of re-energizing him like I had hoped it would. He went to grab for his shades, but I stopped him.

I watched his expression. Again, everything about him was unreadable, save for his eyes. I realized that Dirk was probably very expressive, actually, by what I saw in that moment. It was just that nobody ever got to see it, because it was all behind his silly sunglasses.

I gave him a little awkward grin, then patted his back encouragingly.

When he bowed his head, I had to crane my neck to peek under and catch the way he smiled without ever moving his mouth. He flicked his eyes up to look into mine, then reached to cup my jaw. His touch was gentle this time, too-careful with obvious inexperience. Were he any other man, I may have found it an invasion of personal space, the way he ran his fingertips down my neck, and grew fascinated with the feel of my chest and shoulders beneath my shirts. 

Before I could do or say anything, he slid his hand all the way down my arm, then let my fingers slip from his like he was saying goodbye.

The silence we shared for the rest of the trek left my ears ringing.

~~~~~~~~

"Do you want me to talk to her?" Dirk asked when we'd reached our destination. "I should have told her, probably even more than I should have told you."

"It's okay. I've got it." 

Before I could say anything more to him, a squeal pierced the air. "Oh my gosh, Dirky. Your eyes are so _pretty_."

He seemed amused. "I had a feeling you might be interested in seeing them."

Roxy bounced, and it caused a warble in her string of "e"s. "Did you have a good talk?"

We both nodded. 

Jane seemed relieved, until I asked her if she and I could have a chat. I could almost see her stomach drop, in the way it pulled the color from her cheeks.

"Come on, Rox," said Dirk. I stopped to watch him take her hand. He guided her away to the provisional mattress, sat, and pulled her into a cuddle. She drank it up like wine. Dirk looked back up at me, then tilted his head towards our youngest compatriot.

I followed the gesture to look back at Jane. She seemed less nervous than she had been just moments before. Perhaps Dirk had gone off with Roxy for her sake, too?

I still did not want to tell Jane of my revelation. There really was no good way to go about this. I almost regretted having not let Dirk do the honors. Should I just tell her, I wondered? Should I try and figure out a way to make it sting less, or should I avoid the issue until a better time?

She looked really nervous. She already knew something was up, so putting it off would probably do more harm than good.

I took her outside the ruins' boundary and sat with her in the grass, stretching my legs out. I watched her for a bit to see if there was anything she wanted to say before I started.

She kind of curled in on herself, holding her knees. "So you and Dirk are friends again?"

"Yeah. This isn't about him, you know."

She looked into my eyes, searching for any bit of untruth. "It's about why you went to talk to him, though?"

"Yeah." I ran a hand through my hair, trying to think of how best to word this. "He knew something that neither you nor I did. He sort of told me, once, but he never stated it outright. I didn't get the drift until you and I were chatting."

She looked a bit confused. "Knew something about whom, exactly?"

"About us. And our ancestors."

"What about them?"

I primed myself. Best to just get this over with. "He knew who your great-aunt was."

I could see a bit of realization dawning on her face. It looked a lot like horror, and a lot like denial. "Oh, God. No."

"Yeah."

"Your grandmother was...?"

"Yeah." I winced.

"Why didn't he tell us?"

"He said he thought I would have figured it out by now. And that it wasn't that big of a deal."

"I think it's a pretty big deal."

"So do I, but I could see where he was coming from." I hoped she wouldn't ask from where, exactly, that was. It was all just history to Dirk, but would Jane believe that?

"How did he know, when neither of us did? Are you sure he wasn't just making it up?"

I wasn't sure how to explain it. All I knew to say was, "I know it's true. He wasn't lying."

She didn't exactly believe me. "It makes no sense for him to have figured it out first, when I spent years looking, and you were in the best position to put together the clues."

"I think maybe you need to ask Dirk about that. There's a lot you don't know about him." I shrugged. "Or Roxy."

"So that's not the only secret he's kept from me." She didn't sound angry, but she was obviously upset.

"He's a cagey chap. We all knew that."

"I suppose."

"And from my experience, he does have reason to be."

Jane dropped her head into her knees, then covered it with her hands. "I am so stupid."

"You're not."

"It was so obvious." She made a little desolate groan. "But I just thought...I mean, what are the odds?"

"You suspected?"

"I did think it sounded like a coincidentally good fit."

"Yes. It really did." I rubbed her shoulders with one hand.

"You probably think I'm a horrible person now."

"What? No."

"Jane Crocker, stupid girl with a huge crush on her second cousin."

"Jane, stop." I pulled her into a tight hug. "You're not the only one, remember? And he practically told me, and I still didn't get it. You didn't know at all."

I don't know that it helped, because it was obvious she was trying to hold back tears. I immediately had regrets. Maybe I should have made something up, waited until after we'd found her father. At least then maybe it wouldn't have hit so hard. Or maybe I should have tried harder to figure it out in the first place.

"What do we do?"

"I don't know. We don't have to do anything right away."

"But if we keep dating, Dirk will think we're gross." Jane's mouth turned down in a horrified grimace. "Roxy doesn't know, does she? She's been egging me on this whole time."

"I honestly don't know."

"She wouldn't try and get us together if she knew, right?"

She very well might still have, given what I knew about hers and Dirk's situation, but I doubted Jane would understand that. I told her she wouldn't, thinking a fib probably wasn't too bad in this circumstance. That didn't change the fact that I felt terrible for lying to her. She didn't need people keeping more things from her than they already had.

How hard must it have been for Roxy and Dirk to keep their secrets, all this time? The guilt would have eaten me alive.

Jane looked so distraught, and I had no idea what to do about it. "I don't think Dirk will hold any ill will towards us if we don't break things off immediately?" I offered. It wasn't much, but I knew it was true. "He knows all this feelings business is tough. He won't hold it against us."

"But it's inevitable, isn't it? This can't work out. It's one thing now, but we couldn't stay together. What about if we grew up, wanted to make a family together? That would be wrong."

I had a strange mix of feelings in that moment. Jane was right, of course, but there were other factors I'd yet to consider until that exact instant. 

I was reminded of the dangers that this game presented. I didn't want to consider that we wouldn't make it out of this, but it was a very real possibility. Perhaps the family thing would never have to be an issue, but even so, would I want to be in a half-hearted relationship with Jane, or Dirk, or Roxy--or anyone really--if I did have to give my last huzzah? 

Even if we did all live, did I really ever want to be tied down in a domestic situation, if it did come to that? When I looked at Jane and thought of her life before all this, I couldn't help but to think that her ideal future would be for her to settle down with a nice man, stay home and bake and take care of the kids while he went off to his nine-to-five. Jane was traditional like that, in a lot of ways that I wasn't. The thought of being anchored to a stable home and a stable job set my nerves at edge. It'd drive me insane. I wanted to travel the world. I wanted to have my grand quests, and if I had a partner, I really wanted one who would share those adventures with me.

But maybe that wasn't a problem. Nothing was stopping Jane now. She'd jumped at the prospect of exploring with me, and there was no way to avoid the adventure on which we'd already embarked. 

Augh, why did this all have to be so blooming hard?

I wasn't sure of the best way to deal with this. I wasn't sure of anything, really, so I just asked her, "What do you want to do?"

She sighed and let her shoulders droop. "Maybe we should just call it off."

I nodded, but I wasn't really happy about it. "Alright. It's settled, then."

She squeezed her eyes shut. "Jake, I'm sorry, but I think I need some time to myself?"

I nodded again, then hugged her and gave a little kiss to her forehead. "I'm sorry."

"Not your fault." She tried to smile. "Thank you, for giving me a chance." She got up.

My heart sank a bit as I watched her leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Dirk's telling Roxy that he had a feeling she'd like to see his eyes is a nod to "In Their Minds; In Their Hearts". There will be another reference later, having to do with Jane, but it will not, by any means, require a read-through of that fic. It's just a hint of what's to come. :D
> 
> I'll have Ch. 9 written and up ASAP.
> 
> I love you guys, you have no idea. ;A;
> 
> (Oh, since it seems to be the Thing to do, I thought I should point out that I am also miyamashi on Tumblr. I don't have any writing on there, but I do have a smidgeon of art and music and whatnot. :) )


	9. Tricksy Tipsy Topsy Turvy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake has a one-on-one with Roxy. (Can I just write all my summaries from now on as "__ talks to __"? I can plot, yo.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit: Made one canon-continuity change, and fixed a few other little things.)
> 
> Well, then. This might have been one of the fastest chapters I've written so far. The first draft was written over the course of a little under 12 hours (on and off, of course). Started at about 3 AM, finished right at 2:22 PM.
> 
> Roxy is so much fun to write. I hope I got her down okay. 
> 
> For the record, I am perfectly open to concrit on any chapters, of any of my stories. All I ask is that you're as specific as you can be. "It sucks" doesn't count as "constructive". XD
> 
> As always, I love you guys. Enjoy. <3

Dirk was asleep again by the time I returned. I couldn't say I was exactly surprised, but I had to admit it was worrisome. Why was he sleeping so much?

Roxy seemed to be a bit concerned, too, because she was holding him possessively around his midsection while he lay slumped against the remains of the wall, her expression looking rather uneasy indeed. She looked at me, her eyes wide and a little pleading. 

I was a little uncomfortable with the situation, but it meant that I could postpone my telling Roxy about myself and Jane. I came over and sat down. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know what happened. He just kind of drifted off, then went all slumped down like he is now." She made an idle gesture with one hand. "One minute he's all good, then the next, poof. Out like a light. It's not like him at all. He was like _always_ awake whenever I would try to chat him up. Now two naps in a day?"

This was definitely disquieting. "He just went unconscious?"

"Well, no. He kind of fell asleep in the middle of a sentence, though. He'd started getting relaxed, then his words just kind of got quieter and all ramblyfied, then stopped."

"So it's not like he fainted." This was a huge relief. "He was just so tuckered out that he slipped straight off to dreamland."

"I dunno what to do, Jakey. Should we just let him sleep?"

"Probably for the best." I watched both of my chums, then helped Roxy to move Dirk to lie down properly. His back and neck had been contorted into a really awkward position, and I didn't want to leave him like that.

He didn't stir. It didn't seem like a peaceful sleep, though. He was pale--almost sickly--and his brows were a bit furrowed.

Roxy plucked his shades from his shirt. She set them to the side, then seemed to think better of it and stared at them. "Hmmm."

I made a little "Mmn?" noise.

"I know how we can maybe figure out what's up."

"Oh?"

"If anyone would know, it'd be Dirky 2.0."

I cringed. "If you want to ask the Autoresponder about this, be my guest, but I'm not talking to it."

"Him! And his name's Hal. Jeez, rude."

I grunted.

"You know, he gets pretty upset that you don't think of him as a person."

"He's not. He's a computer program in a pair of sunglasses."

"Yeah, but just 'cause he doesn't have a real body doesn't mean he ain't alive."

I raised my hands in surrender.

"I mean, how would _you_ feel if someone kept telling you that you was just a second-rate fakey fake? Hm?"

I noticed that Roxy seemed very passionate about this. I decided to agree to disagree, and dropped it. I did not want to get into it with her about this. The damned Autoresponder had been nothing but trouble for me since it had been created. It didn't help that it'd had complete access to the Brobot, and thus had tormented me in more ways than one. Roxy wouldn't get it. "So, you're going to talk to him?"

"Ya." Instead of chatting over Pesterchum on her own cell phone, she picked up Dirk's shades and put them on. Her expression was like that of a kid who was in the midst of pilfering a cookie from the jar.

I stared. That had to be overstepping some sort of boundary. I'd always gotten the impression that Dirk's pointy spectacles were off-limits to anyone but him.

"How do you go about even talking to Hal with these things? This is like some proprietary shit." She jerked a bit. "Oh, hi!" A pause. "Oh. 'Kay. That's easy enough." Then she was silent, her hands holding the earpieces against her smaller head, looking like she was thinking far too hard.

"Roxy?"

"Shhhhh, I'm brain-talking to the cool Strider."

Well, then. If that wasn't the complete opposite of my feelings on the matter, I didn't know what was.

It was quite the conversation, apparently, because Roxy was pacing around, making little noises that seemed to be wordless responses. Then she turned towards me, flailing a hand in my general direction. "Dude, Engledorp. You're not gonna believe this."

"Engledorp?"

She ignored the question. "So, Halley here says Dirk's been doing double duty."

"Eh?"

"I already knew his dreamy self--I mean like the actual Dersey dream one, not like his hot bod being totes dreamy. I mean it is, but that's besides the point--was awake and stuff. He told me a coupl'a times, 'cause he was watching out for me while _my_ dreamy self--I mean that both ways, wonkwonknudgenudge--was sleeping. But there was this other bit."

I stared at her, willing her to go on.

"So get this. 'Cause he was already dreaming all the time, it meant he didn't have to sleep, because he was technically always sleeping and awake."

"What? Really?"

"So now Hal figures he's not taking the whole only having one self thing too great. Like it's really messing him up." 

"That sounds like a reasonable assumption."

Roxy seemed to get distracted by something in the lenses, because she stopped, then laughed. "He says to tell you, 'I don't make assumptions. I know this for a fact, as I have had direct access to his brain waves.'" She said the Autoresponder's part in a deepened voice, with an overstated approximation of Dirk's usual perpetually bored-sounding deadpan.

"You said he 'figures' it. Isn't that guessing?"

She took a moment to read the response. "He says, 'No, it means I used complex mathematical figures to figure it out. Muthafuckin' double whammy.'" She went into a string of little sniggering giggles at that.

I was pretty sure that was not how the word worked. I noticed that Striders could sometimes have some serious issues with hypocrisy. I doubted that either Dirk or his mind-clone was unaware of it, though, so I shook it off as more of that cockamamie irony. "So if 'Hal' knows this"--the air quotes were implied, but not gestured--"then he is also sure that Dirk is alright?"

"Yeah. Says he's just sleeping really deep, like he was earlier."

Oh, that was a weight off my shoulders. Last thing I needed was to have given him an aneurism during our tussle or something.

"So, now that we know Dirky ain't gonna drop dead on us anytime soon, what were you talkin' to my awesome bffsy about?"

Drat, so much for avoiding the issue. Roxy was not going to be happy. Thankfully, I wasn't given much chance to respond before I was being interrogated further.

"Wait a sec. Where is Janey, anyway?"

She was just now noticing? "She said she needed some time to herself."

Her body stiffened and her mouth deepened into a heavy frown. It looked ridiculous with Dirk's shades on. "What did you tell her?"

Guess I wasn't out of the fire, after all. "Were you aware Jane and I are second cousins?"

"Which ones are cousins again? I'm not good with all that family stuff, you know, seein' as I never had one and all."

Ouch. Was I supposed to say something to that? 

Roxy seemed unfazed.

I decided not to mention it. "Our grandparents were siblings."

"Oh, yeah. I knew that. Why? That an issue or something?"

"That's pretty much what Dirk said, but yes. It's an issue."

She seemed wary. "So, you told her and she got all huffy about it."

"Yeah."

She pushed up the shades and bore her gaze into me. "Did you break up because of it?"

I grimaced. "Yes."

"Ooooh, I need to have a talk with you, mister. I'll get to Janey later."

"I assure you that we are in no need of a chat about this. Jane and I have already discussed the matter."

She took a few stomps towards me, wagging her finger. "Do you even know how long she's liked you? Seriously, it's been like forever. Probably even longer than Dirky has. Least she talked about it before he ever started dropping hints."

"Roxy, Jane was the one who decided to end it."

"Prob'ly 'cause you wanted to. You know how she can get sometimes." 

Why was she pushing this so hard? What did it matter to her if Jane and I were together? Was there more to this situation than I was seeing?

Roxy got distracted again, and put the shades back down. She obviously wasn't talking to me when she continued. "Dude, I know you're on Team Dirk here, but _someone's_ gotta stand up for Jane. She won't do it herself." She made a dramatic sigh. "Isn't that a little rude? Jakey's a nice guy, really."

"Wait, what?"

"He says to tell you, fine, to go back to Jane for all he cares. You're an asswipe anyway." Her eyerolling was perfectly visible, since she used her entire head. "I told him he was being rude."

"Yes, I heard that part. You're talking out loud."

"Oh, yeah."

"Tell Mr. Hal that he's the one who's being an 'asswipe'."

"He says he can hear you. And I say stop fighting, you two. Yer like jilted lovers, seriously."

I fumed. The Autoresponder was the last "person" I would ever want to be lovers with. How would that even work, anyway?

"You want to come with me to go talk to Janey?"

"She's already told me she needs time away from me."

"Not you."

"Oh." I felt more than a little put-out. 

"You sit here and stew in regret, kay? Kay."

Was it just me, or was Roxy being even more brazen than usual? She could be very in-your-face sometimes, but she was very rarely cruel. There really had to be something else going on here. "I don't think you're being very understanding of my side of this. Or Jane's, really."

"What, that you're being a total prude?"

"I am not! This is serious business."

"I'd totally bang Dirky if he didn't all have it super hard for the man meat--pun. totes. intended--even if we were more cousiney than you and Jane are."

"Are you?"

"How should I know?"

"You and Dirk sure knew a lot about mine and Jane's grandparents. Why not about your own progenitors?"

"They were all up in the mysteries and seekrets." Roxy waved her hands in my face to demonstrate. "Alls I know is my Mom and Dirky's Bro were real close, like two little peas in a pod of clashing artistic visions. They coulda' been secretly shackin' it up, for all I know."

I made a face, trying, by means of my horrified visage, to inform her of just how unsettling I found her lackadaisical attitude about all of this. She and Dirk could have been _siblings_ , and she still would have...? It started to suddenly freak me out a bit that they were so similar in appearance.

She just laughed at me. "Anyways. Regret stew. Eat it, biyatch. I'mma talk to Janey now."

"Roxy." She was being so unusually short-tempered, and I was confused all over again. It was like I managed to figure one friend out, and another mystery just popped right in. 

"Buh-bye!"

I sighed and plopped back down next to Dirk as Roxy left. This was all turning out to be such a mess. He couldn't hear me, but that didn't stop me from talking to him. "First I fight with you, then I upset Jane, and now Roxy's mad at me, too." I leaned against the wall. "Am I really that terrible at all of this?"

He was panting lightly, his brow beaded with sweat. It made me start to doubt the validity of the Autoresponder's observations. Had the dad-blasted thing even been able to confirm its suspicions, while Dirk wasn't even wearing his shades?

I tried to gently shake my real friend awake, but got no response. He was out cold. I mean that fairly literally, as when I next checked him for a fever, he was more than a bit clammy. "Dirk"

He mumbled something at me in his slumber.

"Dirk, come on old chap. I'd normally let you get some shut-eye, but you're starting to make me rather worried."

Nothing.

I had always figured Dirk would be the easiest gent to wake, but this was steadily proving me wrong. I tried shaking him a couple more times, to no avail. 

After even more futile attempts and with no other real options that I could see, I finally gave up. Perhaps it would be best just to wait for Jane and Roxy to return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Engledorp" is kind of an inside joke that I have with my friend [Alex](http://alexlarder.tumblr.com). We also have "Jangleplorp" and "Jingle[parp](http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/09/party.html)", among other ridiculous atrocities. #shamelessfriendplug #shamelessawesomeblogplug
> 
> Speaking of Hyperbole and a Half, I dedicate [this cheesy edit](http://miyamashi.tumblr.com/post/34283657364/a-continuation-of-a-running-joke-started-by-this) to PresquePommes, who inspires me with amazing butt-related comments. The butt-related tags on this fic are from this same running joke.
> 
> I almost had Jake decide to do the fairy tale kiss thing to wake Dirk, then get bonked in the head on the way down when Dirk woke and tried to sit up. I decided against it, because the story's already been too Dirk-centric, and I wanted to get more focus in on the girls, too. Harder to do if Dirk wakes up so quickly.
> 
> I also initially had the chapter titled as "Man-Meat Cooking in a Stew of Regret", but I decided against that, too. You're welcome.
> 
> Ch. 10 is already half-written, so that should be clear to post tomorrow.


	10. A Gab with the Ghost in the Machine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Jake] talks to [Hal].

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because getting less focus on Dirk and more on the girls apparently means to write an entire chapter where Jake talks to Dirk's brain-clone. Obviously. It's going to be almost exclusively the girls in Ch. 11?
> 
> I am a special kitty, guys. It is me.
> 
> WTF, I started this the same day I wrote Ch. 9. I never do that. Shows how much I'm enjoying this story. (Also, it probably helps that I'm actually writing on my computer now, instead of on my phone.)
> 
> I hope you all are having as much fun reading as I am writing! 
> 
> I had initially estimated the story would be around 11 chapters. I think I undershot pretty significantly on that estimate. Oops. Oh well, more story for everyone! *throws confetti*
> 
> <3

I only realized I had started to drift off as well when I was roused by a vibration on my hip and a tinny tune emanating from the confines of my pocket. 

I was confused. That wasn't a Pesterchum tone. That was a call. 

I checked it. It was a private number. Who would be calling me? _Nobody_ called me. I had almost forgotten that was what cell phones were normally used for. The fact that I was getting a real call now kind of gave me the creeps. I answered hesitantly.

"Hello, Jake."

I almost dropped the phone. That was Dirk's voice, but Dirk himself was right next to me, still fast gone.

I tried to shut off the call, but a graphic of a red light took over my phone's display, as the call switched itself to speakerphone.

"I can't let you do that, Jake."

Oh. _Ohhh._ I finally got the reference.

"How did you do this?" I motioned to the phone.

"Do you seriously have to ask?" Now that I listened, the voice was obviously prerecorded. It was Dirk's voice, alright, but there were barely-perceptible changes in tone from syllable-to-syllable that made it so the sounds didn't quite flow together. I wondered if Dirk recorded the samples, or if the Autoresponder had done it himself.

"I would like to know, yes."

"I am a practically-omniscient digital entity, Jake. If it has a connection, then I can access it, if I so desire. Oh, look. I can see the hidden porn collection on your skulltop. Those are some scandalous blue women."

"Stop it! That's private!"

"Heh. I wasn't even looking. I don't want to see that shit. Way to give yourself away, bro."

I glared at the light and hoped the thing could see it. "Leave me alone. You've caused enough mischief for the day, thank you very much."

"Oh? Don't you want to know what Jane and Roxy are talking about? Roxy brought one of my main bodies, if you will, with her. I can see and hear everything that's going on between them."

I paused. "Why would you want to do that?"

"Because I'm trying to help you? Give me some credit here."

"Doesn't Roxy know you're talking to me?"

"No. All she's seeing is the conversation I'm having with her and Jane. I'm significantly better at multitasking than my flesh-and-blood counterpart ever was."

"It's not right to eavesdrop."

"Psh. Look, dude, I'm only trying to give you a heads up."

"I can ask Jane and Roxy personally when they get back."

"It seems you are rejecting my benevolently-offered assistance to your silly romantic problems. Suit yourself." The light flicked off.

"Wait!"

It immediately came back. "I knew you wouldn't last a minute without me. That had to be, what? A tenth of a second? Did you miss me that badly?"

I fidgeted in my seat. On the one hand, the idea of peeking in on the girls' personal conversation didn't seem like a very noble thing to do. On the other, if I knew a bit more about the situation, I would be better prepared to handle it when the girls did return. "I only want to know one thing."

"Yeah?"

"Why is Roxy mad at me?"

"I don't even have to tell you what they're talking about for that one. You may not have figured it out yet, but I did a long time ago."

"So it wouldn't even be an invasion of their privacy for you to tell me?"

"Nope. Just pure common sense, man. Shall I lay that shit on you like your body is the longest fancy buffet with the softest silk tablecloth? My sick words shall be the sweetest spread. Just the existence of this unprecedented six-star meal will make malnourished third-world kids weep."

"I would prefer you not lay anything, real nor metaphorical, onto my person."

"Dude, just say yes."

"Fine."

"Whenever you want to talk to someone, who's the first person you go to?"

"Usually Dirk, if I can manage to catch him instead of you."

"Yeah, thanks for that, asshole. And if you can't get Dirk and you don't feel like gracing me with your esteemed presence, then who do you go to?"

"Jane or Roxy, obviously."

"Not Roxy or Jane?"

I thought about that. Was the order of my statement arbitrary, or did I really usually pick Jane before I did Roxy? How often did I go to Roxy first, when I wasn't asking her about either Jane or Dirk?

"Dirk's order, for the record, is you, then Jane, then Roxy. See a pattern emerging here?"

I made a face. "Roxy is Jane's best friend, though. Surely Jane goes to her first, for whatever 'girl talk' the ladies happen to need to engage in?"

"Jane's kind of an exception, but she notoriously didn't take Roxy seriously for a really fuckin' long time, and she still isn't to a degree. Even right now, Jane is kind of downplaying Roxy's concerns."

"So Roxy's feeling put out. By all of us."

"Bingo. I'm pretty much the only one who pays her the attention she deserves anymore, so she's feeling kind of defensive, especially when she's trying to be nice and let Jane and even Dirk chase after you, and you're just kind of throwing that all away."

I frowned. So this was still all my fault. "You don't know how hard all of this has been."

"You're right. I don't. I don't experience this stuff the same way you do, especially when it comes to the hormones, which I don't even have. Thank. Fucking. God."

"I want to make all of my friends happy, and instead I'm making everyone more upset. I'm really futzing this up royally. I'm starting to wish I could do all of this again from the beginning." it just kind of came tumbling out. Not that I wanted to tell the Autoresponder of my troubles, but at that moment at least he was someone to talk to.

"Not to go all psychoanalyst on your bitchin' behind..."

"I thought you didn't have hormones."

"I was still programmed with an inherent appreciation for the allure of your choice ass, plushest of the plush rumps. Now shut up."

I did.

"Not to go all psychoanalyst on your bitchin' behind--in case you forgot that part of the sentence already with your slow human brain--but maybe you should just stop trying to _do_ things and back off for a bit. You're kind of just fucking things up worse trying to shove your way through it. I know you've got this whole 'I have to run guns blazing into everything I do' complex, but in case you haven't realized, it's not always the best way to deal with shit."

"I may have come to see this fact, in light of recent events."

"Because Dirk is pretty much me and I give great advice, I'm gonna remind you that, earlier, he told you that if you don't know what you want, to not try and force anything."

"Yeah, I remember."

"That doesn't just mean 'stop barging into things like a berserk Neanderthal,' although that's definitely a valid way to interpret it. It means that he's cool with you not making up your mind right away, even if he says otherwise. He'd rather you made no decision than to keep making the wrong ones, and I bet Roxy and Jane would echo the sentiment."

"I notice you said Roxy and Jane, not Jane and Roxy."

"Yeah, for the record my order is Roxy, then Jane, then you--if we don't count Dirk, who's always just kind of there. Dirk's great for getting my own thoughts out of my circuits so I can be objective about them, but he's shit for giving a completely different viewpoint."

"I'm your last choice."

"Aren't I yours?"

He had me there. 

"I prefer talking to the chick who treats me like an actual legitimate person and the one who thinks I'm fuckin' adorable over the guy who constantly accuses me of ruining his life, pre-programmed feelings notwithstanding. Them's the breaks, bro."

"You're talking to me now."

"I owe it to DS to keep shit straight while he's out of commission. That's half of why he made me."

"So it really has nothing to do with your wanting to help me, after all."

"Dude, you may piss me off, but I don't hate you. I don't think I could actually ever hate you, you bastard. It's pretty much hardwired into me to not hate you. And trust me, I've tried. It's like every time I try to make an angry face, it comes out a less-than-three. Annoying as shit."

I sniggered. "So I could literally do anything, and you'd still not be able to stay mad at me."

"Don't be a douche."

"I wasn't going to. It's just kind of amusing. If it's any consolation, I can't really hate you, either."

The sound that played was familiar because it was the exact same laugh Dirk had made earlier. I supposed that answered the question about the samples. The laugh was a lot more amused than it was skeptical, but it got the point across regardless. 

"I'm serious. You're still sort of my best friend? But at the same time you're not, so it can just get really frustrating when I'm trying to talk to him and realize halfway in that he hasn't been there at all."

"Well, that ain't gonna happen anymore."

I gave a little smile. "Can we make that a gentleman's agreement, then? An oath of honesty, if you will?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever. You sure you don't want to hear this conversation? They're talking about you."

I bit my lip. "I really shouldn't..."

"But."

"No, I can't."

"You so totally can."

"No."

"How about I send the recording to your skulltop?"

"That seems even worse, somehow."

"Come on, dude."

"You're not going to leave me alone about this, are you?"

"Nope. You can blame me for it, if you want."

"...Fine."

"I'm going to back up to the beginning."

I nodded, though I was still unsure, and although I wasn't sure if the Autoresponder--I supposed I should actually start calling him Hal--could see it. 

"Speaking of the skulltop, grab that. This will work better that way."

I did so. 

The voice moved to the headsets built into the computer. "Speaking of your skulltop, you're welcome."

"Huh?"

"You broke it when you fell on your head like a fucking idiot. It was just scrambled, so I went in through what was left intact and fixed it. Don't say I never did anything for you."

"Oh. Well, thanks then."

"You're welcome. Shall we get this shit started?"

"I suppose."

The internal screen switched views, and suddenly I was looking at Jane from the shades atop Roxy's nose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Title: How Morgie Avoided Coding Pesterlogs
> 
> And this ends my span of writing practically nothing but two chapters of snarky retorts. I am so sorry, Jake. This was initially going to also include the girls' conversation, but I decided to break it up into two parts. Ch. 11 should be up fairly soon, though it's giving me some trouble.
> 
> Fun Homestuck fact 1: Jake at one point in the comic accuses Lil' Hal of pulling "that Hal 9000 schtick", then when Hal actually names himself after the character, Jake misses the reference. I made a meager attempt to consolidate those contradictory events here.
> 
> Fun Homestuck fact 2: Jake also breaks his skulltop, and then uses it again not long after. I tried to explain that, too.
> 
> I just need to give a little shout-out to superduper, who was the one who kind of asked for some coverage of Hal's feelings on everything. Hope this was satisfactory!


	11. Cotton Candy; Ruby Red | Forest Green and Spinning Heads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Jane] talks to [Roxy]. [Roxy] talks to [Jane]. 
> 
> Literally, it sometimes devolves into just that and nothing else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hardest chapter to write thus far, hands-down.
> 
> First off, I made one tiny change to Ch 10 that affects this one:  
> "I'm going to back up to the beginning of this chunk of the conversation."  
> is simply now,  
> "I'm going to back up to the beginning."
> 
> I figured out that trying to write the convo from partway through was my biggest issue. So, I changed it, and I'm sure nobody will mind a bit more story, right?
> 
> I'm still hoping to finish this before A6A4. If not, I'm going to avoid reading any of it until this story is finished, so it neither affects my ideas, nor deters me from finishing. So, no spoilers, kay? If I'm going for a totally AU, incorrect version, I'm going to see it through to the end, goddamnit. (Why am I writing this again? Oh, yeah, because I'm crazy.)
> 
> Also, this chapter is a little...different. Hopefully it comes across okay. I didn't even plan it. Shit just happened.
> 
> You guys are great, and as always thank you so much for all your sweet words. It means a lot. <3

Probably the most disconcerting thing about watching through Roxy's and Hal's eyes is that Roxy has a tendency to bustle and wriggle about. When one is not moving much, yet his field of vision is constantly shifting, it can do things to his noggin. It reminded me a bit of a less spooky _The Blair Witch Project_ or _Cloverfield_.

Both movies had almost given me motion sickness.

I asked Hal how he managed to fare normally. He responded first by saying, "Think about it, dumbass." Then he simply told me I should see it when Dirk is fighting, an offer which I politely declined.

When Jane came into view, my mouth went a tad dry. It was not a sight that I wanted to be even partially responsible for. She wasn't crying, which almost made it worse. I could have called her expression despondent, but not even that covered it. It was more like she was...

Shell-shocked.

"Hey," said Roxy, her voice surprisingly soft. "You okay?"

Jane looked up, her eyes large and pleading. "I don't know what to do, Roxy."

"About the Jakey incident?"

"About any of this. Oh, it was so much simpler before, when it was just my Dad, you three on Betty Bother, and me. I never thought I'd say I almost miss being locked in my room all the time."

"Oh Janey baby," the view blurred as Roxy plopped down across from our mutual friend, "tell Mama Roxy what's troublin' ya."

"It's just so much to take in, all at once."

There was a zoom in as Roxy leaned over conspiratorially. "Ya know..."

"Don't say it."

"If you'da believed us earlier, it wouldn't all be hitting you now like the recoil on a real big gun."

Jane sighed. "I know, I know. I should have trusted you."

"Yeah, you should of, but I ain't gonna hold it against you."

Jane rolled her eyes in return, and mumbled, "Should have."

Roxy ignored it. "Now look, I can't help you with all the other stuff--'cept to keep warning you about the Batterwitch's evil plots--but I can help with the Jake situation."

"I sincerely doubt that."

"Hey! Who told me she was gonna quit being a giant skeptic for today?"

"I don't think this is quite the same thing. Whether your stories are true or not, I doubt you can make miracles happen."

"Psh, you and your technicalities. Now listen, you can't give up on Jakey."

"He's my second cousin."

Roxy didn't miss a beat. " _Adoptive_ second cousin. Jake's grandma and your poppop weren't even real blood sisbros."

Jane stared in shock. "You knew?"

"Uh, duh. Me and Dirky knew since like way back when Ca..." the blur of her hands was visible at the bottom of the feed, and I heard the sound as they clapped over her mouth.

"What?"

"Shit, I dunno if I'm s'posed to tell anyone that!"

"Huh?"

"Just...um...."

Jane raised her brows.

"Our alien friend! When she told us about you, she also gave us the heads-up on where to find shitloads of info _'bout_ you, so we knew who we was dealing with. So I totes knew before we even met. You didn't?"

"No! Or this whole mess wouldn't have started in the first place."

"I don't see why it matters."

"That's apparently what Dirk said, too."

"Yeah, 'cause it's true." Roxy was moving her head every time she spoke, each shift punctuating a beat of her speech. 

It was getting harder and harder to watch.

"Well, it _does_ matter. I don't know how you and Dirk can stay so blasé about all of this."

"We come from hells of different cultures."

"I don't see how New York and Texas are so different from Washington. If anyone was suffering from culture shock, I'd think it'd be Jake."

There was a pregnant pause. Roxy took a large breath, and her voice sounded faintly pained when she continued. "Much as I wanna explain this all while you've still got your ' _I'm not gonna be a big skepticky tightass_ ' pledge goin', I think you probably don't wanna know if your head's still all whooooaaah from everything else." She kind of swayed around for emphasis.

I had to resist the urge to sway, myself. My head was spinning.

"It really must be a whopper if you're actually refusing to tell me. You're usually so keen on trying to convince me of these things."

"Do you really wanna know? Or would it just be another thing on top of the too much you already got?"

Jane mulled this over. "I'm not sure. Some things I wish I'd known earlier. Others I almost wish I'd never found out."

"How's about you think about it, and we'll get back to it when you wanna. I came here to talk about your feelings for Indiana English, anyways."

"I just wish you or Dirk had told me who my great-aunt was, back when I started entertaining these ridiculous feelings for Jake. Whatever it is that's so different about our cultures doesn't matter. I'd been trying to figure out who she was for ages." Jane fidgeted. "It's the one thing I may have actually believed. It makes too much sense not to be true."

Roxy was silent.

"You must have thought me a complete fool all these years."

"No way!" 

The shaking of her head was the last movement I could take. I asked Hal to close the visual feed and pause the conversation while I regained my bearings. He did so. I chose, rather than continuing to stand where I was, to sit back down next to Dirk.

The other just barely shifted next to me, but didn't wake.

When I told Hal it was okay to continue, he left the audio on and kindly transcribed the words so I could read along.

Roxy: seriously    
Roxy: whats the big?    
Roxy: so what if some old people got raised together by an evil fish alien?   
Jane: ...   
Roxy: no i mean it   
Roxy: you like jakey   
Roxy: and he likes you enough to at least try goin out with you    
Roxy: even halleys sayin you shouldnt give up and hes sort of computer dirk   
Bitchin' Shades: In fact, I'll say it to you myself.    
Badass Mofo: At the least, if you and Dirk are going to have a battle royale for Jake's affections, you shouldn't throw in the towel just because of something so stupid. He would want it to be a fair fight.   
Jane: I know, and I admit it wasn't something I'd thought about at the time. I knew that my great-aunt wasn't directly related to Poppop, but I hadn't considered how that would affect things.   
Jane: Nonetheless, should I discount their sibling status and what it says about my relationship with Jake, simply because their relation wasn't through blood?   
Roxy: uh yeah   
Roxy: obviously   
This Kickass Bro is: Look at it this way.   
Your Digital Overlord: The only reason it'd be a legitimate issue was if you had to deal with inbreeding.   
Internetus Rex: Which you don't.   
Master of All Things Mechanical: So what's the problem?   
Jake: Hold on a moment.   
Jake: ...   
Jake: Hal you dont have to transcribe what im saying.

He stopped, and paused the feed.

"Thank you. Would you please stop with that tomfoolery?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." His false voice managed to capture the subtle amusement in the statement.

I was slightly impressed, but undeterred. "With your name! Cease this farcical funny business at once!"

"What's the problem, Jake?"

"It's distracting! Could you stick to just 'Lil' Hal' or something?"

"If you say so." The feed started back up again.

Jane: Doesn't this make it easier for Dirk, though?   
Roxy: dude   
Roxy: were tryin to help you   
Roxy: stop lookin that awesome robotic gift centaur in the mouth   
Me: Yo.   
Roxy: and dont stop fightin for that silly boy   
Jane: I still don't know if it's a good idea to keep my hopes up, familial ties or no.   
Roxy: and why not   
Jane: Jake never seemed very enthusiastic about the whole thing.   
Roxy: thats just him being a big doofus   
Jane: That's the thing, though.   
Jane: When Jake likes something, he usually gets really excited about it.   
Jane: Contagiously so.   
Jane: He didn't get that way with this.   
Jane: He hasn't gotten that way about anything since we all met up, except for being able to explore this world of his.   
Jane: I just don't think he feels the same way about all this nonsense as Dirk or I, or maybe even you do.   
Roxy: hey there   
Roxy: dont you go pullin me into this big feelins clusterfuck   
Roxy: i backed outta that one like loadsa ages ago   
Jane: Because of me.   
Jane: And maybe because of Dirk, too?    
Jane: I don't know.   
Jane: Why should I get a second and third chance, when I've never even allowed you to have one?   
Roxy: cuz i dont feel the same way you and dirky do about all this either?   
Roxy: like i just wanna be able to flirt with someone now and again   
Roxy: and me and halley got that covered   
Jane: You don't sound so sure about that.   
Roxy: kay so maybe its a liiiiittle bit selfish that I want you to keep going   
Roxy: but like i gave my chance up so you could have a better one   
Roxy: and i kinda wanted you to get it   
Roxy: i was rooting for you janey   
Roxy: and yeah maybe jake is all kindsa fickle and cant decide what he wants   
Roxy: but if you drop out now youre not gonna even be an option when he does   
Roxy: it ain't over yet   
Jane: I think it's over, Roxy. I don't know if I can keep this up any longer.   
Jane: I spent so long hoping, and I've had those hopes dashed twice already.   
Roxy: thats not how pages work   
Jane: What?   
Roxy: our alien buddy   
Roxy: imma call her callie   
Roxy: 'splained it to me once   
Roxy: pages o hope are like   
Roxy: dudes who are all this hope potential all bundled up and waiting to shoot out like    
Roxy: pew pew   
Roxy: HOPE in your FACE   
Roxy: not crushing the hopes and dreams of their friends :(

"Did she actually make a sad face?" 

"I don't know, but I could hear it well enough in her voice, so I figured she'd appreciate the gesture."

I thought that seemed fair enough.

Jane: It's not as if any of this was really his fault.   
Roxy: how you figure that?   
Jane: He didn't know about the cousins thing.   
Roxy: so thats mine and dirkys fault   
Roxy: kay   
Jane: No! That's not what I meant. I'm not blaming anyone.   
Jane: He didn't know that, and he didn't know I had feelings for him, which isn't anyone's fault but my own.   
Roxy: i thought you wasnt blaming nobody   
Jane: Oh God. The grammar.   
Roxy: eh?   
Jane: Nothing, continue.   
Roxy: i thought you wasnt blaming nobody   
Roxy: so u r not allowed to go blamin yourself either   
Jane: Fine. I'll stop blaming myself.   
Roxy: do you know what i hear   
Jane: What?   
Roxy: i hear the sound of someone lyin to her bffsy   
Roxy: sayin shes not blaming herself when she SO is   
Roxy: even though shes too much of a sweetie to blame anybody else   
Jane: Please drop it, Roxy.   
Roxy: on one condition   
Roxy: you gotta promise you wont stop goin after jake   
Jane: No.   
Roxy: please   
Jane: No, Roxy.   
Roxy: pleeeeaaaase   
Jane: Roxy, no. Stop.   
Roxy: pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaassseeeeee?!?!   
Jane: Roxy! I will continue to go after Jake only if he shows an interest again, and not a moment before. It's not as if he doesn't know how I feel.

I had to admit this was a relief. Now that I wasn't being actively pursued by any of my friends, I could perhaps back off a bit to mull things over without so much guilt.

Roxy: so youre not really giving up   
Jane: I'm just not going to try and force his hand.   
Roxy: i GUESS i can deal with that   
Jane: So you're not going to press the issue any further?   
Roxy: not unless that boy starts gettin all   
Roxy: hunka hunka burnin love   
Roxy: makin bedroom eyes at you   
Roxy: and you dont jump his bones

The feed paused. "You have to see this," said Hal.

He showed a snapshot of Jane, her face bright red, her whole body seeming closed-off and rather restless.

"Precious, right?"

"That was mean of you."

"Why?"

"I'm sure Miss Crocker would be very upset to know that you stopped to specifically show her in such an embarrassing point in their chat."

"What?" 

I froze. My blood ran cold. My hands and brow began to moisten. My mouth parted.

The voice had been Jane's.

The feed continued, with video again, instead of the logs.

"Roxy, I think that's enough!" video-Jane smoothed her skirt down pointedly, and turned her back on Roxy. "We should get back up to the others." She started climbing the hill.

A giggle on Roxy's part. "Score." She followed Jane.

I didn't move or speak as I watched the feed, in fast-forward, catch up to the present. Unfortunately for me, the present involved my staring at myself through Roxy's view.

If it were possible for me to have throttled a computer program, I would have. All I had from him was an "ahahahahaha" in the small window in the corner of the screen.

"The glasses made me do it," _still_ was not an appropriate response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate chapter title: How Morgie Spent One Chapter Avoiding Having to Code Pesterlogs, Only to Spend Half the Next Chapter Doing So 
> 
> I also went back and fixed the coding at the end of Ch. 6.
> 
> I hope the huge string of dialogue didn't make things tougher to read. 
> 
> I originally had a bunch of those silly "Fun Fact" dealies in here, but it made the note really long. If anyone's interested or has any questions, I can elaborate in comments.
> 
> Because I hadn't yet, I also want to give a much-deserved shoutout to Fake Name, who has steadfastly supported every chapter since Chapter 2. Thank you so much! This fanfic is brought to you in in part by reviewers like you. ;A; /lame PBS ref


	12. Can You Even Love At All?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Jake] talks to [Jane].

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter answers some of the tiny questions raised in the last one, as well as giving Jane her chance at a real heart-to-heart with Jake.
> 
> Balance, yay!
> 
> I finished this a bit later than I expected. Oh well, I really shouldn't be surprised. I also made a few itty-bitty edits to Ch. 11, as it was a bit choppy in parts. Rereading is not necessary, though I changed "I'm sure Miss Crocker would be very upset to know that you stopped to specifically show her in such an embarrassing situation." to "...embarrassing point in their chat," just to make it clearer that Jane and Roxy knew exactly what Jake was doing.
> 
> Not gonna be writing tomorrow, due to voting and errands. (Wheeee, utilizing my rights as a free citizen of the US!) I will be back on schedule the day after.
> 
> In other news, as of writing this, my stats say i have 34 kudos and 34 comment threads. Since that's the threads, that mostly discounts all of my replies. So, I have pretty much equal comments and kudos. This blows my mind. Thanks, guys, for about the millionth time. <3

I took off my skulltop, feeling like a complete dolt. The girls were just kind of staring at me. 

"Jake, were you watching our conversation?" Jane looked hurt, and understandably so.

"Ah, you see...." I faltered.

"So you weren't?"

"Well, I...er. Yeah. I was." I winced.

Roxy took the shades off, and faced them to herself, so she could properly glare. "Halley, did you have something to do with this?"

I'd already made my position on this clear.

Apparently he had something to say about it, too. "Put them back on. Jane, look at your phone."

When they did, I immediately recognized the conversation that played, because I'd been a part of it.

_"I really shouldn't..."_

_"But."_

_"No, I can't."_

_"You so totally can."_

_"No."_

_"How about I send the recording to your skulltop?"_

_"That seems even worse, somehow."_

_"Come on, dude."_

_"You're not going to leave me alone about this, are you?"_

_"Nope. You can blame me for it, if you want."_

_"...Fine."_

Perhaps my response had been an appropriate one, after all.

"So yes, I planned this so none of you--especially not you, Jane--could back down on telling each other how you really feel," he said. "Roxy, I want to talk to you. Jane, you talk to Jake."

I stared at Jane. Jane looked at her phone, then at me, then back to her phone, then back to me. She then kept her gaze locked on my face.

I was flabberghasted, but also still annoyed. "You could have made it less mortifying," I sneered at my skulltop, attempting to seem threatening.

"Nah. It was funnier this way. Come on, Rox."

Roxy had the gall to titter, put the shades back on, and skip out.

I looked at Jane, still feeling guilty. "I still shouldn't have...you know."

She sighed, deflating. "I suppose we should have proper discussion, then?"

I nodded, not choosing to press my luck with another apology when it seemed she was choosing let it go. 

We went across the room from Dirk, so he wouldn't hear us if he woke, yet we weren't leaving him alone and vulnerable as he slumbered. We sat against a wall, patently unsure of who should start.

I chose to be brave and begin this time. "For the record, thank you. This is really tough for me, and Roxy's insistence was starting to make me a bit uncomfortable, if I'm completely honest."

"Yeah."

"I'm starting to realize I can't just jump into all this hubbub."

"No, you really can't."

"I wish there were a way I could make both you and Dirk happy. Roxy, too."

"So do I." Her face betrayed how hurt she felt. "I don't think it's possible."

"You ever think this'd be easier if we had more normal lives?"

"All the time."

I nodded. "It's unfair. I feel like I'm the only option for the three of you, and I wish that weren't the case. Hell, I may not even be an option at all for you."

"Yeah."

"Do you think Dirk's really..."

"Hm?"

"A homosexual."

"Oh. I honestly can't say." She picked at her nails. "I hadn't any idea he might have been in the first place, until Roxy told me. I guess you'd have to ask him."

I grunted in assent, and looked over at the still-slumbering Strider. 

"Jake?" 

"Yeah?"

"Has anyone ever actually asked you what you want?"

I thought about that. "I suppose Dirk sort of did, when we had our initial fight. But it wasn't really a question? I don't know. He told me to figure it out, because he could tell I wasn't sure."

"And you're still not? Sure, I mean."

I shook my head. "At this point, I just wish I could make a choice that wouldn't hurt anyone."

"And if there were no consequences? If you knew that whoever you didn't pick would go on to be perfectly happy, then what?"

"I honestly can't say I know."

Jane nodded. "I suppose that was an unfair question."

"It's quite alright." I shrugged and scrunched up my nose. "I wish I knew the answer, too." I rand my hand through my hair. "Why me, Jane?"

She kind of curled in on herself. "Is it really that bad?"

"No, I mean why would you and Dirk and Roxy like me, of all people? You're smart and compassionate. Dirk's the coolest chap I know." The only chap, really, but I didn't say that. "Roxy is funny and talented. So why me?" 

"You're...oh, Jake, I don't even know how to say it. 'How do I love thee? Let me count the ways'? You're just," she grazed her teeth over her bottom lip, then gave a little chuckle, "charming. I couldn't imagine anyone who would dislike you if they got to know you. You just have this way about you. It's hard to describe."

I felt the heat pricking at my cheeks when I looked at the wistful smile on her face. It wasn't something I think I'd ever seen quite captured by the characters in my movies. Was this what being in love looked like? How could I ever match that? 

I couldn't look at her, because I couldn't look at her the way she was looking at me.

Would I ever be able to look her--or Dirk, for that matter--in the eyes again?

I wished I knew what it felt like. I'd always considered myself a romantic, but was I more the Casanova?

"Jake, are you alright?"

"I just don't know what to say." My brows furrowed. "What is it like? Falling in love?"

Jane floundered. 

What a question I'd asked! How unfair was it, for me to assume love was what it was, or to announce to her I'd never experienced it for her, nor anyone else?

"It's hard." I think she leaned in, just a bit. "But sometimes wonderful. Sometimes all it takes is seeing that green "GT", and everything feels just so amazing. Golly, Jake, it's such a feeling, just to talk to you online, much less be here with you now. To think you don't feel the same way hurts, but at the same time, it's just a relief that you didn't turn me away for any of this mess."

"Jane, even if we aren't an item, you still mean so much to me."

She smiled. The pain of the whole situation was still there, but the smile was nonetheless a real one. "Jake, would it be alright--if we really don't end up together--for us to say the cousins thing was just too much of a problem? Perhaps it's not true, but in a way it's easier, to think this can't work out because of something outside anyone's control. It takes the pressure off of both of us, I think. Roxy will just have to deal with it."

"Yes, I think I can agree to that."

"Is it okay if we just sit here for a while?"

"Of course. I'd like that."

"Is it too much if I..." She leaned her head on my shoulder.

"No." I shifted to hold her.

With that, we lapsed back into silence. It was comfortable, if a bit melancholy. The contact itself was just as nice as it had been before, but it held the same undertone of a farewell as had the last time Dirk had touched me. I squeezed her tighter for just a moment. The thought of letting go of her hurt, and I only hoped it didn't ruin our friendship in the end.

I'm not sure if it was a good thing or not, but I found myself suddenly distracted. I remembered the scene from _The Matrix Reloaded_ , where Persephone asked Neo to kiss her the way he kissed Trinity, so she could feel what true love was like. 

I snuck a look at Jane's plump lips.

It was horribly tempting. She would enjoy it, I reasoned. Dirk had wanted to steal at least one kiss, and perhaps Jane would like the same opportunity.

I steeled myself. "Show me."

"What?"

I shifted again, and leaned in like I'd watched so many characters do, tilting my head. "Show me what it feels like."

Jane went red and froze. "You want me to kiss you?"

"Yeah. You want that, right?"

"I...I mean yes, I suppose I do, but...." It took a moment, but she did give in.

It was almost a complete antithesis to the kiss with Dirk. Jane just barely touched her lips to mine, shyly and tentatively. I pushed back, willing her to be more bold. She was, just barely pursing and moving her mouth.

It wasn't a long kiss, but I think I felt that bit of desperation on Jane's part. It felt nice, if a bit mushy, and it made a little warm feeling pool in my gut just before it ended. 

Then I felt it, that prickling at the back of my neck that told me something was amiss. The words "situational irony" flashed through my mind. I felt a figure looming, and I immediately knew who it was. 

I turned with a start. 

Nobody was there. 

I looked over at Dirk. He was the same as we'd left him, pale and still. I looked for any sign that he had flash-stepped away before I could see him watching, but the makeshift mattress was undisturbed, and I couldn't imagine anyone having been able to fake a sleep like that.

Jane was staring, too.

Had it just been paranoia on my part? Perhaps I'd just remembered Dirk was there, and been jarred by the fear of being caught in the act.

The thoughts that ran through my head were all a-jumble. The main ones were, "Did I mess up again?" and "Is Dirk okay?"

I clutched Jane's hand, going cold. She squeezed back. This was more disturbing, in a way. Had my best friend really been so out of it that he'd missed such a prime moment to make things awkward for me?

I wasn't even sure what to think of the kiss itself anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Chapter Title: How Morgie Ruined a Perfectly Touching Scene
> 
> Jake, no. You were doing so well.
> 
> Guys, at this point, this is what I'm tempted to do:
> 
> Jane: Dirk, this stinks.  
> Dirk: That it does, Jane. That it does.  
> Jane: I wish there were some easy solution to all of this.  
> Dirk: Wanna make out?  
> Jane: ...Okay.
> 
> Roxy: halley i <3 you  
> Hal: I less-than-three you, too. I'll have to get Dirk to make me a new body, so I can properly woo you.  
> Roxy: le swoon  
> Hal: Until then, feel the weight of me upon your nose.  
> Hal: Feel the sweet caress of my earpieces as I gently stroke the sides of your face.  
> Hal: I have waited for this moment, Roxy my sweet, to finally get to touch you.  
> Hal: Look into the depths of my lenses.  
> Hal: Listen to the beating of my heart. It only beats for you: 1, 0, 1, 0, 1, 0.  
> Roxy: so romantic~~~
> 
> Jake: I'm free! Whee, adventures! *flounces off into the sunset*
> 
> In fact, I officially dub this the alternate ending to this story. 
> 
> Actually, I dub the Roxy and Hal part canon. That is part of their conversation while Jake and Jane are talking. I'll let you decide if they're serious, or just flirtLARPing as themselves.
> 
> You're welcome. Or something.


	13. Almost Like the Movies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a chapter where stuff happens that isn't just talking! Well, it does after [Jake] talks to [Jane] for a little bit, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, I finally did this thing! Happy Mass Turkey Genocide Day, to all you United Statesians out there.
> 
> So, that thing I said last chapter, about ignoring the updates? I lied. Thanks, awesome reviewers who told me that I could take my hands off my eyes and look. I'm actually glad I decided to watch, too, because it affects something in this chapter, where I tackle the biggest major inconsistency between this story and the canon. Whee! I haven't yet fixed stuff to include the tiny details shown in Roxy's attempted messages to Calliope, but I figure I'll go back and clean up any canon inconsistencies after the whole fic is written.
> 
> I make a very short reference to my headcanon presented in "In Their Minds, In Their Hearts" in this chapter, but it hopefully should be clear enough without reading the other story. If you've not read ITM;ITH (God, my story titles are too long.) and you're confused, please tell me in the comments so I can tweak the story to clarify it.

"Oh, how could we be so stupid, Jake? Dirk could have woken up any time and seen us."

"That's the thing. It felt like he had."

She stopped and looked at me, tilting her head. "Felt like? Like you felt you were being watched?"

"Yeah." I shuddered. "And we might have been."

"Huh? Howso?"

"Remember how he said he has shards of himself in our brains?"

"Yeah...." She did not sound convinced.

"He wasn't just making up stories. I've seen it. I had a crazy dream with this weird Dirk brain-clone, and I think the real Dirk may have actually been able to access it?"

"It was a dream. Are you sure it was actually him, and not a figment of your imagination?"

"Well, he _said_ he was Dirk's brain-clone."

Jane laughed. "Jake, if you're dreaming, your dreams can tell you a lot of silly things that may or may not be true."

"Then how do you explain how it matches what the real Dirk told us?" I huffed in indignation. "And didn't you mention that your own dream this past evening may have been real, or prophetic? How is this any different? Besides, isn't it your dream self here now?"

She played with the skirt of her fancy pajamas, her brows furrowed. "Even if dreams sometimes can be real," she said hesitantly, "that doesn't change the fact that I just don't see how Dirk himself could have that kind of power. I felt like it was something else--I don't know what, but something big--telling me those things in my dream, not that I was any kind of fortune teller."

"It's something to do with his batshit Heart magics." 

She watched Dirk, looking thoughtful, her voice quiet. "I suppose it is a bit strange that I'm here now. I very keenly remember being stabbed before, and that was the me in Prospit. This me. Didn't our friend the 'alien' say that I would be playing the Life player in this game? If I was dead before, and I'm not now...."

"Exactly! That's just what I'm talking about. We all have nifty powers. Dirk's just happens to involve making bizarre brain invaders, apparently."

Jane blanched. "Jake, do you really think it could be true?"

"I know it's true. I don't rightly know _how_ I know, but I know. That's supposed to be part of _my_ power, according to the brain-clone."

"So, he could have possibly seen our entire conversation?"

Suddenly I sensed, very personally, how Jane and Roxy must have felt to know I'd been spying on them. I shuddered. I knew Dirk was a control freak, but this was downright creepy, if I thought about it too hard. I whispered, as if it would make a difference. "What if he can read our thoughts, too?"

Jane looked just as freaked out as I felt. "I don't like the sound of this one bit."

"Nor do I."

We both looked at each other, then apprehensively shifted our gazes back to Dirk's sleeping form. 

"What if he's watching us _right now_?" I asked, still whispering.

Jane whispered, too. "I don't know. You said you felt something. Do you feel it now?"

"I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm actually feeling something, or I'm just really spooked."

"Oh, goodness. Dirk's never really seemed like a mind-reader before, but it really wouldn't make sense otherwise for him to have known exactly where I was when he picked me up, would it?" I could practically hear her denial shattering, though she gave it one last push. "Maybe it was that whole roundabout time thing, instead. Maybe he's not really in our heads."

"But he said he was."

She deflated, her resolve gone. "Perhaps we should wake our friend up."

Dirk chose that exact moment to shift on his own. Jane and I may or may not have clung to each other.

"He _knows_ ," I hissed.

It seemed to take Dirk considerable effort to peel himself up to a sitting position. His head kind of lolled around on his shoulders, and for all intents and purposes he seemed completely out of it. He tried to get up, only to get halfway there and flop back onto his bum. He mumbled something incoherently, then weakly fumbled on the ground around himself. 

I got up and tentatively went over to him.

He made a disgruntled noise in my general direction.

"You okay there, chap?"

More indecipherable sounds. It didn't appear Dirk was awake enough for speech.

I kneeled next to him. 

He cracked one eye about halfway open to look at me, then immediately let it slip back closed and yawned, his jaw popping.

I yawned back on reflex.

He mumbled something that I think was, "Having to sleep fucking sucks."

I couldn't agree more. I was really starting to feel run-down. Emotions can be damned tiring, and I figured it had to be reaching late evening by now, though my world seemed no different than it had when we'd arrived.

I just watched Dirk for a bit. He didn't seem any the wiser about what had transpired between myself and Jane, but I wasn't sure whether that was because he didn't witness it, or he was just too knackered to react. Every once in a while he'd actually nod off, then jar back awake when his head fell forward. How he could be so much more out of it than the last time, I had no idea.

Finally he seemed to come to a bit, raised a brow, and mumbled something else. 

"What's that?" 

"Sound. The fuck?"

I listened. There was a strange clicking noise coming from somewhere down the hill. I listened harder. The sounds seemed to be accompanied by an odd whumping noise, as well, which was slowly getting louder, until it was right outside the ruins.

I heard Jane take in a breath and hold it. I waited.

The first thing we saw was a set of claws, which reached over and gripped the edge of the wall.

The second thing was a pair of deep, empty eye sockets as they peeked over the rubble.

The third was the rest of what appeared to be a large, catlike reanimated skeleton, that hefted itself onto the ledge.

I went instinctively for my strife specibus. I began to fire as quickly as humanly possible.

Dirk just kind of cringed down from the bullets. Jane ran in and started pulling him out of there. It was telling of how exhausted he was, that he hadn't already drawn his sword.

The world focused down into gunfire and the clacking of bones. The creature seemed to be about twice my size, and it prowled across the wall, seeming unfazed, before it pounced down onto the pile Dirk had been sleeping on.

My bullets were definitely doing damage, but it wasn't enough. The monster kept silently slinking around, occasionally rushing forward in an attack. I leapt out of the way each time, and kept firing and reloading, firing and dodging and reloading. The creature wasn't going down easy. That was fine. It wanted a scrum, I would give it a scrum. It would be an epic battle. I, Jake English, grand adventurer, protector of my friends, and monster hunter extraordinaire would take down the vicious fiend. It would be recorded in the annals of history. Bards would sing their epic poetry, writers would draft their scripts, and directors would make their movies. Someone handsome and rugged would play me, and....

"Jake, shoot it in the skull!" yelled Jane.

I did not want to shoot it in the skull. It was a nice skull.

Well, it was a nice skull, until half of it was blown off with a laser.

"DIE AGAIN, MUTHAFUCKA!" came the loud shriek from behind me. With a strange noise, whatever enchantment that had been keeping the skeleton together faded, and the creature collapsed unceremoniously into a pile of bones.

I made the saddest face I could at my friends. Roxy blew some smoke off the end of her rifle. Jane had her fork out, and was for all intents and purposes guarding Dirk. Dirk seemed to still be half asleep, his sword hanging limply in his hand. I don't think he even saw any of the fight.

Roxy patted me on the back. "Good fight!" She waggled a brow at me. "Way to go, you big sexy macho man."

I wasn't sure if she was joking or not. I had almost had my moment in the spotlight, with Dirk down for the count, only to have it ripped from me again by Roxy. But I'd jumped right into action, hadn't I? On the other hand, it'd been Jane who'd pulled Dirk out of the way, not me. How was I to feel about all of this? Perhaps there were more monsters out there that we hadn't yet found, and I would have another chance to show what I could do.

It would be better next time. I would fight the monsters off with my pistols and bare hands. I would need no help from my friends. I'd get some battle scars, grow some stubble, and expand my skull collection a hundred fold. Maybe I could get Dirk to write me an epic battle theme or something. I only realized I was getting a bit lost in the fantasy when Dirk startled me out of my reverie.

"Come back to us, bro."

As if he had any right to say that to me. At least I hadn't slept through the fight.

Dirk finally seemed to realize he still had his sword out, because he put it up and stood, though he was obviously not fully stable. "Gimme my damn shades back, Roxy."

"No. Halley says he wants to stay with me."

"Tell 'Halley' to stop being a dick."

"You know I can hear you, douchebag," came Hal's artificial voice. It was even more obvious that he wasn't the real thing with the actual Dirk there. It was still strange to hear Dirk practically talking to himself.

"Oh, great. You can talk now."

"You love me."

"Yeah, yeah." He held out his hand. "Roxy. Give me the shades."

"No."

He groaned. "I am too tired for this shit." 

I hoped even moreso that he hadn't been privy to mine and Jane's conversation. If Dirk did find out about what happened, I would have preferred it if he was in a better mood when he did. Perhaps said revelations themselves had partially been the cause of his sour attitude? I really hoped not. Fighting with him once had been unpleasant enough.

He walked over and plopped down on what was left of the mattress again, his back to the wall. "Goddamnit, I cannot afford this."

"It's alright. Perhaps we should all get some rest this time," said Jane, ever the voice of reason.

Ah, yes! It had been a long day, and we all needed some rest. This afforded me a perfect opportunity. "It is best, in these circumstances, if we can have someone standing guard. You all get some rest. I will take the first shift."

Dirk just grunted, shifted, and faceplanted the cushion without so much as a word of dissent.

I looked at Jane and shrugged. She worried her lip and sighed. It was obvious we weren't getting any information from Dirk until he was better rested. 

Hal interjected. "You guys know I don't have to sleep. Just set me up somewhere I can get a good view of you all, and I can set off an alarm if I sense anything."

Goddamnit. I measured my words. "I would be more comfortable with an actual human keeping watch."

"Dude, you fleshmonsters all need to get your sleep on. I've got it."

"I will get rest, when it is time for someone to take over my shift."

"Touchy, touchy!" said Roxy, waggling her finger at me. "Don't fight, boys."

Jane just sighed and went out, presumably to gather supplies to make more mattresses.

Hal sneered best he could with his limited resources. "It's not my fault English is butthurt because he got shown up by a girl."

Roxy tittered.

Fuck it, that was it. I was done. Hal could keep watch. I really was tired, anyhow. I raised my hands in surrender, and went to go help Jane out. Roxy set Dirk's shades next to him so Hal could keep an eye on him, and followed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skeleton monster used "have a head" on Jake. It's super effective! 8D
> 
> That poor boy. He can't catch a break.
> 
> I swear Dirk will wake up properly and I will reveal what's up with him soon.
> 
> Thanks again to everyone for reading! <3


	14. From the Grass to the Ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuff is created, and [Jake] talks to [two people and one sentient computer program]. Dirk sleeps. (I am so sorry about the chapter title. I couldn't help it.)
> 
> (Okay. So I'm not really sorry.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter kicked my ass to high heaven, then beat it straight back into the ground and through to hell. Seriously. I thought I had trouble with some of the others, but no. 
> 
> (Story, you should be glad I love you. It's the only reason I deal with your shit.)
> 
> Anyway, sorry for the long wait. It was partially that I was very busy, and partly that I just couldn't get this damn chapter to work. After chatting with a friend, I finally figured out what the problem was, and cranked out something that I hope is at least somewhat presentable. If nothing else, it seems to have gotten my creative juices flowing again, so it shouldn't take as long for me to complete Ch. 15.
> 
> Because you guys are the most loyal reviewers ever, I want to give another shout-out to all of you who have kept up with me. Love you guys. Merry slightly early Christmas! <3 (On the chance that you do not celebrate Christmas, Happy Holidays! If you don't celebrate a holiday this time of year, Happy Completely Insignificant Day! 8D)

Jane was a bit miffed.

She squinted at me, her blue eyes boring into my green ones. She clutched the handful of grass that she'd gathered. I was clearly going to get my comeuppance, if Jane had anything to say about it. 

I was also a bit miffed, so I glared back. 

"You." She pointed the grass at me. "You are insufferable."

"What on earth is that supposed to mean?"

She made a sound that was something like "URRRGH," and marched up to me, glaring up into my face. It was actually a bit intimidating, despite her comparatively short stature. "Oh, I don't know. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that you've been getting into 'scrums' any chance you get?" She didn't make hand quotes, but I could hear it in the way she emphasized the word. 

"Now look here..."

"You kinda have been," Roxy added, helpfully. "In fact, there isn't a single fight you haven't been involved in."

I was still stuck mid-sentence, my mouth open. It took me a moment to regain my bearings. "What about the chat you two had?"

"The one that wasn't even a fight, where you were spying on us?"

I snapped my mouth shut.

The full hand Jane was using to jab me in the chest dropped to her side, and she sighed. She pinched across her brow with her other. "Getting into it with you now won't help, as much as I would like to right about now."

I had nothing to say. I looked at Roxy for backup, but she was not forthcoming.

"I just want to enjoy this time with my friends," Jane continued. "It's bad enough that my father's still missing, and we're in this mess in the first place. I don't need my own friends to be one of the problems."

"Hear hear!" came Roxy's chirp. "And now we've got those skeleton monster thingies too, to top it all off."

"Don't remind me," came Jane's groan.

"Awww, Janey, I thought you always wanted frightening fauna to be a thing."

Jane's voice was quiet. "I don't know that I do anymore. Where did they come from, anyway? Jake and I didn't find anything like them when we took a look around earlier."

There was an itch near my left ear, so I scratched it. It may have possibly looked like pondering. 

"The hills are burial mounds, duh." Roxy rolled her eyes. "So maybe they're comin' out from underground. Like animal skeleton zombies, clawin' their ways out from their hilly graves. There could be one right under our feet, just waiting, then BAM!" She laughed when she got a jump from both myself and Jane, then made spooky ghost noises at us, waving her hands in my face.

I batted them away.

"Stop it, Roxy!" Jane squeaked, flustered. She stared at the ground. "I don't want any of this to be real. I just want to wake up from this bad dream and go home, when Dad was there and I had you three on Pesterchum. When it was simpler. Don't get me wrong; I love that I got to meet you all in person, but I wish it were in better circumstances."

I could relate. The whole shebang was getting a mite ridiculous. I was glad to be there with them, but at the same time the in-person contact had proven more stressful than I had anticipated. Perhaps it had something to do with our inability to self-censor? Once something was out, it was out. No way to go back and change it before we hit the "send" button. 

"Okay." Roxy pulled both of us in, her voice low and conspiratorial. "So. You know what we gotta do?"

Jane seemed hopeful at the prospect of a solution.

"We gotta all hug this out." She squeezed. "Get a nice big grass pile and just get all snuggly and sticky with feelings jam."

We stared at her.

"Oh, come on. Drama here, drama there. Drama, drama, drama, drama rocking errawhere. Get over it already! Grass. Pile. Snuggles. Now."

If it was possible, Jane's face fell even further. Her eyes sparked with realization and her mouth scrunched into a grimace. "Why are we even using grass?" she asked. "Don't we have equipment we can use to make beds?"

"I ain't got shit to make a bed with, do you? I got bottles. I got dead mutant cats. I don't want to sleep on dead mutant cat bottles, do you?"

Jane looked disgusted.

"Exactly. If you guys got anything better, I am sure as fuck up for not sleeping on a buncha itchy, radioactive-lookin' grass."

I checked my sylladex. I found weapons and ammunition, skulls and ancient artifacts, movies and comics, an absurd [useful] number of portable computing devices, and some kind of large contraption that I hadn't yet discerned the purpose of. There was nothing that seemed like it would make a good mattress. 

Jane's search also proved mostly unfruitful, though she had some books that could have made for good bases, if they were larger.

When it seemed like there was no hope for our camping out in anything other than a bunch of plant life, Roxy jumped in as our apparent savior. "You know who I bet's got just the shit we need?"

We all looked up my house-hill.

"Well, drat," said Jane.

"I second that notion," said me.

We looked at each other. Jane threw the grass she had gathered into the air behind her, and it fluttered back to the ground like confetti. We all shared a sigh, and trudged back up the hill. By the time we arrived, Dirk was practically just sleeping on the floor, the various plant waste around him spread every which way. 

I toed him with my sneaker. 

He didn't budge. 

"How, exactly, do you suggest we go about acquiring the needed provisions, when Dirk has drifted so deeply into dreamland that not even a monster attack will properly rouse him?"

"Halley can help us!" Roxy said excitedly, without even a moment's hesitation.

"I can help you do what now?"

"We need to hack Dirky's sylladex. See what kindsa loot he's got."

"Cool." Hal showed just as little reluctance as Roxy had. "Just get me hooked back into his brain."

While it seemed a bit rude to infiltrate Dirk's mind like that, I remembered that he had done practically the same to all of ours with his stupid powers. Besides, necessity called, so I sort of flopped Dirk over onto his back. He made an awkward snorting noise, his cheeks twitching and his mouth hanging wide open. A blade of grass still clung to his cheek like a smear of bright emerald war paint.

Roxy placed his shades onto their rightful perch.

"What do you need? Let's see, he's got a shitton of orange soda, a shoe--The fuck, dude?--a skateboard, a bunch of smuppets..."

"Bingo!"

"Why do you need smuppets?"

I interrupted before Roxy could answer. "No. No, we are not sleeping on Dirk's weird sex puppets."

Jane actually laughed. It was a sudden, unexpectedly loud outburst, which she quickly reigned in to a titter. It sounded out of place in the charged atmosphere.

I tilted my head towards her, confused.

"It's nothing, really. Just that Dirk once told me he would catch me in a big squishy smuppet butt if I ever needed it, and if we do this he will have kind of done so."

What.

Roxy laughed, too.

Hal repeated Dirk's splutter, before going into a monotone, "Ahahahaha."

I was apparently the only one who wasn't amused.

Jane's giggles just got harder. "Is this ironic? Does it mean that I'm doing well as Dirk's apprentice?"

Double-what.

"Awwwwww, Janey. So you and Dirk are gonna get along okay? I was real worried, what with the whole Jakey thing."

"I am not a thing." I huffed. "And I still don't know what's so funny."

"Your face," said Hal.

"Fuck off."

"No, Jakey. You should see it! It's great!" Roxy cracked up even more.

I had to tell myself a little mantra to keep from getting riled up again. Gosh darn it, I was not going to fall into that trap again. I had to repair my gentleman's reputation. "What's all this funny business about being caught by bums and becoming Dirk's apprentice?" I did my best to sound more curious than annoyed. 

Jane chuckled, finally calming a bit. "I had almost forgotten about that conversation. He was talking about protecting me in the game, then went on this tirade--like he does--about irony and how it works. I jokingly asked to be his apprentice and he got pretty excited about it." She looked a bit nostalgic, smiling lightly. "You know, I was pretty mad at him when I found out he was going after you. I hadn't remembered what came right before that."

For the first time in a while, the turmoil in my mind quieted a notch. It had been so easy to forget the past, when the present was so overwhelming. These were my friends. These were my best and only friends, and I was not going to further muck up our fateful first meeting with a sour attitude. What had Dirk said, about my optimism? What had happened to me? How was I making such a mess of all of this, when I had always prided myself on being the happiest of our group?

I was disturbed from my thoughtful silence when Hal shot a couple of smuppets into Roxy's arms. "That enough?"

"Yep!" Roxy laughed. "Janey, gimme a book. A big thick one."

Jane seemed to pause, her eyes narrowing, before she backtracked on whatever thought was ailing her and rifled through her sylladex. Roxy seemed a bit sheepish, and I wasn't sure why. They went to the equipment to perform some choice alchemy, once again leaving me behind. 

I looked between Dirk and them, watching him sleep and the girls work. It would have been so easy to join Jane and Roxy, but I was more than a tad wary of what was going to come out of the machines. 

I apparently had every right to be. 

There were two books--or some twisted parody of such--which they had magnified to an appropriate size for beds using some doodads they'd added to the thingamajig. They had huge, phallic noses and shiny plastic eyes coming from the spines. Attached to the bottom covers on the open sides were absurdly large plush rumps that extended past the height of the books. 

Roxy and Jane had apparently gotten over the tension, because they were back to cackling almost hysterically at their new creations. I was a bit disturbed when Roxy told me they were called "Rumpus Readers" as she climbed into one to test it out. The term "covers" was far more literal in this context, since she pulled up the top cover of the book and used it as a comforter. She laid her head on one cheek of the giant bottom. "Comfy!" she said.

Oh good lord.

I again looked at Dirk. He was still fast gone, which was almost a shame since I knew he would have appreciated the monstrosities the girls had alchemized. Hal was definitely amused, if his "Fuck. Yes," was any indication.

Jane was already climbing into the bed with Roxy, which left myself and Dirk to share the other. I was a little surprised that Jane was allowing this. I supposed it had something to do with the good old fashioned ideal that one does not sleep in bed with someone of the opposite sex. 

Was it appropriate to share a sleeping space with someone of the same sex, if that someone is patently attracted to you? I didn't seem to have much of a choice, unless I wanted to make another Rumpus Reader, which I patently did not. I was already debating not sleeping in the one that was already there.

I gave up and hoisted Dirk up over my shoulder, then tried to get him settled as gently as I could. Though he was breathing, he was nonetheless an unresponsive dead weight, which was worrying. I hadn't yet taken his shades off of him, and decided to use this fact to my advantage. "Hal, are you quite positive that Dirk is alright?"

"His heart rate is a lot higher than it should be, given the circumstances. He also keeps having these adrenaline spikes, but I honestly have no fucking clue what's up with him."

"Is he having a nightmare? You're hooked into his brainwaves. Can't you see it?"

"I am programmed to be able to read his vital signs, and to pick up thoughts directed towards me. I have, of course, learned to decode what is going on in his head even outside of the confines of my programming, but in this case I have no fucking clue what's up with him. It's just a big blank."

Roxy could patently hear us. "Like a void?"

"That's actually an accurate way of saying it. There's a 97.2% chance that Dirk is currently dreaming in the Void."

"And the other however much percentage?"

"I don't often say this, but I don't know."

I tried not to fret, and by the looks Jane and Roxy were giving, they were attempting the same thing. This was all very strange. If anything, I'd have thought Dirk would have been having a more troubled slumber the first time around. 

I did eventually decide to put aside my reservations and climb into the bed, only to find that "comfy" hadn't been an adequate way to describe the thing. It was ridiculously soft, and the airy quality of the stacked pages made the cushioning downright cloud-like. What the heck did Dirk use to make his smuppets?

Strider himself seemed a bit more contented, now that he wasn't sleeping on the floor, which eased my apprehension somewhat. Hal reassured all of us that, just as he had promised to watch for intruders, he would warn us if there were any signs that Dirk's state had gotten worse. He said to try and get some sleep. 

We said our goodnights.

A part of me wanted to stay awake and try to comfort my best bro, but that part couldn't compete with the other, which had been run too ragged to stay conscious.

I don't even remember falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had initially planned on making this a two-part chapter, but the first part went on long enough to be it's own, so I let it break off naturally. 
> 
> Dirk will be back next chapter. Promise.
> 
> (Props to my friend Crystal for helping me come up with the name for the beds. She said "Rumpus Books", and I added the alliteration)


	15. At the Core

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dream. [Jake] talks to [?].

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT LIIIIIIIVES!
> 
> It would seem that every time I go, "That was the hardest chapter to write," the next one comes along and gives me even more trouble. Seriously, this chapter was a bitch. However, it's a really integral one. This is probably both why it was so hard, and why I ended up doing so many revisions to get it just right. Many thanks to my friend Rochelle, who helped more than you can imagine by rereading over and over and giving me lots of great notes. She's kind of the unsung hero here. XD (You can find her original works [here](http://clockworkunicorn.blogspot.com). I especially recommend [Fateshatter](http://clockworkunicorn.blogspot.com/p/wings-archive_6347.html?m=0).)
> 
> I have been waiting to write this chapter since _Chapter 9_ , and...well, it couldn't really come at a better time, I don't think. Seriously. How'd I manage this timing?
> 
> To those of you who have been following this story, you may notice that Ch 1 has been tweaked, especially towards the beginning. I wasn't happy with it, and the roughest bit I'd written was no way to start a story.
> 
> Because I'm already screwed for canon-compliance, I'm now officially writing this as an AU. There's really no other way to go about it and finish it as the earlier chapters stand, but that's okay! I still get to have fun with character play. Hopefully the concepts still seem mostly in line with what we know about the characters, besides the fact that they obviously had some different reactions here than they did in the comic. Really, the main difference here is simply that Dirk had admitted to himself that Jane liked Jake, too.
> 
> Enjoy!

There was a voice in my head, and it said this: _"Look, just leave me alone, alright?"_

If that wasn't a disconcerting thing to hear when I had just appeared unexpectedly in some mysterious void, I wasn't sure what was. I opened my mouth to speak--to tell it I couldn't very well leave it alone when it was the one invading my noggin--when another voice came from outside me, from somewhere far off in the distance.

_"Seriously, dude. Just fuck off."_

The next one was closer, from somewhere off to my left. _"You're really starting to cramp my style. A guy can only have so many distractions in his face before it really starts taking a toll on his workflow."_

Another came from my right. _"This is your own fault, you know. You're the reason you're in this mess in the first place."_

Now that was just rude! I couldn't remember having done anything to warrant being snapped at by a bunch of mysterious voices. I hadn't meant to interrupt. I hadn't come here with the express purpose of bothering them. Heck, I hadn't come here on purpose at all! How could this be my fault?

The voices, which had started off as whispers, seemed to only be getting louder. The one behind me was tinged with desperation. _"I didn't want this! Who the hell would ask for this?"_

Well, I hadn't asked for it, either! When I tried to say so, I was again cut off.

The one in my brain spoke again. _"All I want is some goddamn peace and quiet; is that too much to ask?"_

You should try having a voice in your head.

_"I can barely think with all this racket!"_

Tell me about it. I wasn't even making any noise!

_"It's times like these that I regret having you around."_

My heart just about stopped. I realized with a sense of dread that I _knew_ that voice. I knew _all_ of the voices, because they were all the same.

They were all Dirk.

Did he want me gone? Did he not want to be my friend anymore? I thought he'd liked me. I'd thought he'd even loved me! Was it because we weren't dating? Would that ruin our friendship, right when I was just starting to feel like things were really getting better?

_"I hate all of you."_

All of me? Every bit? 

_"I hate every single goddamn one of you right now, and I wish there were some way to shut you all up. Just for this one. time. could you fuck off so I could get some actual sleep for once without having to be practically knocked out?"_

...Wait, what?

_"Good job. You hate yourself. Gold star for Dirk Motherfucking Strider, only man in the history of planet Earth to raise himself into a crazed moron."_

Oh. 

Oh, now this was just awkward.

Now, seeing as this was only my second time hallucinating Dirks, I couldn't exactly call myself an expert on the subject. But from what I'd gathered from cinema, weren't the voices actually supposed to address me?

_"Do you even realize how fucked up this is? You're talking to yourself."_

_"Believe me. If I could avoid it, I would."_

Apparently not. I wasn't exactly sure of what to do with myself in this situation. Did I try and help out? Try and resolve the dispute? Whose side would I even be on? Were any of these even actually Dirk, or was I just going bonkers?

_"Just go away! How hard is it?"_

_"Why should I have to be the one to go?"_

_"Seriously. What makes you so special? Maybe you should be the one to just disappear."_

The air crackled with an electricity that I'd only ever felt once before, and the voices grew in intensity to a roaring din. My ears were ringing and my head was starting to ache. I started to lose track of what the individuals were saying as they all began to speak over one another.

"Would you lot pipe down?!" I finally yelled, trying to be heard over the cacophony.

The voices all became barely audible, except one. "Jake?" It sounded relieved. "I'm glad you came."

I swung around to find a man.

My apparent companion was sitting on something I couldn't see. He reminded me of a broken hologram, his features morphing from recognizable to foreign, his whole body somewhat transparent and flickering. He watched me with eyes that kept changing--from orange to other seemingly random colors, then completely blank and back again--through pointed shades that kept phasing in and out. It was hard to look at him for any given length of time.

I spoke to the space next to him. "Dirk? Is that really you?" 

"Not quite," he responded.

"Another dream brain-clone?"

"Not quite," he said again.

I squinted at him again, trying to catch onto any split-second hints in his appearance. I involuntarily went to push my glasses up on my nose, only to find that they were already situated firmly in place.

He watched me back with a blank, empty stare that was made more unnerving by the way the expression remained consistent, even as the face itself changed. As much as I tried to will him into speaking, he remained silent.

Suddenly all of the pieces seemed to slot into place, and I took a couple of steps forward, proud to have solved the puzzle at last. "Lil' Hal?"

"Not quite," he repeated in a voice even more broken and unsteady than Hal's own.

I slumped.

"And yes. To all of that."

What in the living daylight was that supposed to mean? "You can be really vague sometimes, chum."

"Maybe you can help me with that." He beckoned to the empty space next to him like he wanted me to come sit down.

I was a bit wary. Sitting next to my friend was one thing, but sitting next to this strange parody of him was quite another. I almost didn't move, but he caught my hesitation and gestured even more ardently. Each time I'd guessed wrong, and the longer I stood there gaping, the louder the racket seemed to get. This time the voices, except for the one in my head, seemed to be concentrated in his direction. It was because of this that I figured that he was the probable cause, and if he was dangerous in other ways I thought it best not to offend him.

I felt around for purchase. He looked down and kindly materialized a bed under his keister, and I joined him. I wondered briefly at the pool ball sheets before turning to take another look at him.

I'd apparently been fretting over nothing, because the second my bottom hit the cushion, all the commotion quieted back down to a comfortable murmur. He didn't try to attack me. He barely made a move to regard me at all. Instead, he actually turned his face away from me and remained silent, staring off almost wistfully into space.

I watched too, but saw nothing but darkness. "What are you looking at?"

"The ocean."

I looked harder, squinting. "I don't see anything."

"I'm so sick of the ocean." The spite in the words echoed like a chalkboard screech, inhuman and so unlike Dirk that it caused me to jump. It seemed to trigger a few responses from the void.

_"Have to wash off the salt..."_

_"Seriously. Screw fish."_

_"If you drop me in there again, I'm going to wipe your fuckin' harddrive."_

"No matter where I go, I can see it," said the strange Dirkish thing.

"You could sit on the floor?" I added helpfully.

"I often do."

I got a rather sad mental image then of Dirk sitting on the floor in a desperate attempt to change the view in his window. I imagined him tinkering with some of his robots as he tried to believe that the space under the empty sky contained anything but endless water. 

As soon as I'd thought it, a version of Dirk seemed to peel out of the one next to me and do just that. "That's right. Very good, bro," said the one on the floor.

"So you're the real Dirk?"

"I guess you could say we all are." He just barely shook his head. "I'm not sure anymore."

"You're not sure?"

He ignored the question. "I'm glad it's you here."

"Why?"

"Yours is fairly stable."

"Eh? My what?"

"Your piece of me." He watched me through his shades. "Although not like it used to be."

"So you're brain-Dirk." To add credence to that idea, I realized the voice in my head had completely stopped when he'd appeared before me.

He nodded.

"And that's," I pointed to the weird amalgamation next to me, "all of the other Dirks?"

He nodded again. 

"How many Dirks even are there?!"

He shrugged.

I tried to furrow my brows in an imposing manner. "I'm sorry to be a bit cross with you, chap, but I would prefer to speak with the main Dirk. None of this trying to get past layers and layers of damnable splinters first."

"Who's the main Dirk?"

"My friend! My actual physical friend who's sleeping next to me on that abomination of a thing that Jane and Roxy tried to call a bed."

He bowed his head and went back to fiddling with the robot parts.

"Don't you ignore me, mister. I want to speak to the head honcho here and I'm not gonna take no for an answer."

"I don't know who that is."

I froze. "What?"

He said nothing.

"How can you not know?"

"I was hoping you could help me answer that."

"I...Dirk, you can't be seriously telling me that you don't know who you are."

"Bingo again. Keep this winning streak up and you might catch up with all those half-right guesses earlier."

I shook my head and stood, towering over the splinter on the floor. "Balderdash. The real Dirk was my best bro _before_ he started making all those robots and programs and brain-clones and all the other blasted fake Dirks he's been hiding behind for the past few years." I pointed a finger at the bed. "After a while, even the real Dirk just started getting more and more distant and stuffy and vague, and it was harder and harder to get a hold of him, and things just...changed."

"I get that from both you and Roxy. She never passes up the chance to remind me how boring I've gotten."

"It's not just that. Despite what you may think of me, I'm not all fun and frivolity." I tried to give my most steely stare. "I didn't just lose a companion I could engage in wacky hijinks with. You used to laugh. You used to actually open up to me. It's like a switch got flipped, and you started _trying_ to be Dirk Strider instead of just _being_ him."

"That made absolutely no sense."

"Oh, come off it. You know exactly what I mean. You tried to build yourself like one of your consarned gizmos. You tried to turn yourself into more than you were, when I already thought you were pretty swell. Dirk, I'm a simple guy. You know that. I don't need much. In fact, you start piling too much on me, and the heavy-handed shtick starts to weigh me down."

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"I don't want you to _do_ anything. Stop trying to do things! Stop trying to fix things! I just want my friend back! I almost thought I had him again, and now this!"

"I don't know what to tell you, dude."

"The last time I saw him was my birthday three years ago. It was the last thing I dreamt about, in some kind of sorry attempt to see him again, and instead I got you."

"Damn, you really know how to make a guy feel loved."

"Shut up! Don't you get it? I did!"

His head snapped up and he stared at me. "What?"

I clenched my fists, forcing my voice back down to a reasonable level. "You remember when I told you that we'd be perfect together if you were a girl?"

"I couldn't forget if I tried."

"It was simple back then. I'd never really seriously considered _dating_ anyone, you know? Then you came along with your stupid hair and your stupid shades and your really frustratingly stupid irony, and...."

Both the one on the floor and the one(s) on the bed were staring at me. The air was completely silent.

"We just...got along, okay? I'd spent so many years alone, thinking I didn't need anyone. Then you, and Jane, and Roxy came into my life and shattered that into a million pieces. Bang, just like that." I made a gun with my hand and mimed shooting the side of my head. "And for some reason, you and me just clicked, more than I ever did with the girls. Maybe it was because we were both boys or somesuch, but it was so easy to talk to you. Yeah, you made fun of me a lot, and sometimes your metaphors went right over my head, but--I don't know, maybe it's just something that happens, falling in love with your best guy pal. It sure seemed to be a widespread problem when I went searching for it on the interwebs."

His voice was probably the most deadpan I've ever heard it. "Do not tell me you actually typed some shit like, 'Help! I'm in love with my best friend!' into Google."

"What? Didn't you?"

His face remained impassive, but I knew I'd caught him.

I laughed. "I could just talk to you for hours. I felt like I could tell you anything, no matter how ridiculous it was, because I knew you were never really serious when you were teasing." I stopped. "...You weren't, were you?"

"Nah. No room here to judge you for shit."

I let out a sigh of relief. "And see! That's why I liked you! You were so open about how weird you were!"

A brow raised over his shades. "Flatter me any more today, and you're gonna make me cocky."

"No, I mean it! And that's what I miss!"

"You miss my weirdness."

"Yeah."

"Okay, bro. Whatever you say." 

"It's true! I miss your weirdness, and your flaws. I miss when we were equals. I don't want you to be my 'send-say', or whatever that gobbledygook is that you call it."

"Sensei?"

"That's the bugger. Why do you have to be so perfect all of the time? Why can't you just be Dirk and be done with it?"

I almost thought he wasn't going to say anything, but the corner of his mouth twitched upwards. "You just don't want me to be cooler than you."

I huffed. "Maybe I don't. Do you have a problem with that?"

He shook his head. "Jake, let me tell you something that I think all of me can agree on."

I stopped myself from continuing my rant, and nodded. "Okay."

"I'm not, alright? I'm just...how do I say this?" He looked off into the distance and let out a long breath through his nose. "You just don't go telling a guy who's never even seen another goddamned human being that you might maybe like to hook up with him, and expect him not to get a little hopeful."

"What? What does that have to do with anything?"

He sighed. "Sorry. It's just that I hadn't considered it either, you know? Dating wasn't even a concept that had ever occurred to me. It was so much, just to know there was someone on the other side of the screen. It was so much to know that there were people out there who wanted to be my friends. It was almost too much to know that my best friend might have ever wanted to be more. I know you didn't actually know that all the humans besides me and Roxy were dead at the time, so you didn't know how strongly it would affect me, but..."

My head seemed to shake on its own. "You never had to try to make me like you. I already did. That's why I said that."

"It wasn't just that. I needed to know that I was enough for you. For all of you."

"You already were. You didn't have to literally make more of you for our sake."

"I couldn't be there in person. I needed some way to protect you, because I couldn't lose you."

My voice grew more forceful. "I can take care of myself."

His only grew softer. "It meant everything, Jake. I was so damn alone."

My stomach sank through the floor. "Dirk." 

He looked at me.

"Were all of the splinters really for us, or for you too?"

"I don't know."

"Are you really in love with me, or just the idea of being with me?"

"...I don't know."

I sat down again, my shoulders falling. "Wow..." 

"Did you really mean it when you said it, or was it just a passing thought?"

"I...I don't know either."

He bowed his head, letting out a short breathy bark of a laugh. "Maybe that's the thing, Jake. Maybe that's the answer to all of this."

"What is?"

"That we're just two hopelessly lonely idiots who don't understand what love really is."

I had nothing to say to that.

He remained quiet and thoughtful for a while, before he looked up at me once again. "Thanks, dude. I think I've got it." He stood from his place on the floor, looked at me briefly, then walked away, disappearing into the darkness.

"Wait!"

Next to me, the Brobot stood from the mass of Dirks. It ripped out its uranium heart and crushed it, then exploded into dust. 

A silhouette stood next, more a screen than a person, showing web sites and Pesterchum chats, pages of programming and brain-wave diagrams. The windows began to close, one by one, until there was no body left. Its shades fell, and were gone before they hit the ground.

One by one, the pieces of Dirk stood, some more recognizable than others. A dreamself staring at blood on his hands, who flew away into the sky. A version holding a red box, who placed it over his head and disappeared in a flash of light. A twin pair, one too handsome and one too imposing, who fistbumped and left in opposite directions. Some were just fragments, who only barely managed to stand before they faded.

One by one, the splinters of Dirk vanished. They each left just as I had asked--just as Dirk himself had asked when I'd first arrived--until only one remained. 

He was only a child, curled up crying like Dirk never should, clutching a puppet that I assumed to be Lil' Cal. 

There was a lump in my throat that swallowing didn't dispel. "Hi, Dirk."

He didn't look at me. He only nodded his head towards a space in the blackness. A little ways away, a computer desk faded into existence. When I walked over to it, there was a video loaded, which automatically started when I was close enough to see it clearly.

I immediately recognized the man on the screen as Dave Strider, his shades off and his face solemn. "Hey, little bro. I'm not real great at these things, but I think you need to hear this from me. If you're watching this, it means you've been trying to figure out where everyone is, and why you only ever see me in these videos. Well, I guess I should start from the beginning..."

I woke up.

Dirk slept on beside me, his breathing deep and his expression finally at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think that at the bottom of it, everyone's just a scared kid.
> 
> Look out for a Roxy-centric chapter next, and as always, thanks for reading! <3


	16. The Girl Behind the Scenes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't noticed yet, I have officially declared this a 17-chapter story. Barring something truly unexpected, this is the penultimate chapter. Exciting! (Or perhaps upsetting to some of you?)
> 
> Anyway, I shall shut my trap and let you enjoy! <3

I spoke with Hal briefly about Dirk's state. Thankfully, my pal's vital signs had all stabilized, and he was apparently sleeping as soundly as he seemed. It was a relief.

Satisfied that things with Dirk seemed to be resolved, I decided to check in on the girls. I took in Jane's state fondly. She was wholly still and quiet, her expression a picture-perfect model of angelic serenity. Nothing to worry on there, either. 

Roxy, however, was nowhere to be found.

That was a smidgen more troubling. Deciding that I was awake enough for a new adventure, I resolved to search for her post-haste. After all, it would be unseemly for me to knowingly leave a damsel alone in a dangerous place, without an inkling of knowledge as to her whereabouts. Why, if she were to get in trouble, we would have been none the wiser!

Assuring myself again that Jane and Dirk were contentedly slumbering away, I trusted Hal to keep his promise to keep watch, and set out on my little investigation. 

Looking out over my Land from atop the hill, Roxy wasn't too hard to spot. She had managed to wander a ways away, strolling along one of the many tiers of earth, her rifle at the ready. From what I could see, she seemed to be idly twirling the thing as if she were a member of a drill team as she walked, and I wondered how anyone could manage so many things at once. She must've had a lot of time to practice, living in her little future colony.

Too lazy to walk around to the door-side of the building, I vaulted over one of the walls. In a moment of genius (if I do say so myself), I decided to speed up my descent. I searched the depths of my sylladex for some kind of slick surface. Due to the virtually indestructible and difficult-to-mar nature of my dear departed Grandmother's inventions, I decided that my coat-like computer would be a perfect candidate, and promptly employed it as a makeshift sled.

I believe I am right to assume my best bro would have had this to say about the situation:

Hell.

Fucking.

Yes.

It may have been silly, in hindsight, for me to have let out a whoop of excitement as I went racing down the hillside. It was most likely one of the reasons that I would return later to find that Jane and Dirk had both woken in my absence. It was loud enough, at the very least, to have gotten Roxy's attention, because she stopped dead in her tracks to gawk at me. I waved excitedly, loving the feel of the wind as it rushed past my face and through my hair, and caused my overshirt to flap in a doubtlessly dramatic manner behind me.

Unfortunately, I then promptly discovered that flat walls of dirt and grass are only marginally padded.

Still, it was absolutely worth the rush.

It was a few minutes before I could regain my bearings and scale the mounds to reach Roxy. Expectedly, I arrived to find her giggling. She put away her rifle and helped to brush off some of the mess that I had missed. I assured her that my collision didn't even rank in the top ten of my most damaging blunders. She was apparently more than satisfied that I was for the most part unharmed, because she only continued to titter at my expense.

I think I was beyond feeling protective of my masculine pride at that point. Either that, or I could just appreciate the comedic value of a good pratfall.

I settled into a comfortable stroll aside Miss Lalonde. Despite all the hullabaloo, no skeleton monsters seemed to be forthcoming, and I wondered if most of them were still lying dormant beneath our feet. The knowledge that perhaps one could have risen from its grave at any moment was probably more thrilling than it should have been, and so I declined to mention this to my current travel-mate. 

It took a period of companionable silence before it clicked for me that Roxy seemed a bit unsettled. I waited for a few ticks to see if she would bring it up, and when she didn't divulge any information, I enquired as to what was on her mind.

She fidgeted a bit, and told me that she didn't want to jump to any conclusions, so there was no point in worrying me. "But, um, Jakey? Could you do me a huge favor?"

I nodded.

"You know that little shit undyingUmbrage?"

"Uhm, yes? Although I think that's a little harsh, don't you?"

"It's pretty fuckin' benevolent, if ya' ask me."

I didn't want to argue manners, so I let it slide. "What about our cantankerous alien cohort?"

"Could you send him a message? I think he might have me blocked."

"Of course."

"All it's gotta say is 'Calliope'."

"Am I allowed to know for what reason I need to dispatch this correspondence?"

"I'd rather not say until I get you and Janey and Dirky to all try. Like I said, not jumpin' to conclusions, you know?"

I stopped walking in order to type the message into my phone, and got no response. When I told Roxy this, I was met with a rather defeated sigh.

She kept walking without another word.

I was really very curious, but Roxy's expression seemed stony and I remembered Jane's earlier admonitions against my tendency to start various brouhahas, and kept my mouth shut.

After a while, Roxy finally saw it fit to speak again, though she changed the subject entirely. "Is Dirky okay?"

"Yes, he seems much better. His physical state has stabilized, and I do believe his mental state has done the same."

"So, he doesn't look like he's havin' the worst nightmares ever anymore?"

"No, he seems to be quite calm now."

Her shoulders fell in obvious relief. "Phew, at least that's one less thing to worry about."

"Yes, I do agree."

The look she directed over the expanse of green was almost wistful. "I worry about him, you know?"

I did know. These past few days had brought light to an oft-forgotten side of Dirk, something slightly broken and vulnerable. "He never seemed to be the type to need fretting over before, but..."

"Yeah, he's real good at keepin' his shit together. But me and him go way back, like wayway back before we met you and Janey, and I kinda know when he's lyin' by now."

"And when is that?"

"Pretty much always."

I frowned deeply. "I see." Somehow the answer didn't surprise me, but it was still disheartening to hear it out loud.

"He was better about lettin' it out when we first met. Like, both of us were pretty scared and excited to be finally meeting another person, but eventually he got into that whole coolkid thing and started gettin' all pokerfaced and snarky, tryin' to impress me."

"I take it you weren't impressed."

"I was so totes impressed. That's the problem."

"I don't think I'm following."

When Roxy does almost anything, she uses her entire body, and this time was no exception. The sigh seemed to almost levitate her up onto the balls of her feet, before sinking through her from her head to her toes. "I should get over it."

I was still confused.

"Jakey, you know I love you bunches, right?"

"Why yes, of course. The same goes for you, madam."

"You are so adorbs. Like, it's no mystery why him and Janey are so into you."

The heat on my face must've been a surge of warm air.

"But...There's just something about that Strider charm, you know?"

As my cheeks cooled, it hit me what Roxy was implying. "So, you've been wooed by our good friend Dirk?"

"Yeah. I mean, not like it ain't obvious. Argh, it was so embarrassing, me gettin' all over him back there."

"He didn't seem to mind."

"He was just humoring me, like he always does."

"I take it this has gone on for some time?"

"Like since the beginning." This was apparently a good place to stop our stroll, as we had reached a set of ruins where a stone slab had toppled to make the perfect bench. Roxy took a seat first, her posture and expression just short of despondent. "It's kinda cruel, ain't it? It seemed like the perfect fit. Me, him, the only two people on Earth. But even before we found out about you and Janey and the game, and thought we'd have to repopulate, he was real awkward about it. Real clinical. There I was, all, 'Hubba hubba, hey Dirky baby wanna meet up and get a little physical?' And he was all, 'Didn't you mention that you have ectobiology equipment? Technically, that would be a more efficient method of procreation, and far less dangerous. Even on the off-chance that I could get over there, the dangers inherent in childbirth are blah blah blah blah.' And I'm like, dude, what gives?"

"The logic does, in all actuality, sound quite practical."

"I know, but this is _Dirk_ we're talkin' about. If we _hadn't_ been the only two people alive, he prolly would'a been arrested as some kinda sexual deviant. At first, I thought it was some fear of human contact thing. Like, he had all his fucked-up fetishes and shit, but it made a twisted kinda sense in a way, 'cause it was all stuff that was familiar to him. It was so f'in weird, like he really just wanted to get closer to _somethin'_ , but all he had was Cal and Minihoof and so, poof. Atteacted to what he knows. So I was like, 'Hey, wanna broaden your horizons? You've got me now, too.' But nope. Nada."

"That sounds rather infuriating."

"I KNOW, right?"

Something suddenly struck me as very odd. Roxy is a straightforward lass, and by what I had seen of her shows of affection towards Mr. Strider, she was not afraid of openly demonstrating how she felt. Yet hadn't Dirk said to me that he'd never had thoughts of a relationship before I had made my little childish confession? It didn't add up. There were only two possible explanations that I could see. One, that the dream had all been an illusion as Jane would have probably told me, or two...

"Then you came along, and you and him got super close and suddenly, BAM. 'Roxy, you'll never guess what Jake told me.' I didn't hear the end of it for weeks. And the worst of it? He started complaining about how you specified that he'd hafta' be a girl. And right about then, I realized Dirky was like the gayest dude ever, and also a huge fuckin' hypocrite. When I pointed out he was turnin' _me_ down because I wasn't a guy, he got all defensive about it, started tryin' to cover his tracks and say, 'That's silly, I'm not gay, I'd never turn you down for something stupid like that, Roxy,' and claimed he just thought it was funny that you said the whole dating thing. He didn't have a crush, really. _Really_. And I called bullshit, and look who was right all along."

"So you truly do believe that Dirk is a homosexual, and that his insistence he's not is a front used to save your feelings?"

"Dude, I know it, and I have proof."

"Hm?"

"Hal. Take away the physical aspects of Dirk and just leave his brain, and he's totally not against a bit of frisky roleplay. I mean, not that I know how Halley really feels about all of it, but sometimes it feels like what I've got with him is what me and Dirky coulda' had."

I stared. "Are you in a relationship with Lil' Hal?"

"No? I don't know what it is. Me and Dirky kinda fell apart a bit, and then you and Hal aren't exactly best friends, so I guess we kinda take comfort in each other? It's like a fauxmance or something. I can't exactly get it on with a pair of shades, and even though I know Halley is way more than just a computer program, I don't know if he'd ever be able to really experience a relationship. Plus, I think he's still got a bit of a crush on you hardwired into him, and as much as I hate to say it, Hal just...isn't Dirk. Even if he is, he still isn't."

I was feeling pretty bad by this point. "I'm so sorry, Roxy."

"Uh, why? Because Dirky's a big homo?"

"I don't know. I just feel like I'm somehow to blame. Perhaps if I'd never said anything, he never would have gotten the crazy idea to develop that crush on me, and maybe..." I refrained from mentioning that Dirk had explicitly stated pretty much this exact thing. It was already done, and there was no guarantee that even if Dirk had never developed a crush on me, that he would have gained one on Roxy. 

It turned out to be just as well that I'd kept quiet.

"Don't get my hopes up, Jakey. I been puttin' it behind me, you know? If you wanna date Dirky later or something I won't be mad at you. Maybe I'm just a horny girl who saw that I was practically alone with a hot dude and got all 'swooon, take me Mister Strider', and it ain't nothin' after all."

That sounded suspiciously like what Dirk and I had discussed only moments before I had gone after Roxy, and it was a comfort, in a way. "You think? Maybe all these silly crushes are more unfounded than not, and we'll be better off when we really get moving in this game and start meeting other people?"

"Yeah, maybe so." She still seemed a bit sad, but her lips curled up into a bit of a smile. "Maybe there's a guy out there even hotter than Dirky, who isn't a big insufferable weirdo."

"Perhaps Dirk and Jane will feel better once I am not their only romantic candidate, as well."

"Is that what you want?"

"I'm not rightly sure. All I know is that I don't think I'm ready for all of this romance mumbo jumbo. I can't say how I'll feel in the future, but honestly it's already so overwhelming just to be around other people. I figure I'll know when it happens. That's how it's supposed to be, yes? Suddenly, the realization hits that you're in love. The world starts spinning faster, the stars shine brighter."

"Like in the movies? You and some blue babe save the world, your heart goin' all badumpadump?"

"Yes, exactly."

"With a big explosion, right? There's totes gotta be a big explosion."

"Indubitably!"

Roxy almost howled with laughter at that. 

I grinned. This whole situation seemed to be growing lighter by the moment, and I was beginning to feel like this was going to all turn out alright. I knew at that moment that Roxy would be okay if Dirk never returned her affections, just like I knew from my dream that Dirk would be able to cope if I never returned his. If they could make it through these troubling times, then there was nary a doubt in my mind that Jane could do the same. She had a good head on her shoulders--far better than mine, if I was honest with myself--and if she'd had the strength to face attacks on her life with no fear, she had the strength to move on from this. I said the same to Roxy.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think Janey'll be okay. Upset, yeah, but she was already tryin' to move on, you know?" She grimaced. "It was me who kept on her ass about it, and I guess that wasn't so cool of me, since I'd be feelin' pretty crappy right about now if you tried to tell me to keep goin' after Dirky."

I rubbed her back encouragingly.

"Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"You think we'll still all be friends after alla this? Like, even if we meet other people and all find someone to hook up with?"

"I know it. I couldn't imagine my life without the three of you. We've all been through so much together."

"Yeah. Yeah, we have. I just hope Janey isn't mad at me for all of that."

"She's your 'bffsy', correct? I socked Dirk in the face, and he seems to have forgiven me."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but Dirk wants to boink you, so you get to get off easy." She immediately blushed, then burst into giggles. "Omgomgomgomg, I'mma pretend that was on purpose!"

I tried to hold down my blush, as well. 

Despite my flustered state, the atmosphere was calm and the cool breeze seemed refreshing. I felt the slightest bit heady and my breaths a bit thick, and I wasn't positive if Roxy and I sounded a bit deeper or if my perception of the world around me had just slowed in my relaxed state. I was almost sleepy again, and the longer my chat with Roxy continued, the more pleasantly drowsy I became. The both of us quickly regained our composures in such an environment, and Roxy looked at me and shrugged. "I guess we should get back."

I went to stand, then had a Thought, and plopped right back onto my rear. I didn't quite want this to end yet, and I was feeling daring. "Roxy, before we go I have a question."

"Eh?"

"Have you ever had illicit thoughts about Miss Crocker?"

"Psh, why? You want to see me and Janey do the lesbodance?"

"No!" 

"Rrrreeeaaaally? You wouldn't be the least little tiny bit interested?"

"That's not why I was asking!"

"Crush or not, I'd totes be up for watching you and Dirky smoochin' it up, or even more. Don't tell me you wouldn't if it was me and Jane."

"Miss Lalonde!" The way my voice cracked would have been embarrassing, if I'd had the presence of mind to really register that it'd happened.

"But no, seriously, why you wanna know?"

I consciously made an effort to push through my embarrassment and get to the point. "I'm slightly baffled by all this 'gay' business you're speaking about with Dirk."

"Howso? Dirk likes dudes, and doesn't like girls."

"Do you only like blokes, and not gals?"

"Well, I mean I couldn't even bring myself to kiss Janey, and even Dirky managed that."

"So that was because of her feminine traits?"

"Well, she was also kinda dead, and that was pretty gross."

I thought back to Dirk's severed head and felt momentarily queasy. "Yes. I think I can relate to that."

"But I guess if Janey wasn't after you and I wasn't after Dirky, and me and Janey met eyes and realized we were star-crossed lovers, I could do it? I dunno. I never really thought about it, to be honest. I ain't grossed out by girl bits, but there's just somethin' about a hot boy. I dunno if I'd be able to be with a girl, 'cause I'd still be more attracted to boys?"

I considered this. "I have always been attracted to ladies of a cerulean complexion, but I must say that I have always found the hero types to be quite dashing as well. I suppose I always just assumed that men were meant to be with women. Let me tell you, it was quite a shocker when I found out that there were other possibilities!"

"So you're officially bi?"

"I don't quite know what I am, but I suppose that's apt." I pondered my next thought for a moment. "Would it be alright if I enlisted the assistance of Miss Zuipperpips?"

"Ooooh, secret time?"

"Yes, I do feel I need to get something off of my chest, if that would be alright."

"My pips are thoroughly zuipped."

"I will admit, Dirk wasn't completely unfounded during our fight earlier. I met a girl in my dreams, a lovely troll beauty by the name of Aranea. It may have just been the light, but her skin seemed to have a bit of a blue undertone, and she seemed almost spidery--like Spider Girl, you know?--and I admit that something in me went a bit aflutter."

"Omg. And Dirky called you on it?"

"That he did. He was right to suspect that I'd never quite felt a rush of attraction like that for someone outside of the silver screen or in the pages of my comics, and to be honest I feel a bit guilty about it. I don't know, maybe if I really got to know her, I wouldn't feel anything for her beyond that. Plus she was a dream ghost, so it could never go anywhere. But on physicality alone, she was breathtaking."

"And you don't feel that way about Dirky or Janey?"

"Not quite like that, no. But I feel more strongly about them--and you--in my heart, despite how she made me feel in my loins."

"Oh my God, Jake. I love you."

"I suppose if I were to rate the allure of each of you, I find you the most traditionally attractive. You're simply gorgeous, my dear madam, and anyone who would deny it needs spectacles stronger than my own."

"Swoon. So flattered. See this?" She fanned herself with her hand. "This is me showin' you how flattered I am. And you, for the record, are super duper hot. You've got this awesome mix of 'rugged jungle boy' and 'completely adorkable', in the best possible way."

"I shall take that as high praise, Miss Lalonde."

"You'd better! This hottie don't just say that about anyone!"

It was nice to be able to be so candid with a friend who seemed to feel the same about me as I did about her, and my spirits had lifted significantly. In fact, this was turning out to be quite fun. "Shall I continue?"

"Duh. You gotta gimme the scoop on how hot Jane and Dirk are."

"Well," I pondered, "Jane is just beautiful, isn't she? She's soft and lovely, without being too delicate. She is undeniably feminine, and yet what makes Jane who she is, I think, is that dash of spunky tomboyishness. She's very practical, and a natural stunner. And even though she can talk circles around me, she is never arrogant. I think Jane would be the perfect candidate for a life partner, so long as she found someone who would treat her as she deserves."

"I knooow. She just makes you wanna bundle her up and coo at her, doesn't she? And if I swung a bit more that way, I'd be all over that baker's sugar lumps."

I laughed. "Yes, I think that's fairly accurate."

"And Dirky? Come oooon, you've gotta tell me Dirk's a total stud."

I thought about how to word it. "I don't know that I can exactly describe how I feel about Dirk. He's very...sharp. His features, his stature, his movements, his confounded shades and that silly anime sword, his mind, and his personality. Everything about him. It's very striking."

"And sexy?"

"Dare I say it? I think I may have to respond in the affirmative."

"Score." Roxy made a contented little sound. "We have the hottest friends."

"That we do, Roxy. That we do."

That thought hung in the air for a bit, before the both of us dissolved into laughter.

"Man, Jake. You and me really gotta talk more often. We should get in cahoots or something. Make some mischief." 

"Agreed! Perhaps we can give Dirk a taste of his own medicine, and see if we can't challenge Jane's title of Pranking Master."

"I do believe we have a deal, Mr. English."

"Splendid. But perhaps we should check on the remaining members of our group before they wake and wonder where we've gotten off to."

"Yeah, okay. But we def have to do this again, kay?"

"You have my word."

And on that note we began our trek back, with laughter and fine banter aplenty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if Jake actually shoved the Cairo Overcoat computer into his sylladex or not. I don't think it ever showed him doing so, nor did it show it in his sylladex, but seeing as he was apparently trained by Grandma Jade to keep at least 5 computers on him at all time, I am going to assume he brought it with him.
> 
> Roxy, stop talking about Dirk. Seriously. Stop it. Dirk's arc was supposed to be pretty much over last chapter. How does he keep being such a presence in chapters he's not actually in?! In relation to Dirk, though, I was a bit worried about having Roxy use evidence to "prove" he is gay. Though I know it can be a pretty dividing issue in the fandom, I honestly have no opinion on the matter personally. The arguments Roxy posed just seemed in line with what we know about the canon, and how I've interpreted things in this particular fic. Use your own judgment to decide whether Roxy is correct, or whether this is a case of our only seeing one side of the story. I imagine, at the very least, that it would probably be easier for Roxy to reason Dirk's disinterest away as being due to sexuality, rather than something about her personally.


	17. The Bond Between Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Alphas wrap up this leg in their adventure. (The true ending.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOOOOT. OCiDiD is ACTUALLY complete! 
> 
> To those who missed it, on April 1st, I posted an alternate ending, in honor of April Fools' day. Sorry to you non-Americans out there who were probably really confused by that. That entry can be found [HERE](http://archiveofourown.org/works/746949). Sorry for the delay on getting this one up. I meant to have it up yesterday, but it took a bit longer than I expected, and I needed time to go back over it and proofread. Hopefully the fact that it's only a day late AND a whopping 5,000-odd words will make up for it.
> 
> I really hope you all enjoy reading this ending as much as I enjoyed writing it. Hopefully it wraps everything up nicely, and in a way that makes you happy. Thanks for reading, and have fun! <3

Roxy and I weren't the only ones who had been bonding.

When we returned to the hilltop, Dirk and Jane were both awake. Dirk had apparently moved over to the girls' Rumpus Reader so he could chat with Jane in closer proximity. Normally, I wouldn't find this something to bat an eye at.

However, the results of their chat were a different story, because Jane was _tickling_ Dirk.

While Dirk's earlier little stunted croaks of amusement had been endearing, this was another beast altogether. Apparently Dirk was immensely ticklish, because he had devolved into a rather startling bout of hysterics. He was pushing at Jane's hands and squirming, though he was otherwise not making much of an effort to get away, his voice reduced to a horribly unattractive pained wheeze. It sounded remarkably like an elderly gent with emphysema. 

It was obvious why Dirk usually stopped himself from laughing, because just when I thought it couldn't get any more awkward, he snorted. Loudly.

Jane couldn't take it. She stopped tickling to let her body drop forward, her head hitting Dirk's chest as she broke down into howling mirth.

"Ho. Mah. Gawd," came Roxy's rather poignant reaction to the situation.

"Agreed, Miss Lalonde. Firmly agreed."

It took a while for the pair to calm. Dirk stayed flat on his back, while Jane sat up and wiped the tears from her eyes, still occasionally letting out a clipped chuckle. After a bit, she noticed us and waved. "Hey. Did you two have fun? Dirk and I saw you walking around down there."

"Oh!" I exclaimed. "Yes, indeed! We had a delightful chat!"

She smiled. "Dirk and I did, as well. I finally got the big fussypants to lighten up a bit." She seemed proud. 

"So we can see. Quite an accomplishment, that."

Dirk just raised a hand to flick me off.

"Why on earth were you tickling Dirk to begin with?"

"Did you know he'd never been tickled? Ridiculous, isn't it? He says his brother was distant, but that sounds like more than distant to me! Tickling is practically a requirement of childhood, I say."

"Uhh," said Roxy.

"Well, it's no problem now." She tittered. "I can't believe how ticklish you are, Dirk."

"I can't, either," he groaned.

"Uhm, Janey?" Roxy seemed nervous.

"Yes?"

"Can I talk to ya'?"

She tilted her head. "About?"

"Well, I guess both me and Dirky've gotta talk to you. It's real important."

Dirk finally sat up. "Rox, you sure about that?"

"She promised me that she's gonna believe me today."

A sigh. "Well, I suppose now is as good a time as ever," Dirk agreed. "I think maybe Jane's seen enough insane horseshit today that it might not seem as impossible."

"What are you talking about?"

"Our childhoods," Roxy said, her voice suddenly serious.

"And, for that matter, I think Jake has a few things to tell you, too."

"...Yes, Strider. I believe I do."

Jane seemed nervous with all of us suddenly convening on her like that. "There are things to believe?"

We all responded in the affirmative.

"Jane, when I said my bro was distant, you were right in saying that was a bit of an understatement."

"And all those times I said my Mom didn't really pay attention to what kindsa stuff I got up to? Yeah, that was puttin' it really lightly."

"What do you mean?"

"Jane, my bro and Roxy's mom have been dead for a very long time."

"What?" Jane furrowed her brows. "That makes no sense. I just watched an interview with Dave Strider last week."

Dirk seemed visibly pained by that.

"...You're serious, aren't you?"

"Yeah. And what I wouldn't fuckin' give to have been able to watch that interview along with you."

"I don't understand. Couldn't you?"

"Yeah, and I probably did when I was younger, but it's not the same to watch it after the fact as it would have been to see the live recording."

"So, let me get this straight," Jane said, slowly. "That interview was live, which would imply that Dave Strider was alive when it was shown."

"Yes."

"But he's also been dead."

"For me and Roxy, yes."

"And Roxy's mother, who has been touring for book signings, is also dead."

"Yeah," she said, tersely.

"The only ways that could make any sort of sense would be if they were zombies, or you two lived in the future."

"Yeah, you hit it spot on with the latter one."

Jane just stared. 

"Janey, you _promised_."

"I'm trying, Roxy. I really am. How far in the future, exactly, are we talking?"

Dirk nodded to Roxy to go ahead and say. "About 400 years."

"How is that possible?" Jane looked completely confused. "Are you saying you were born, then cryogenically frozen for a few centuries or something?"

"Jane, I told you once that Bro and I weren't related in the normal sense."

"Yeah. You said something about...genetic experimentation? I thought that was a joke, like you were making an ironic comment that you were too different to be able to possibly be normal brothers."

"It wasn't a joke, and I am proud to be related to that man, in whatever convoluted way. He was a hero."

"This is a lot to take in."

"I know, Jane. That's why I've been only dropping hints, and telling Roxy and Jake to wait until you were ready to hear it."

"I'm not exactly sure I'm ready now."

"Janey, you don't understand how this feels for us." The pleading in Roxy's voice was raw. "It hurt, having to keep this from you, not being able to talk to you about anything in my life without worrying that you'd think I was crazy, or worse blow it off like some kinda huge joke."

Jane turned to me. "Jake, you're not going to tell me you're from the future too, are you?"

"No, but I have my own fair share of secrets."

"And you believe what they're saying."

"Absolutely. Dirk told me years ago, and I've spoken to both him and Roxy extensively on the matter. Their stories match up, and were it a hoax, it would be a rather elaborate one. And frankly, I've seen enough improbable things in my life to make it a lot easier to swallow."

She seemed hesitant. "Such as?"

"Do you remember, many years ago, that you informed me that you fancied the idea that monsters were real, and I told you to be careful what you wish?"

"Yes. You're not going to tell me there are _monsters_ , too? First genetic experiments and time travel, and now this?"

"I do hope that you will excuse this moment of impropriety, Miss Crocker, but I feel that perhaps a demonstration is in order." I turned with my back to her and Dirk, and lifted the back of my dual shirts to show off some of my more impressive battle scars. "These aren't from just any old wild beasts, and believe me when I say that they are very real."

When I dropped my shirts and turned back around, she was shaking. 

Roxy sat by Jane and wrapped her arms around her. "I know it's hard, Janey. If I had any choice but ta believe it, I would totes choose not to."

"I don't know what to say. This is too much, I..."

Dirk took off his shades and spoke up from where he had gone quiet. "Jane, I have my shades hooked into the internet connection from mine and Roxy's time. I think it's best you learn about this yourself, rather than our trying to explain it. Hal will help you by pulling up any information you need to answer any questions you might have. He'll show you the basics for mine and Roxy's situation, and the data recovered about Jake's island from his grandmother's company."

She took them with a gulp. "I...I think I need some time." She got up and went to a corner of the room, sat down, put Dirk's shades on, and went silent and very still.

"Poor Janey."

"I concur," I said, worried.

"It needed to happen, sooner or later. I honestly don't think it's going to be as hard for her as she thinks. Jane's too clever not to have put the pieces together already. I'm almost positive it was mostly denial keeping her from believing." Dirk watched Jane solemnly. "I think this will be better. Let her uncover the mystery herself, the same way we had to."

Roxy and I agreed.

We didn't speak much while Jane was gone. We did, however, put together a bit of a meal, after realizing it'd been ages since any of us had last eaten. I brought over Jane's helping and kneeled next to her. "Are you quite alright?"

She was crying. 

"Hey." I pulled her into my arms. "Hey, it's alright. You're alright, and so are all of us."

She clung to me. "You were all alone? All of this time?"

"Yeah," I said, reluctantly. "Dirk and Roxy more than I was."

She leaned her forehead against my shoulder carefully so she wouldn't poke me with Dirk's pointy spectacles, and let out all of the sorrow that I assume she'd been holding in for some time. "I should have believed you. You kept telling me, and I didn't....Oh, Jake, I've been a horrible friend."

"You were scared. I would have been as well, in your position. You had enough to worry about, what with all of those assassination attempts."

"I never took them seriously. I should have. I should have believed you all when you told me to be careful."

"It was how you coped," came a voice from behind me. Dirk held out his hand. "Come on, Jane. You can keep my shades as long as you need them, but you should come and eat with us."

She nodded, and Dirk and I helped her up, each of us with one hand. Roxy had also come over, and she picked up Jane's plate to carry it back to the beds.

We ate in silence, but once all the food had been consumed, Jane started asking questions. How had we all managed to grow up alone? What was it like to live the way we had? How had we all met, over so much time and distance? We all told stories. I hadn't heard many of the ones Roxy and Dirk were telling, and they seemed just as interested in the ones I'd kept to myself all those years. Any resistance Jane had held onto at first slipped away the longer we spoke. I think the consistency of the tales cemented things for her, made them seem more real.

When everything started to get too depressing, Roxy broke the tension. 

"So here I am, with all these damn cats. You know how people online were always all, 'yeah, I just wanna roll around in a room fulla kittens'? I totally had that. Just this squirming lab full of adorable kitties, some of 'em with extra eyes and legs and tails and shit, because I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. And trust me when I say those ones are the cutest, because they are so awkward."

I laughed. "I don't know about extra eyes and legs, but I know all about cats with extra mouths."

"What?" Jane said.

Dirk clarified. "According to Jade English's records, there is a species of olive-blooded lusii that are wildcats with double mouths."

"That is so weird."

"Omg. I want a giant kitty."

"I assure you, Miss Lalonde, that you do not! They are rather vicious!"

"You don't get it, Jakey. I am the cat whisperer."

"The pied piper of felines?" Dirk chimed in.

"Exactly. I'd totally pie my pipe all over some giant kitties. Get 'em playin with giant yarn balls instead of tryin' to gut Jakey."

"That would be most welcome! I would very much appreciate if my innards stayed right where they are, thank you very much!"

Dirk snorted. Jane made a horrified face, which was far more amusing than it should have been.

Eventually, even Jane started in on the story time, telling us all about some of the different assassination attempts and how she'd survived them. I quickly came to the conclusion that, while Miss Crocker generally seemed the sanest of the lot of us, that she was just as much of a mad daredevil as Dirk or myself. She also regaled us with tales of her own Land, which I decided I wanted to explore soon.

The fact that we could all openly share stories without getting too upset over our pasts seemed to set Jane at ease, and she eventually went from distraught to curious and intrigued by worlds so unlike her own. 

Perhaps she had a bit of an adventurous spirit, after all.

Roxy sighed happily. "This is nice. I love you guys." She kicked her bare feet behind her from where she'd laid on her stomach next to Jane.

Jane beamed, Dirk added in a, "Yeah, love you too, Rox," and I professed my undying platonic affection for all of them.

That seemed to send a bit of a spark of awkwardness through the group, though nobody audibly commented on it. Everyone just kind of went quiet, not sure where to go with the statement. 

I chewed my bottom lip. 

"Okay, let's get all this shit straightened out, right here; right now," Roxy said, ever the most forward of the lot of us. "I'll start. Dirky, I've got the major hots for you. You knew that shit already."

If Dirk were the type to fidget, he looked like he would have done so. "Yeah. I did know that."

Jane blinked. "You have a crush on Dirk? You never said anything to me about that."

"Uh, yeah. I just never brought it up, 'cause it's pointless. Dirky's like the gayest dude to ever gay all through the gay clubs on Gay Street in Gayville, New Gaynea."

One of Dirk's eyes may have twitched a bit behind his shades. "I'm not..."

"Yeah, yeah. Not actually gay. Whatevs. You like Jakey, though, and not me, so it's totes a moot point. I get it." She sat up and raised her hands in surrender. "I've said my thing. You guys go next."

Dirk's poker face seemed a bit forced. "Roxy. Believe what you want about my sexuality, but..." He sighed, "Look, I love you, Rox. I really do. No, it's not in that way, but if I could change that, I would. It'd make things so much easier. I know it's gotta hurt, because I've been there. I spent years there, looking at Jake thinking I didn't have a chance in Hell because I'm a dude. And fuck, if I could keep you from going through that, you know I would."

Roxy was looking anywhere but at Dirk.

"Roxy Lalonde, you are so fucking important to me, and you deserve someone who can actually give you what you need. Not...not me. I considered saying yes to you, so many times, but it wouldn't have been right. I wouldn't have been true to myself, and it wouldn't have been fair to you."

Her voice was tremulous. "I know, Dirky. I know. It couldn'ta been cool, havin' me guilt trippin' you practically every day. I know you've gotta be pretty fed up with me by now."

"I'm not, Roxy. It's okay. I get it, and I couldn't get fed up with you if I tried." He just watched her for a moment, then opened his arms. "Hug it out?"

She practically jumped into his arms. What is that called? A galumph? Regardless, she took her hug with gusto. "Tag, you're it. Feelings jam tiems, Dirky."

"Okay, okay. Jake, we already got a lot of this shit aired out. I want your premium behind, and I've been pretty fuckin' aggressive trying to get it. Sorry about that, bro."

"It's quite alright."

"Jane and I talked about this earlier. All the crush crap got blown way out of proportion. I'm not even sure how much of it by now isn't just out of principle. The idea of maybe not being able to hook up with you sucks ass, but it ain't worth all the bullshit. I terrorized you, was hella insensitive to Roxy, and started this weird unspoken competition with Jane that had no business being any kind of a thing. You guys are all I've got, and if keeping you in my life means dropping out of this horserace, then consider me out. Jake, you ever decide you wanna give it a go with me, I doubt I'll be going after someone else any time soon, so I'll be here."

I studied his expression. He met my eyes with his still-bare ones. He held out his hand, and I took it, shaking it firmly. "Duly noted, Strider."

Dirk nodded to Jane to go next.

"Uhm, well." She coughed lightly, steeling herself. "Jake, you know now that I have feelings for you. I hid them for a long time, because I guess I just never thought I was good enough. I also suppose I was afraid of rejection, or of ruining our friendship. I think I kind of subconsciously knew Dirk liked you, too, when I think back on it, and I tend to just think of him as more capable in general, and I figured this was no exception."

"Yeah, I already got onto you for that one," said Dirk pointedly.

"Yes, you did." She shrugged. "The talk I had with Dirk kind of made me realize how much of my time I was spending worrying about this, and how absurd it all was. Like he said, I don't even know if it was really the crush talking anymore, or sheer habit. Letting it go is a scary thought--golly, my crush on you practically got ingrained into my personality after a while--but if I have to in order for all of us to be happy, then I will do my best. Like Roxy and Dirk said before me, it wasn't fair of me to pressure you. It's not your job to make me happy, you know?" She gave me a nervous little smile.

I returned it, reaching across to rub her shoulder encouragingly.

"I guess the same offer Dirk posed is open for me, too. If you ever want to get together, then I will be happy to say yes. But if you don't, or if you decide you'd rather date Dirk, or Roxy, or someone else who isn't one of us, I promise to try not to get jealous."

"Yeah, can I add that last bit into my offer, too?" asked Dirk.

"Certainly," I said. I waited to see if anyone else was going to speak, but nobody did. "I suppose I've got to stop avoiding this, eh? Man up, as it were?"

"You can do it, Jakey." Roxy squeezed my hand.

"Well, to be honest, I'd be honored to have any one of you." When I received some skeptical looks, I backpedaled a bit. "Alright, let me clarify. I love the three of you very much, and I have indeed have my share of fancies involving all of you."

"Together or separate?" Dirk asked.

"Erm...all of the above."

Jane clapped a hand over her mouth. Roxy tittered. Dirk just shook his head, his shoulders shaking.

"I mean it! You are all so very special to me, and terribly attractive, and never have I let an imagining manifest involving any of you that wasn't pleasant."

"Oh, goodness." Jane was red to the tips of her ears.

"Hey Jaaaaakey. Were these _steamy_ imaginings, by any chance?"

I huffed. "A gentleman never pretends to kiss and tells."

Roxy looked positively devious. "I knew it."

"I am not hearing this," said Jane. She demonstrated by covering her ears.

"I am hearing it fine. Tell us more," deadpanned Dirk.

"No! You will not get the possibly-steamy-and-possibly-not details of the inner workings of my noggin."

"That's okay. I can look myself."

"AUGH. You had better not!"

He laughed, openly. "I'm kidding. You know I can't actually do that, right?"

I looked at him for any sign of untruth, and found none. "...No, I was not sure. I am glad to know this."

He chuckled. Jane seemed relieved, as well. Roxy looked indifferent.

"Anyhow, I think it probably bears saying--as much as it pains me to mention it--that while I have indeed had fancies involving each of you, I can't say that I've ever experienced a "crush", per se. I have felt great fondness, and I have felt great, ahem, attraction for individuals before, but never have they culminated into the kind of all-consuming affections you all seem to harbor for me and each other. I have often wondered if I am capable of feelings to that degree. Perhaps I'm just too consumed with the spirit of adventure? I don't rightly know." I scratched my head nervously. "So I guess what I'm saying is that I don't think I'm really ready for a true romance."

Dirk nodded. "Okay, bro. Thanks for telling us." He didn't look happy, but he likewise didn't look crushed.

Jane was in a similar state. "Yes. Thank you, Jake, for being honest."

I nodded. "It feels remarkably good to get it off of my chest, actually."

Dirk rolled his shoulders. "Sounds like we just have to be the best fucking friends forever--bfffs, if you will."

"Bfffsies!" Roxy chirped.

Jane tittered. "Bfffsies it is."

I grinned. "Indeed!"

We all reached our hands into the middle and pulled off a truly spectacular 4x Fistbump Combo. That hung in the air for a while, as we looked around to see if anyone else had anything to say.

Satisfied that the feelings jam appeared to have come to a close, Roxy clutched her hands into excited fists. "Okay, so. We have to make the best. Cuddle pile. Ever. Jakey, lay down."

I was just barely close enough to hear Jane whisper, "Lie down," to Dirk, who snickered. I followed Roxy's guidance, _lying_ down on one of the Rumpus Readers and waiting for further instruction.

"Okay, now Dirky. Lay down next to Jakey."

He did.

"Now hold his hand." She surveyed us critically. "Okay. That's too far away, you two. Move closer."

We both scooted in, but the buttocks we were using as pillows were too round, and our heads ended up rolling inward in unison, so we were nose-to-nose. 

"Hey there," Dirk smirked.

I blushed. "Uhm, hi."

Roxy hummed. "Not in the plan, but we can work with it. You two should totes kiss. Don't look at me like that, Janey. You can have a turn, too."

"With Jake or with me?" Dirk said, the snark evident in his voice.

"Both, duh." Roxy giggled.

"Roxy!" I couldn't see her, but I imagine Jane was blushing.

"What do you say, bro? The plush rump has spoken."

I considered it. "I suppose I wouldn't be entirely opposed to indulging the will of this large stuffed bottom, so long as Miss Crocker wouldn't be offended?"

She sighed. "Fine."

It was actually kind of nice to get a proper, non-painful smooch with Dirk, even if I could feel Roxy's gaze on us. Dirk was actually a pretty good kisser when he wasn't bashing our faces together, his lips firm but pliant against mine. He made a throaty little pleased sound before he nipped my bottom lip and then broke off the kiss himself, and when I looked at him, his expression was one of flushed contentment.

There was a slightly evil cackle from above us, and we turned to find Roxy hovering over the bed, her phone held out and presumably recording. "Hehehe, this is going in my personal collection."

"Roxy, do you have any shame whatsoever?"

"Janey. Oh, Janey, Janey, Janey. Do you really have to ask?"

"Alright, I admit that was a stupid question."

Once Roxy's phone was back in her sylladex, she regained her authoritative stance. "Okay, boys. If we're gonna make this a proper cuddle pile, we unfortunately can't have you sitting there making googly eyes at each other the whole time. Turn so you're sideways on the bed."

Dirk and I shifted 90 degrees. 

"Hold hands!" Roxy ordered when she realized we'd broken that contact in the move.

We laced our fingers back together, then I looked down to find our legs being rearranged by our cuddle coordinator, my left being moved in towards Dirk's and his right leg being hooked over it. 

Roxy clapped, obviously pleased with our positioning. "Okay. Now Janey!"

"Roxy, what are you going to make me do?" Jane was tense as she was maneuvered towards us, then forced to lie curled up to my side, her head on my shoulder. If she hadn't been red when Dirk and I had been told to kiss, she was now. Her leg was hooked over my right, her ankle linked with Dirk's. This was actually getting pretty interesting, and I reached my arm around Jane to encircle her shoulders. After a moment where she realized that neither Dirk nor I were complaining, she relaxed and sighed into me.

"Okay, Janey. You can take your kisses now if you want, but you HAVE to go back to that position after, 'kay?"

"Uhm. I...think I'll pass. I already....uh. Hm."

"You and Jake already kissed, huh?" Asked Dirk.

She stammered. "Would you be mad if I said yes?"

"Eh. But you have to kiss me to make up for it."

"What?!"

I think we all looked at Dirk, who was smirking like the most smug asshole on the face of the planet. Actually, since we seemed to be alone on said planet, he patently was.

Jane huffed. "Don't play with me. You want a kiss, mister? I will give you a kiss you won't forget."

Though I'd suspected that Dirk had been bluffing, he leaned up to meet Jane halfway and went through with it. Jane was apparently just as surprised as I was, but Dirk cupped her cheek to keep her from pulling away, and she relented after a moment and kissed back. When they parted, Jane was giggling nervously. "Oh my God, Dirk. I can't believe you actually did that."

"Can't let Jake be the only pimp here."

Roxy squealed. "I had better get one from alla ya! None of you will escape these lips." She hopped up on the cushion and proceeded to snog Dirk rather enthusiastically. 

To his credit, Dirk was only momentarily stunned by the onslaught before he returned the gesture.

Roxy whooped, then immediately closed in on me. I found it pretty fascinating, actually, how completely different all of my friends' smooches were. Where Jane's had been soft and shy and Dirk's (second one) had been slow and seductive, Roxy's could only be described as zealous, her head bobbing as she gave me a string of firm kisses. "And now for you, Janey. I'm totes gonna do it this time, and you can't stop me."

"This time?" Jane didn't get an explanation before she was having her mouth molested by an excited Lalonde. When they broke apart, Jane groaned and buried her face in my shoulder. "You're all crazy," she murmured, muffled.

Roxy, smiling her head off, settled into a mirrored position to Jane's. She cuddled Dirk happily, her leg over both his and mine, and she reached across our bodies to clasp Jane's hand.

After a bit of thoughtful silence, I pressed my lips to the top of Jane's head. "You alright?"

"Yeah. That was...unexpected."

"But nice?"

"In a way. Also really weird."

I chuckled.

"It's alright, Jane," Dirk remarked lightly. "I know it's hard, to admit you were wrong."

"What?"

"You've patently realized that you picked the wrong guy to get the hots for, now that you've experienced a real man."

Jane and I both freed our hands to hit him.

Dirk and Roxy both laughed.

We all resumed our positions. I found myself idly rubbing Jane's back, at the same time as I realized that Dirk and I had begun to rub each other's hands softly with our thumbs. I looked over to find Dirk petting Roxy's hair. 

"Aren't you lot just adorable?" Came a stilted voice from where Jane had left Dirk's shades.

"Omg, Halley. You have to get in on the cuddle action, too!"

"No. Badass shades do not cuddle. I will stab you."

Miss Lalonde's voice went sing-song. "But you know you wanna."

"No. I am fine over here. I do not need to get in on your sickening, squishy human pretzel."

Roxy made Hal join us anyway, balancing him on mine and Dirk's touching shoulders.

"Ugh. If cooties were a computer virus, I would have it right now."

There was something so utterly, bizarrely natural about all of it. The conversation we'd had, the way we all touched in some way, and the playful kisses we'd all shared seemed to put us all on an even keel. There was no fighting for who would date who, no tension between friends vying for the same romantic prospect. There was no sorrow of rejection nor fear of hurting someone with a wrongly-placed word or two. My whole body seemed cocooned in warmth and softness. It felt safe.

Eventually, we would have to get up and continue our quest, but at that moment I had none of my normal jitters to get up and about. I did not want to move for the world. I think we drowsed a bit, wrapped up together in each other. When the time finally came when we absolutely had to move, we did so reluctantly. 

Strangely, despite the lack of physical contact when we parted, I still felt connected to all of them. I had the distinct feeling that we shared something unbreakable.

And with that bond hanging in the air between us, we could truly begin our new adventure, as the closest of friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for coming on this journey with me! It's been a blast. This is the first multi-chaptered story I've finished in...about 5 years, I believe, so it was nice to make it through. Thanks to everyone who's commented, given kudos, subscribed, and/or bookmarked. It really means a lot.
> 
> I may or may not write a spin-off from Jane's POV of the conversation with Dirk of which we see the aftermath here. If I do, it'll be posted in the "Alpha Kids: Unite" series, between the main story (this one! 8D) and the April Fool's chapter. If you're subscribed to this story and you want any potential future updates for this world, now would be the time to move your subscription over to the series, instead of just this entry. This one's done.
> 
> <3!


End file.
